Monthly Archives: July 2024

Bleeding Heart

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary!

Two days ago, I went to the mall with my mom and I saw a penguin and a sea lion for the first time. It was truly beautiful. I was amazed to see God’s creatures and thankful to God for giving me beauty to see, as I had prayed to see just that when I mentioned to Him that I cannot see it, and have not seen any love not broken whether by external or internal forces, if it does exists here, and to change my lenses if I am wrong. I did not plan to see these aquatic creatures. I was only at the mall to explore the clothing stores in the hopes that I might find something modest, something beautiful, something affordable, and only stopped when I saw a group of people gathered on the foot bridge above the body of water, and also behind a see-through barrier, so they could see the penguin. I joined them and waited a while to see the sea lion come out next and do tricks. That’s crazy. Who would have thought that a kid from Lagos, who grew up in a household that struggled, would ever leave Nigeria and travel to various countries, and now, would see this. It is a testament to the goodness of God in my life and my heart swells with gratitude and love for God.

I was surprised that I found some items that fall under the category of “beautiful, modest and affordable”. They were on sale and did not cost more than $20 CAD, and some were not more than $10 CAD. It gave me some hope to be able to find them, but also, I felt a desire to design clothes that would be modest and beautiful, because I had tried on some gowns which I thought were beautiful but happened to be too short. In the past, that would not have mattered to me and I must admit I had to resist the temptation to buy them since they were affordable and beautiful. I literally had to tell myself not to compromise.

As I walked out of the mall, I could not help but see couples all around me. I don’t think I ever noticed this in that much detail in the past. I don’t think I cared. On this day, it felt like it was all in my face; it was amazing how all around me, everyone seemed to have someone. I found it interesting. Later on at night, I learnt that someone close to me was in love. I was happy for this person genuinely and wished the person well, even prayed for the person. I found myself later on feeling a longing in my heart for a healthy relationship and said an honest prayer to God about how I was feeling at that moment. My chest hurt a little later on and perhaps this scabby feeling settled over my entire body. I offered it up to God and considered that the hurt felt familiar. I have had nightmares in the past, which have featured head tightness or just an overall scabby, horrible feeling settling all over me, right before the nightmares happened or in the middle of it or perhaps on waking up. Two nights ago, as I sat up in bed, I felt as though I could tie whatever I was feeling to whatever I had experienced while sleeping. I couldn’t help but wonder if I have been bleeding all along while I was asleep. Perhaps, I bleed more easily when my guard is down while asleep.

A while ago, I considered that I could be suffering but did not know it. Recently, I considered the nightmares to be a suffering. I did not think of it that way in the past. It was just one of those things. Another that I have lately been thinking about is my social awkwardness and my difficulty socializing, even though I would like to be social. It makes living difficult. When I watch The Chosen, I am able to relate so much to Matthew’s personality. When I read about his story in the bible, I am able to recognize a similarity in the voice I heard “Seek me” and the voice that called him “Follow me”, so much so that I cannot help but wonder if the writers really got St. Matthew’s personality right without realizing it.

At some point last year, I had a specific intention to God, for Him to uncover where I am bleeding and to heal and help me. Towards the end of year, while randomly scrolling on YouTube, I found a video titled, “How to spot autism in high masking autistic women” on the page of “@Autismfromtheinside”. I almost scrolled past but then I thought to myself, “what if this is it”. However, I was skeptical, but I decided to watch the video, out of curiosity. The speaker explained that the way of coming to an assessment of this is by looking at the gaps in social skills, sensory sensitivities, inconsistent executive functioning, gaps in knowledge and understanding, information processing needs. As he explained further what these meant, I could find myself relating to his explanation. At the end of video, I thought, “Is there something here?”, so I decided to take a test for autism.

I took the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) assessment and my result showed that I could have autism.

When I read this, I breathed out a sigh of relief because everything in my life, everything about me, started to make sense; I felt like I could finally put a name to it. For a long time when I was much younger, I hardly said anything, mostly observed and spaced out (not really thinking about anything). My primary school teacher had written in my report card that I have trouble paying attention. His language had more flair and I had to use a dictionary to understand it. I did not know I did this until I read it in my report card. He never brought it to my attention. I was worried it would get me in trouble at home, but it didn’t. I think because my grades did not suffer. I still struggle with this but I try to mask it and work extra hard.

My secondary school ran a mentor-mentee program for all students. My mentor told my mom about her concern about me, that I like to keep to myself “a lot”. I did not know about this until last year when my mom mentioned it to me, and my mentor never said a word to me about it. My mom had apparently defended me, in saying that it was just my personality. In truth, I had a difficulty. I was always told that I look “lost”. I did not understand this.

Another thing is, I do not like being touched. I cannot always breathe freely when I am touched without giving permission, and even sometimes when I allow it, I freeze, my internal world pauses and I stare at the point of skin contact until the contact stops. Even yesterday, I drew away initially from reach of a disabled old lady who attempted to touch my arm in gratitude but then inched closer for her to touch me, hoping she did not notice.

These are just some of the things. I have always been hard on myself for not meeting up to what I consider to be the functioning of an adult and there have been times my inner thoughts have “shamed me”. It may have pushed me to be where I am now, I must admit, but it definitely is not good for my mental health and makes life hard to live.

It is strange to think of the possible diagnosis of a disorder, but I cannot help but thank God, because I could be in a worse place, and really, it could only be by His Grace that I am here now, because I see all the ways that I am inadequate.

I have read that the assessment is not intended to be diagnostic, and the author advises that anyone who obtains a high score and is suffering some distress should seek professional medical advice and not jump to any conclusions. At the time, I completed the assessment, I did not think I would get professional advice because it sounded overwhelming. Right now, I think If I get the chance to in the future, I will take advantage of it but it is not a priority to me.

I took a different assessment “CAT-Q” today and it came back the same; above average for the female population on compensation, masking and assimilation.

It is good to know. It reminds me to be gentle with myself and to consider that I might be suffering in ways other people do not necessarily suffer. It also reminds me to rely heavily on God to see me through my walk through this life.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song!

Heartbroken

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary.

I wondered if I should post this. I wrote it down in my notes to remind me of the goodness of God to me. I considered if it will ever go up here, prayed about it as I edited my notes, and left it alone. But on seeing a clip from The Chosen about Jesus begging Thomas to stay with Him, I feel it is right to post this here.

Last week Wednesday on 17Jul2024, I got to work, sat at my desk, logged on to my computer like I normally do, ready to get to work, when suddenly the thought which had occurred to me earlier as I got ready for work came back to me, and I began to sob for close to 10 – 15 minutes or more. My thoughts began at not being skilled at anything else but clinical research and also not being the best at what I do. Then, I believe I sobbed about everything going on with me; I sobbed about how it all overwhelms me and how I do not know what to do. I felt so tired deep in my soul and my heart hurt, so I massaged it several times that day. I reached out in my mind for a hug from Jesus on the cross. My prayer felt so much stronger later in the day, when I said the Divine Mercy Chaplet while meditating on the sorrowful mystery. My eyes welled up with tears as I prayed, although it did not come crashing down my face. I think my heart hurt all through work and I tried to stay cheerful but mostly did not speak that day, not that I speak a lot normally. I surmised that I was heartbroken. I could imagine that it could be a little of how Jesus felt since He was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief. That thought brought me a burst of joy in the midst of grief. 

I went to church after work and prayed at the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe and I told Our Lady about my exhaustion. I didn’t say much by way of prayer. I mostly just sat there. Then, I moved on to the tabernacle where Jesus is, and knelt to pray. While I prayed, the hurt in my heart went away without a trace, and I felt strength and consoled. So, I said to Jesus, “Look how powerful You are. I am here and I am better.” I hadn’t even prayed for the pain to go away. I was in the middle of giving thanks for God’s goodness to me, being penitent and telling Him about my day (mingled with petitions), like I usually do, when I realized it was gone. 

My feeling and thought even as I marvelled at the power of Jesus was that, “I don’t want to be here”, and a part of me wondered if His healing meant He made me better so that I can keep going. I didn’t want to be ungrateful, so, I gave thanks. I know He could turn the situation around with less than a breath, less than the minutest of energy, but I did not want to be here to find out. I don’t know how to describe this feeling. I was grateful but also didn’t care about seeing it all come to be in the future. So, I told Him that I still don’t want to be here and asked Him to take me out of here; “not the church per se, but here”, I kept saying. Deep down, I knew, “here” meant “this world” and I know He knows this too. I apologized 2 nights ago to God because I think I was ungrateful on that day, and also, I felt the ache at odd times 2 days ago. It is not here today as I write this.

I do not think it is thoroughly virtuous to feel this way because I would still want to choose how it happens, however, there is still some virtue and complete honesty in it and for that I give thanks to God.

On writing my notes about my grief of this day, I have become aware that I had the dream about Our Lady of Perpetual Help in the early hours of 17th of July, the same day this happened to me, and also came across the prayer card that night. It makes me realize Mother Mary and Jesus were trying to tell me they are here for me and I am thankful to Her and I am thankful to God; Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

All glory and praise be to our God! Amen.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A good song to listen to.

Charism: Prayer?

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary!

I have thinking that it is possible that my charism is prayer. I do not know this for sure but I have a strong belief of this.

Maybe 2 or 3 nights ago, I had a dream in which I was lying in bed and I thought I was awake. An intrusive impure thought attempted to come into my mind, but I immediately began praying out loud against it like I normally do when I am awake. I do not fully remember the words I said. I think I prayed for God to strengthen my will, fortify/cleanse my thoughts…, and I am certain that I ended the prayer with “May the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen.”, which is new. I only say that when praying the Rosary and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I felt my head tighten as though I was having a “tension headache” when I began praying and it stopped while I prayed. I wondered when the tension headache began if I was really awake since the “tension headache” was familiar, and occurs whenever I am having a “bad dream”. I woke up and realized I had been dreaming.

The night before this/early hours of 17Jul, I was reciting prayers in my dream, almost as though I was learning to say the words, first, “Our Lady of Perpetual Help, pray for us”, and then, “Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, Have Mercy on Us” My memory is vague on the prayer to the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus. I believe I said them again, this time starting with, “Most Sacred Heart of Jesus…” and then “Our Lady of Perpetual Help…”. I do not pray to Mary under the title, “Our Lady of Perpetual Help”, although I have been praying to Mary lately under the title of “Our Lady of Succour” after learning about an apparition in Sciacca. I don’t know if the titles are linked. Later that day, I flipped open my bible which I do not use and so do not go through (I use my e-bible instead) and found a prayer card to Our Lady of Perpetual Help which I had placed there earlier in the year but forgot about. I had brought the prayer card with me from my travel to Nigeria back in January, because it is Mary and I love Mary; that and my bible from my childhood. I had the bible and prayer card blessed months after bringing it back. I don’t remember when. Anyway, I flipped over the prayer card and said the prayer there and have been saying it ever since.

A night before this, I awoke to myself praying out loud, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me a sinner and on the whole world”. I basically realized the words coming out of my mouth on waking up.

Nights before this, I awoke to my fingers moving as though moving along the beads of a Rosary.

I think it is great that while sleeping, I am praying to God or that my body remembers the movements of my prayer or devotion. I like the thought of prayer being a constant part of my life.

Have you ever thought about charisms? This is what the Catechism of the Catholic Church has to say about Charisms:

“799 Whether extraordinary or simple and humble, charisms are graces of the Holy Spirit which directly or indirectly benefit the Church, ordered as they are to her building up, to the good of men, and to the needs of the world.

800 Charisms are to be accepted with gratitude by the person who receives them and by all members of the Church as well. They are a wonderfully rich grace for the apostolic vitality and for the holiness of the entire Body of Christ, provided they really are genuine gifts of the Holy Spirit and are used in full conformity with authentic promptings of this same Spirit, that is, in keeping with charity, the true measure of all charisms. 253

801 It is in this sense that discernment of charisms is always necessary. No charism is exempt from being referred and submitted to the Church’s shepherds. “Their office [is] not indeed to extinguish the Spirit, but to test all things and hold fast to what is good,” 254 so that all the diverse and complementary charisms work together “for the common good.”

I just love that God is glorified even when I am sleeping and I love the thought that I could be helping people through my prayers. I am also grateful to God for protecting me.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you could listen to!

Catholic Teaching: Cooperation and Double Effect

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary!

I said in a previous post that I could not find a catholic teaching that pointed specifically to my job situation but there are actually catholic teachings. I saw them in the publication and did not realize they were actual Catholic teachings. I also did not read the entire publication, only areas I felt pertained to me. So, two teachings among others considered in the publication are: The Principle of Double Effect and The Principle of Cooperation in Evil. Read more here: A Catholic Guide to Ethical Research

The principle of double effect is a moral guide developed over several centuries in the Catholic moral tradition, designed to help ensure that an act which has both good and bad likely effects will be morally good. 

Cooperation in evil is any specific assistance knowingly and freely given to the morally evil act of another person or institution. A cooperator is the person or institution that provides this assistance, and a “principal agent” is the person or institution whose immoral act is assisted by the cooperator. 

I must admit knowing the teachings does not automatically translate to understanding how to apply it to every given situation. I found it unclear, but this is a limitation of my understanding, not necessarily the teaching.

I have focused more on the examples which were given in the publication to gain understanding, and also the below principles laid out in the publication:

“In crafting morally acceptable wording, the following principles should be followed:

a. Subjects should not be required to use contraception. 

i. However, subjects can be required to take appropriate precautions to avoid pregnancy or fathering a child. 

ii. The level of certainty with which pregnancy is to be avoided may be specified in the protocol. 

b. The subjects must be free to choose how they will avoid becoming pregnant or fathering a child, although as noted above the level of certainty may be specified. 

c. It is permissible to convey information to subjects on the effectiveness of various methods of pregnancy prevention, and verify their understanding, as long as it is clear that use of contraceptives is not required. Conveying information but not requiring contraception is not immoral cooperation, because the writer or health professional is providing factual information that is in the public domain, which is morally different than advocating or encouraging the use of contraception. 

d. Abstinence should always be included as an acceptable method for avoiding pregnancy or fathering a child. 

e. Certain methods of preventing pregnancy may be prohibited. For example, birth control pills may be prohibited in studies where drug interactions with oral contraceptives could occur and pose a safety risk or otherwise alter the outcome of the study.

f. Abortion is never permissible as a method of birth control.”

I saw a priest about it twice and I also enlisted the help of my brother for an impartial assessment. Another priest advised me to look up catholic teaching, to get someone to help me discern (which is the reason I used my brother and read the publication better to realize it is actual catholic teaching) and that he will also read up on it as well. One priest and my brother have confirmed that I am not cooperating in evil based on the principles mentioned above.

I don’t understand the first principle stated above since to prevent pregnancy is to use contraception whether by natural methods including abstinence, or non-natural methods including pills and devices. And if it is a requirement to join the study that one must prevent pregnancy, then the subjects are required to use contraception. It could be that the authors of the publication don’t consider “behaviour” as a form of contraception when they mention contraception should not be required but appropriate measures can be required to prevent pregnancy.

There is also a lack of control I have in the implementation of these protocol/ICFs.

I am thankful to God that all this has caused me to spot an omission in a document which has not been implemented yet.

Depending on where you read, abstinence is considered a birth control method. Alberta Health Services, the jurisdiction I work under, lists abstinence as a birth control method (Birth control methods), but just because it says so today, does not mean it will say so tomorrow.

I think it is suspect if a lot of society do not include abstinence as a method of birth control when it is the only way that is 100% certain of preventing pregnancy when used consistently. No one bats an eye about the possibility that oral pills or condoms may be used inconsistently or the accidents that can happen with the condom, but a lot of people become lawyers and warriors when it comes to arguing about the impracticality of using sexual abstinence. It is hard not to see there is an agenda here.

I have been sexually abstinent for years now. It is a way of life. I don’t think about it. I just am. I don’t believe I am the only one. The culture is so harmful in making people believe they are the only one being sexually abstinent; they are odd; they will not be wanted; there is something wrong with them. I think the right way is to have properly ordered desires. The point of procreation is to have children and for bonding between a husband and a wife. Anything outside of that is disordered. Yet, disorder is praised highly and given the golden stamp.

When I was younger, I felt the pressure to not be celibate because society seemed to condemn people who were “virgins” and I felt weird for not being like everyone else.

Society mentions that birth control methods like pills and devices give you the freedom to choose when you can be pregnant but it is a false sense of freedom if a person has no control over their desires. Essentially, to not have control over one’s desires is to be a slave to one’s desires. The ones who are truly free are the ones who have control over their desires. That is the ideal goal. Nobody says it is easy but through the power of the Holy Spirit and persistence, humility and courage in drawing close to the throne of mercy to Jesus; that is how you will become free. “Now, The Lord is Spirit, and where The Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A song you could listen to!

Hope

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary!

I started off before I began to write this, to pray to God for His help with writing this post on Hope. I told Him that I don’t really know if I am the best to write about “Hope” and I do not know much what to say about it, but I had kind of decided earlier, I believe during morning prayer, that it would be the topic of writing for my next post. My thought in prayer was a conversation I had with a colleague of mine yesterday.

I have been making job applications for close to a year now if not more, since the one I have now is temporary. I have had 3 initial interviews which have not proceeded to the next. The last one, I seemed to have offended the lady by telling her “Thank you for reaching out to me.” Her displeasure was so evident on her face and her body language. She practically reclined back in her chair in that moment with a displeased expression on her face, that I did not understand what I did to offend her, so, I had to explain my reason for saying thank you, by adding, “I appreciate it.” The giveaway was her eagerness to tell me her concern about a lack of experience in a particular therapeutic area, when I had asked her something different, i.e., if there was something she needed clarity on from what I had shared with her. My lack of experience in dermatology was clearly stated in my application, since it is one of their intake questions. Her reaction after my “Thank you” was another giveaway. My consideration from the experience was I was glad I did not lie about my experience. I feel like she tried to trip my up, when she stated an experience which I did not have and I don’t believe I claimed to have it anywhere. This could be an assumption, but her smile/mini-laugh when I denied having the experience was strange to me. My joy is that I refuted it and put away my desperation or desire for a job. I suppose I also considered afterwards that I should have taken the word I believe now was from God, telling me to rest, while I prepared late into the night for the interview. How many times have I not listened to that voice because while I considered it might be from God, I wondered if it came from me?

This and the other rejections I have received, including the other 2 pre-interviews, have not hurt me so much. I have been thankful to God so much that it does not hurt anymore. My hunger is for God to show me what exactly He would like me to do. And I have begun to wonder if that is clinical research, since I have started to have some concerns about a certain part of clinical research, in relation to my faith, and I am starting to wonder if I am complicit in evil. I spoke to a priest about it and he assured me that I am not, although after leaving him, I wondered if I was clear enough to him about the extent of my involvement. I am unclear on that point in my memory. Although, recently, I remembered that it is possible that I did mention it to him. I have to book another appointment to clarify this again. I feel silly when these things happen but what am I to do about it? He did say I could leave the field of clinical research if I continue to be bothered about it, and encouraged me to pray to God for discernment. I think a part of me knows I am not doing anything wrong but for clarity sake, I must ask. I also have to think if I am indeed proud of the work that I am involved in.

So, these are the things I have been thinking about, first and foremost and not necessarily the rejections. I have praying for direction into the job or vocation that God is calling me into. I do not know what it is or could be.

My conversation with my colleague yesterday was a topic on the Job opening at my workplace which I applied for which is a project manager role in clinical research (Although I am applying broadly to any project management role and praying God places me in the one He feels is best). My colleague feels I am so qualified, with my PMP certification and experience in project management that I had to tell her that I try not to raise my hopes too high. She mentioned that I must have some hope if I am applying. So, I explained in my brief way of speaking that “I do not hope in myself. I hope in God.” She stared at me in consideration. I tried to convey to her that if my skills were ultimate, I would have a job now. I don’t know if my explanation carried as far as I wished to convey it, since in person, I use so few words. One thing I know is, God is ultimate and greater than anything and I wish to please Him, as best as I can. I am not saying I am perfect. I make so many mistakes and sometimes, I do not know if I am doing the right thing. Other times, what seemed right, ends up looking wrong to me and bringing me grief that I think I would prefer my free will taken away by God but what do I know.

I know that God is more than able to give me more and better than I can ever imagine. If He chooses not to give me in this life, I look forward to the feast and treasure that awaits me in Heaven. I only ask for the grace to move on to all that He desires for me.

On a final note, Pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A peaceful chant you might enjoy! Listen to find out!