By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone. Remember to pray the rosary!

When I was a kid, I would sometimes hear an orchestra playing in my head. The music was so beautiful, and I wished I could play it out, but I didn’t know how to play any instrument other than the recorder, and I wasn’t very good at it. I told a friend on the school bus about it, and she didn’t call me weird. Later, I watched the movie “August Rush,” about a boy who could hear a symphony in his head, and I think I wondered if people might think I was lying if I shared my experience. I also found it interesting that a movie portrayed a kid experiencing this. As I grew older, I stopped hearing the music.

Two nights ago, I had a dream where I sang a song to Jesus, and I woke up with the tune still playing in my head. I recorded it and sang it a few times during the day, and I could hear in my head how the production would sound, even the symphony and blend of voices. It wasn’t until today in church that I realized I had heard music again. I could not help but wonder if perhaps a part of my innocence had been healed. Sometimes, healing comes so subtly that you don’t even realize it has happened until it has.

Recently, I’ve been learning that attraction can be manipulated by the evil one, even if it starts off as something good or somewhere good. I found it difficult to get someone out of my head. You might wonder why it’s a bad thing to think about someone you like. The thing is, I didn’t know this person well, only a general awareness of him and his actions in church, and he smiled at me. I could only see virtues which made him attractive to me, but I didn’t know him well enough to say I liked him; at best, I was curious.

Another reason I found it problematic was that I did not have custody of my mind. My thoughts never wandered to anywhere sinful and never beyond my encounters with him or fantasies of what could be, but still my body was weak and easily excitable. Even my perception of him was altered. He appeared more physically attractive to me. Like he had a glow and my eyes would catch him everywhere my head turned. I prayed to God several times to take it away and to help me have control of my mind. I also went to confession hoping for the grace I have always received to overcome any vice I bring forward to confession. It persisted even after confession. Then, I admitted to Mother Mary that there must be a part of me that wants this even if I did not like it. The bible says, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free and I wanted to be free, so I was careful about admitting my fault with that in mind. I left the church that day feeling exhausted.

During this time, I leaned into praying to the Holy Spirit for self control. I learned to see all men as my brothers and nothing more. This revelation slightly deadened the attraction, and I felt a freedom within me when I decided not to kiss a man until marriage. I believe this is the way it is supposed to be, although, others might argue differently. I have a hard time believing a couple could “always” exchange chaste and pure kisses. I realised as well that humans were made by God for truth and to recognise the truth. The reason we do not always do this is because of sin, and “the man” was blessed with a knowing of this truth at his creation. It is the only way he would have been able to name all animals in the garden of Eden and do it excellently without sinning. So, a man fully aligned with God’s will, will always be able to recognise the truth with God’s help. This isn’t to diminish women, but I wonder about where the saying “woman’s intuition” comes from, and about the manner it is used as though it is a special gift limited to women when “the man” was first blessed in this way by God. I want a man who is lead by God to know the truth because he is in alignment with God’s will, and I do not want love to be awakened in me until it pleases, so to speak. It is one of the reasons I did not trust my feelings. It went against my beliefs and desire.

Anyway, I still didn’t have full control of my mind until I asked God some questions since I could not figure it out. “Do I like him?” “Am I attracted to him?” “Should I be attracted to him?” or something similar. It felt like a fog lifted, and I regained custody of my mind. Later, I asked similar questions to God for good measure. “Do I like him? Am I attracted to him? Should I be attracted to him? If I should not be attracted to him, then please take it away”. However, since the first time I asked the questions to God, I have had control of my mind in that area. So, I was being unnecessary, surely out of a desire for it to be permanent.

I remember feeling weird and perhaps melancholic afterwards that day, and when seated in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe in church, because it felt like I had been on a high only to crash quickly. I was grateful to God for everything I had learnt but I was annoyed that my feelings had been manipulated so, I prayed against the evil one, as I felt so aware of his plans to destroy me. I was also concerned that my feelings were so easily manipulated and wondered if I was really okay. So, I prayed to Jesus about it for His healing. I am thankful to God for His grace. I believe I have been healed.

There were some “God coincidences” during that time, which are really no coincidences at all. I remember a thought came to me during that time, “Be open (Ephphatha)”, and I recalled the bible passage where Jesus healed the deaf and dumb man. I prayed for God’s help to be open to His will and to do His will. Then, I heard the bible passage about the healing of the deaf and dumb man read in church during daily mass. I considered the creation of Adam and Eve, and then it was one of the passages read during daily mass last week. Another was that I remember praying a rough form of “God’s will is my will” at some point during that time, and afterwards, stumbling across an Instagram post about a quote from St. Alphonsus Liguori, that one should accustom oneself to saying in times of trial, “It is the will of God; it is my will also”. Now, I often pray, “God’s will is my will,” and I feel my will bolstered.

I can’t say that I know everything about this series of event. In fact, I have a feeling there is still more to learn that I do not know yet. It is the reason that at first I hesitated to write this post. But, I suppose I will worry only about today and bask in the joy of knowing that I am able to hear the music again and that God is in my midst, a Warrior Who gives victory; Who will rejoice over me with gladness, Who will renew me in His love and Who will exult over me with loud singing as on a day of festival.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot might have been used to refine this write up. I honestly can’t remember at this time but in recent times, I have found it to be a handy tool for editing.