Author Archives: Kat_mira

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About Kat_mira

Hi! My name is Cynthia Aralu. I started this blog to write about anything that comes to my head basically. Anything on my mind that I need to get out. This blog runs along the same wavelength of my catalogued thoughts series which I started later on, on Instagram. However, when I really think of the theme of this blog, what springs forth readily to me is, "From Here to Space". Here, being the established and space being, the largely unexplored. I write because words flow from me, through me, in me, and my voice has never been the greatest at conveying them. I post because I want someone out there, in some corner of the world to read and connect deeply to my words. I want to provoke thought and bring peace to people through my writing. I also want that person reading to feel a little less alone in the overwhelming vastness that is this universe.

Marriage

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone, I hope you’re all doing well and remembering to pray the rosary.

Recently, I’ve taken some time to learn more about the concept of marriage as understood by the Catholic Church, so as to guide me. I vaguely recall listening to a priest on a podcast, a while ago, where he addressed a question about attending a wedding that would not take place in a Catholic Church (if I remember correctly). His response was, “No, a catholic should not attend that wedding”. This discussion stood out to me, and I stored it away in my mind.

I also remember a debate from when I was much younger about whether Catholics who completed the Nigerian traditional marriage were considered already married. Someone argued that they should be, since the traditional marriage existed long before Christianity arrived. I can’t recall my exact viewpoint during that conversation—it might have been in favor of the “White” wedding (Catholic wedding), against it, or simply confused by the complexity of the topic. At the time, I hadn’t received sufficient catechesis to be fully educated on the matter.

More recently, about a year or two ago, I had an awkward conversation with someone who had completed a “traditional Nigerian marriage”. During the discussion, I explained that, according to the Church, the individual wasn’t truly married yet and encouraged them to avoid sin before the Catholic marriage was finalized. Looking back, I realize that I must have understood that a traditional marriage wasn’t considered valid at all. However, I wasn’t entirely clear on all the reasons why. I only knew it was not and that it was my responsibility to offer advice, regardless of whether it was accepted.

Recently, despite my initial reluctance, I’ve delved into Canon Law to gain clarity. In addition to studying the law, I’ve spent time watching numerous videos, reading Catholic materials, and engaging in conversations about this topic. Although I often feel unsure and exhausted, I’ve tried my best to understand. This journey has led me to much greater clarity than I ever had before—and ultimately, it has guided me toward conversion.

First of all, baptized Catholics are governed by Canon law. This might not be widely understood by many Catholics, and I’ll admit, it was something I personally struggled to make sense of. When I think of “government,” I often associate it with countries. The idea of being governed by Canon law felt strange at first. However, upon reflection, it makes sense: I am a citizen of Heaven and the government of Heaven has a physical/visible representative here on Earth—the Church. Any discomfort or unease I feel or have felt about this authority likely stems from my own struggles with submitting to authority, not from the authority itself being invalid.

Canon law provides a framework rooted in divine law and tradition, and disobedience to it is considered immoral or sinful. While I’m not the person to determine the severity of sin for anyone (frankly struggle even for myself), I encourage studying more about the nature of sin and the three key elements that distinguish venial sins from mortal ones: grave matter, full knowledge, and deliberate consent.

As such, with regards to marriage, the Church governs the marriages of Catholics. For Catholics, marriage is a sacrament that requires adherence to Canon law for both validity and sacramentality. Canon law lays out clear guidelines regarding the sacrament of marriage, and its validity depends on meeting specific requirements, i.e. a celebration of marriage according to canonical form, including:

  • Celebration of the marriage in the presence of an authorized Catholic cleric and at least two witnesses, typically in a Catholic church, unless a dispensation is granted.
  • Celebration of the marriage according to liturgical practices established by the Church.

If a Catholic marries outside of canonical form—such as through a civil ceremony or in a non-Catholic setting without proper permissions—the marriage is considered invalid unless a bishop grants a dispensation.

In addition, when a Catholic and a non-Catholic wish to marry, they must meet the requirements set out in canon law (including the permission of the local ordinary). Without this dispensation, the marriage is deemed invalid and cannot impart sacramental grace, even if one or both parties are baptized.

Baptism is essential for sacramentality, but it’s not the only requirement. Other necessary elements include the intention to remain faithful, openness to procreation, freedom/capacity to marry, free consent, and adherence to the proper form of marriage—including the presence of an authorized cleric and witnesses.

Additionally, Canon law requires a Catholic who was previously married to obtain an annulment of their prior marriage before entering into a new one, even if the previous marriage was civil and deemed invalid. This ensures the sacramental integrity of the new marriage.

Invalid marriages can be healed by the Catholic Church, as appropriate for each case in order to bring the marriage into conformity with Church teaching and allow it to be recognized as valid. It highlights the pastoral care of the Church and its desire to guide the faithful back into good standing with the Church and God, all while considering the unique needs of each case.

It’s important to note that these guidelines apply specifically to members of the Catholic Church and doesn’t extend to non-Catholics. If you’re interested, I recommend exploring Canon law further for more information.

From my brief investigation, I have learned that attending an invalid marriage can be considered immoral, depending on the circumstances. Some adopt a firm stance, refusing to attend any invalid marriages, while others take a more flexible approach, evaluating each situation on a case-by-case basis—for example, when a marriage takes place outside the Catholic Church without a bishop’s dispensation. When it comes to unions that could involve adultery, I’ve encountered advice urging extreme caution. One perspective suggested that the morality of attending such a marriage might only become clear at the final judgment—a thought that sent a literal chill through me. However, there is a clear and consistent teaching to take a firm and resolute stand against attending same-sex marriages.

When a marriage is invalid, any immoral actions within such a union are sinful. There is also the argument that the marriage itself is immoral because it involves a violation of Canon law. This raises questions for me, particularly about the stance of the Nigerian Catholic Church. I wonder why traditional marriages often take place before Catholic church marriages if they are recognized as immoral. Is there some sort of dispensation granted in these cases? This has been a source of confusion for me, as well as for others who see no issue with civil or traditional marriages occurring before the Catholic wedding as a result of this. It is entirely possible that such practices are sinful yet have become normalized to the extent that it is now seen as good, and that is a difficult reality for me to fully grasp.

All of this feels too complex for my simple mind. My intuition is to avoid these situations altogether—or at least consider those that have the potential to become licit, where there is a clear intention to complete a Catholic marriage afterward (with a set date and plans in place). However, I recognize that I might be influenced in allowing this small exception by my background and the advice from priests I’ve come across. Is it good? I have different thoughts, and I can’t say for certain. Scandal doesn’t just affect those directly involved; its repercussions can ripple through generations. This is where my mind lingers. When I consider that, I believe avoidance is often the wisest choice, as you can never truly know if your intended good might come at a hidden cost. Ultimately, my priority is to put God first.

I don’t know enough to speak in depth about customary marriages (nigerian traditional marriage) or how the Catholic Church in Nigeria provides pre-marital counselling regarding the navigation of traditional and Catholic marriage. Typically, the traditional marriage is completed first to satisfy the cultural practice of giving a child away, and all weddings (traditional, civil, church) are often planned together and usually take place within a short time (hours, day(s) or month(s)) of each other. From what I’ve read briefly, customary marriages are legally binding under Nigerian law. I’m also aware that some Catholics consider customary marriages to be valid. Unfortunately, Nigerian Catholics can easily fall into sin if they are misled, poorly taught, or influenced negatively by culture or scandal. This is why, when I was much younger, I was in a discussion with fellow Catholics about whether customary marriage alone is sufficient. Personally, I am starting to think the traditional marriage may not be necessary for me but we’ll see since culture is beautiful to have in one’s life but never at the expense of faith and morals.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to any Catholic that I wholeheartedly believe in the truths revealed by the Catholic Church in Canon law and the precepts of the Church, or that as a result, I decide to live my life through the lens of the truths revealed by the Catholic Church, to the best of my ability and I do not intend to reject any truths revealed by the Catholic church, all by the grace of God and the moulding hands of Mother Mary. I can understand a non-Catholic disagreeing with me. However, when the disagreement comes from a fellow Catholic, it fills me with a sense of relational dissonance, loneliness, exhaustion, uncertainty, and a deep longing for God.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot was used to refine this write up and also garner some information.

A lovely song to listen to!

Consecration to Jesus through the Hands of Mary

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone! I hope you are all doing well and you remember to pray the rosary.

For quite a while now, I’ve felt as though I have nothing meaningful to share—like I have no voice. Whenever I wanted to express something, it always seemed like the timing was off, or my words came across as too harsh and unrefined. With that in mind, I could offer you a glimpse into my current thoughts and direct you to a consecration course to Jesus through the hands of Mary.

1. The concept of “unconditional love,” as it is often interpreted to mean, that is, the enabling of evil for the sake of love, is a distortion. Reflecting on the verse, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.”, we see that God, who is Love, has demonstrated the depth of His love for the world. Yet, He also made clear that only those who believe in His Son, sent as a perfect sacrifice, will have eternal life.

This highlights that holy love—the highest and purest form of love—maintains boundaries while remaining enduring, as mercy itself is an expression of love. You are loved as you are, but called and nurtured to be the best. This is the true definition of unconditional love. Any love that strays from or fails to align with God’s Holy Love becomes an aberration, no longer love but a corruption of the term. I believe this is reason people do not believe in love or the transformative power of love. They have imagined in their heads what love is not and defined it as love and their imaginations have failed them.

2. The world and its people are steeped in corruption—a truth that should not come as a surprise. I felt the weight of this truth profoundly last year when I renewed my consecration to Jesus through the Hands of Mary. I do not exclude myself from this observation. It is difficult to truly grasp the depth of corruption embedded in the mind of someone who has lived an unguarded life, shaped and influenced by evil perspectives. Recently, this feeling has grown remarkably intense.

Consider this: “Mary is the supreme masterpiece of Almighty God and He has reserved the knowledge and possession of her for Himself”. Yet “Mary being a mere creature fashioned by the hands of God is, compared to his infinite majesty, less than an atom, or rather is simply nothing, since He alone can say, ‘I am He who is'”. Mary herself knew and believed this truth, proclaiming, “I am the handmaid/slave of God… He has regarded the low estate of His handmaiden… He has put down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of low degree”.

Reflect further: “God the Father gave his only Son to the world only through Mary. Whatever desires the patriarchs may have cherished, whatever entreaties the prophets and saints of the Old Law may have had for 4,000 years to obtain that treasure, it was Mary alone who merited it and found grace before God by the power of her prayers and the perfection of her virtues. “The world being unworthy,” said Saint Augustine, “to receive the Son of God directly from the hands of the Father, He gave His Son to Mary for the world to receive Him from her.” The Son of God became man for our salvation but only in Mary and through Mary. God the Holy Spirit formed Jesus Christ in Mary but only after having asked her consent through one of the chief ministers of His court.” See “Treatise on True Devotion to the Blessed Virgin”, by St. Louis Marie Grignion de Montfort

Now considering that Mary is esteemed greatly but is nothing in comparison with God, and her merits far surpass those of the saints in Heaven—who are themselves esteemed to the extent of their merits—by this true measure, I recognize how wretched I am.

3. Since “Mary loves Jesus ardently and glorifies Him more perfectly than all of God’s other creatures—saints and angels alike”, it follows that honoring Mary and the saints brings honor and glory to God. In the same vein, all creation, whether in heaven, on earth, under the earth, or in the sea, rightly gives God praise. Who could do this more perfectly when praised and honored than Mary and the saints in Heaven? Consider Mary: when praised by her cousin St. Elizabeth, her immediate response was a song of praise to God, proclaiming, “My soul glorifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior…” This truth should be as evident as when one gives charity to the less fortunate and brings glory and praise to God—whether through the grateful lips of those helped, the hearts of those who witness or learn of the event, or by the charitable deed itself inspired by God. Similarly, when the saints in heaven are honored, they give glory of God as a sort of reflection, having been conformed to Him to the extent they have merited. See “Treatise on True Devotion to the Blessed Virgin”, by St. Louis Marie Grignion de Montfort

4. There is a noticeable inconsistency between truly serving God and what some individuals, who believe they are serving Him, deem acceptable—such as reading books or watching movies with pornographic content in their homes. This is just one example, yet it has become so normalized for some that their conscience has grown desensitized. They may believe their conscience is clear, even when confronted with this truth from an external observer.

5. It is inconsistent to claim to “believe and follow all the teachings of the Catholic Church” while accepting or engaging in certain practices that contradict its teachings. Allow me to list a few examples: being complacent about your children leaving the Catholic Church, speaking about confession as though it is optional, speaking negatively about devotion to the saints, accepting the use of contraception, abusing the sanctity of the marital bed, or considering IVF as an acceptable option.

A recent instance that left me unsettled involves the engagement with content where someone, under the label of ‘Christian prophecy’, examined palms to predict the future. I have been cautious in describing the activity as it was relayed to me, refraining from attaching specific labels to it. However, I was informed that it is not considered divination or palm reading—or that palm reading, in this context, is not divination—but I struggle to see how the conclusion could be otherwise, even if it is rare in its occurrence, as I’ve been told. I believe the truth will come out one day.

Ironically, it would be better to follow all the teachings of the Catholic Church in simplicity, even without raising “wise questions” or trying to be wise in one’s own eyes, as such simplicity in faith could make one truly wise.

6. There is no greater mother than Mary. Even if I falter, I trust her to guide me back to true contrition and repentance. I rely on her to show me the best way to please her Son, Jesus, who, in His love, has chosen to be my brother. This was once a source of concern for me, but through the consecration course, I learned to entrust myself to her care. Now, I feel a deep sense of peace, knowing that she intercedes for me before Jesus.

7. Why go to Jesus through Mary? It pleases Jesus, as it is the most perfect way He chose to come to us, and thus the most perfect way for us to go to Him. Furthermore, since Jesus is God, just as God the Father is God, and we have been given Jesus Christ as a Mediator between us and the Father, it is fitting that Jesus, being God, would also have a mediator. Out of His profound humility and perfection, He gave us Mary—not out of necessity, but because it is the most humble and perfect way He chose to unite Himself with humanity in the flesh; through her.

Humility is not easy, and in today’s world, its meaning has been lost. Many have also lost a sense of a Holy Fear of God, to the point where roles and stations are no longer given their due regard. I personally grapple with the concept of humility, as it feels foreign to me. Yet, in Heaven, hierarchies exist as part of God’s divine order.

8. There is a consecration course set to begin on March 24th, led by the Heralds of the gospel. I will renew my consecration to Jesus again this year by God’s grace.

“The Consecration Course is based on the Treatise on True Devotion to the Blessed Virgin, by St. Louis Marie Grignion de Montfort, a prophetic work and a theological document of the utmost importance. A daily video lesson will be on Heralds of the Gospel’s online catholic course platform (“Reconquest Platform“)”. 

  • “The first class, on the evening of the 24th of march, will be a Live on Youtube at https://live.heralds.org/
    On consequent days, you will be able to attend each day’s class at your convenience. The classes will be recorded and will be available from 5 a.m. 
  • To easily receive all the information, you can join their WhatsApp group – although this is not necessary: click here.
  • Send any questions you have to: consecration@heralds.org
  • To join the consecration course, sign up at this link: https://consecration.heralds.org/slei
  • Alternatively, if you are wary of links, google “Reconquest Platform Heralds of the Gospel”. It should be easy enough to navigate to the free consecration course that starts on March 24th and ends on April 26th.
True Devotion to Mary By St. Louis Marie de MontfortDownload

Here is an another excerpt from the True Devotion to Mary: Consequently, this great Lord, who is ever independent and self-sufficient, never had and does not now have any absolute need of the Blessed Virgin for the accomplishment of His will and the manifestation of His glory. To do all things He has only to will them. 15. However, I declare that, considering things as they are, because God has decided to begin and accomplish His greatest works through the Blessed Virgin ever since He created her, we can safely believe that He will not change His plan in the time to come, for He is God and therefore does not change in His thoughts or His way of acting.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot was used to refine this write up.

Music in Me

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone. Remember to pray the rosary!

When I was a kid, I would sometimes hear an orchestra playing in my head. The music was so beautiful, and I wished I could play it out, but I didn’t know how to play any instrument other than the recorder, and I wasn’t very good at it. I told a friend on the school bus about it, and she didn’t call me weird. Later, I watched the movie “August Rush,” about a boy who could hear a symphony in his head, and I think I wondered if people might think I was lying if I shared my experience. I also found it interesting that a movie portrayed a kid experiencing this. As I grew older, I stopped hearing the music.

Two nights ago, I had a dream where I sang a song to Jesus, and I woke up with the tune still playing in my head. I recorded it and sang it a few times during the day, and I could hear in my head how the production would sound, even the symphony and blend of voices. It wasn’t until today in church that I realized I had heard music again. I could not help but wonder if perhaps a part of my innocence had been healed. Sometimes, healing comes so subtly that you don’t even realize it has happened until it has.

Recently, I’ve been learning that attraction can be manipulated by the evil one, even if it starts off as something good or somewhere good. I found it difficult to get someone out of my head. You might wonder why it’s a bad thing to think about someone you like. The thing is, I didn’t know this person well, only a general awareness of him and his actions in church, and he smiled at me. I could only see virtues which made him attractive to me, but I didn’t know him well enough to say I liked him; at best, I was curious.

Another reason I found it problematic was that I did not have custody of my mind. My thoughts never wandered to anywhere sinful and never beyond my encounters with him or fantasies of what could be, but still my body was weak and easily excitable. Even my perception of him was altered. He appeared more physically attractive to me. Like he had a glow and my eyes would catch him everywhere my head turned. I prayed to God several times to take it away and to help me have control of my mind. I also went to confession hoping for the grace I have always received to overcome any vice I bring forward to confession. It persisted even after confession. Then, I admitted to Mother Mary that there must be a part of me that wants this even if I did not like it. The bible says, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free and I wanted to be free, so I was careful about admitting my fault with that in mind. I left the church that day feeling exhausted.

During this time, I leaned into praying to the Holy Spirit for self control. I learned to see all men as my brothers and nothing more. This revelation slightly deadened the attraction, and I felt a freedom within me when I decided not to kiss a man until marriage. I believe this is the way it is supposed to be, although, others might argue differently. I have a hard time believing a couple could “always” exchange chaste and pure kisses. I realised as well that humans were made by God for truth and to recognise the truth. The reason we do not always do this is because of sin, and “the man” was blessed with a knowing of this truth at his creation. It is the only way he would have been able to name all animals in the garden of Eden and do it excellently without sinning. So, a man fully aligned with God’s will, will always be able to recognise the truth with God’s help. This isn’t to diminish women, but I wonder about where the saying “woman’s intuition” comes from, and about the manner it is used as though it is a special gift limited to women when “the man” was first blessed in this way by God. I want a man who is lead by God to know the truth because he is in alignment with God’s will, and I do not want love to be awakened in me until it pleases, so to speak. It is one of the reasons I did not trust my feelings. It went against my beliefs and desire.

Anyway, I still didn’t have full control of my mind until I asked God some questions since I could not figure it out. “Do I like him?” “Am I attracted to him?” “Should I be attracted to him?” or something similar. It felt like a fog lifted, and I regained custody of my mind. Later, I asked similar questions to God for good measure. “Do I like him? Am I attracted to him? Should I be attracted to him? If I should not be attracted to him, then please take it away”. However, since the first time I asked the questions to God, I have had control of my mind in that area. So, I was being unnecessary, surely out of a desire for it to be permanent.

I remember feeling weird and perhaps melancholic afterwards that day, and when seated in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe in church, because it felt like I had been on a high only to crash quickly. I was grateful to God for everything I had learnt but I was annoyed that my feelings had been manipulated so, I prayed against the evil one, as I felt so aware of his plans to destroy me. I was also concerned that my feelings were so easily manipulated and wondered if I was really okay. So, I prayed to Jesus about it for His healing. I am thankful to God for His grace. I believe I have been healed.

There were some “God coincidences” during that time, which are really no coincidences at all. I remember a thought came to me during that time, “Be open (Ephphatha)”, and I recalled the bible passage where Jesus healed the deaf and dumb man. I prayed for God’s help to be open to His will and to do His will. Then, I heard the bible passage about the healing of the deaf and dumb man read in church during daily mass. I considered the creation of Adam and Eve, and then it was one of the passages read during daily mass last week. Another was that I remember praying a rough form of “God’s will is my will” at some point during that time, and afterwards, stumbling across an Instagram post about a quote from St. Alphonsus Liguori, that one should accustom oneself to saying in times of trial, “It is the will of God; it is my will also”. Now, I often pray, “God’s will is my will,” and I feel my will bolstered.

I can’t say that I know everything about this series of event. In fact, I have a feeling there is still more to learn that I do not know yet. It is the reason that at first I hesitated to write this post. But, I suppose I will worry only about today and bask in the joy of knowing that I am able to hear the music again and that God is in my midst, a Warrior Who gives victory; Who will rejoice over me with gladness, Who will renew me in His love and Who will exult over me with loud singing as on a day of festival.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot might have been used to refine this write up. I honestly can’t remember at this time but in recent times, I have found it to be a handy tool for editing.

A lovely song you could listen to!

An Invitation to Love

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

January was a long and busy month, and I’m still working on getting back into my daily mass routine after returning from Houston and moving recently. I am thankful to God for another month in this new year. Since my last blog post, I’ve learned more about myself and discovered a missing piece. Before the year was over, I was called selfish in a situation where I believed my reasons were justified, but it was perceived differently. This made me wonder, if I couldn’t handle being called selfish by a human, how would I bear it if God called me selfish? It was a chilling thought. So, I resolved to accept insults from people, keeping that in mind, to prepare myself for that day.

I’ve also reflected on my last blog post, wondering if it came across as selfish. Since being called selfish, I’ve been questioning my actions, asking myself, “Is this selfish?” and “Am I being selfish?” I thought maybe my blogpost seemed selfish, but my heart and intent weren’t, as the post didn’t capture the full context or my complete feelings. I considered other details I hadn’t included, not intentionally, but because they didn’t come to mind while writing. Who is to judge the heart but God?

Those accusatory words and my blog post propelled me to delve deeper into lessons I previously only understood superficially. This principle might seem simple or straightforward to you, who are wise, and maybe I had heard it before, but it only truly registered when I watched a video about suffering last month. The video mentioned, “There is no love without sacrifice. How could a mother claim to love her child without sacrificing for that child,” or something similar. Then, I realized my inclination is to desire to love without pain, but the pain and sacrifice are proof of the genuineness of my love. Here is a link to the YouTube video: Heralds of the Gospel – What CATHOLICS are not told about FASTING

All through last year, God invited me in so many ways to love Him. So, the year I couldn’t say I enjoyed was actually filled with moments where I loved God, a lot of moments I previously saw as inconveniences. Although, this does not apply to every moment, it felt like last year was marred by struggles. Yet, even the lows, which I didn’t enjoy, were highs in disguise. My perspective was just skewed. So, I resolved to welcome this year, by God’s grace, with the joy of knowing that this moment, this time, God is inviting me to love Him. It’s an opportunity.

I had equated loving God with loving my neighbors, and in truth, to love God is to love your neighbors. What I hadn’t considered is that to love God means to love everything He has willed to come my way, knowing it’s for my benefit. In fact, knowing the weakness of my will, these seemingly inconvenient moments are necessary for the salvation of my soul, if I cooperate with His grace. Cooperating with His grace will look different each time and doesn’t necessarily mean doing nothing.

Since having these thoughts, I’ve joyfully embraced everything God has sent my way, doing my best by His grace and offering it all up to Him. When I reflect on January, much of it has been focused on this. I try not to get too upset when things go wrong because I have a goal in mind. I don’t always get it right and I’m not perfect, but that’s okay. With time, I will perfect this by God’s grace. It’s such a privilege to be invited to love God. How many people truly realize this?

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you could listen to!

End-of-Year

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

How is everyone doing? I came close to not creating this post but my future self in less than 2 hours might be disappointed. So, here we go…

It has been a long year! My year started off on a high note with me passing the PMP exam, but I did not feel good on the first day of the year because all I did was worry.

A lot of this year was full of uncertainty, and I felt so unstable. It is not an easy feeling or place to be. I still feel unstable and uncertain about a lot of other things, and I feel the New Year will be a continuation of my endeavour towards what I feel stability should look like. I am thankful to God for a lot of things such as my job and for saving me in a lot of ways, especially in the ways I have no knowledge of, no matter how impatient I am or annoying. I am also thankful for His patience, His gentleness and His comforting presence which I could sense sometimes.

I don’t feel good on the last day of the year. This fact makes me uneasy when I think of the New Year.

It is not necessarily a bad thing to suffer in any way. The saints seemed to believe they were kissed by Jesus when they suffered. However, I cannot say I love suffering…maybe this is why I struggle. I don’t know how to reconcile their point of view with mine, but I am happy they exist because they love God in a more perfect way, and I admire them and all that they are and stand for.

I would like to pause in the New Year. I hope I am able to do that. I would also like my heart to be protected. I hope that happens.

I hate that I have been able to see all the flaws in others and I am not able to piece mine together to actually bring about significant change. I hate it so much that I wish I was oblivious. I think it might make life lighter. But then again, my insight has helped me navigate certain people, so perhaps it is not a total loss, and my wish is not for the best. I just don’t know how to make sense of it.

Oh well, I would like Next Year to be a good year for me. I hope that I will continue to see the goodness of God in the land of the living. I pray God accompanies me in all that I do next year, right down to me breathing in and out…right down to the functioning of my cells….right down to the stirrings of my soul. I hope that I am able to love God with my whole heart, soul, mind and strength. I need God’s help. I need God.

I think St. Padre Pio is going to be watching over me in the New Year. You might think it is a random statement, but I truly believe that it will be so, for my reasons and it makes me chuckle and also fret…only because I do not trust easy.

I hope everyone reading this has a blessed New Year, and I hope and pray that you find God when you search for Him in all the little ways that you do and might not even realise it.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you could listen to!

A Happy Death

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

Have you ever wondered what a happy death is? I did at the start of my reversion to the Catholic faith, since I prayed the Rosary regularly; the intention of the 4th Glorious Mystery (The Assumption of Mother Mary into Heaven) being a “Happy Death”, and presently, it is regularly on my mind.

I suppose at the start of my reversion, I might have imagined a happy death to mean a good death. I am trying to recall what conclusion I came to at the start. What is a good death? Is it to live comfortable, amassing wealth, love, fame, and then to die, and to cease to exist? The Catholic belief is that those who die in God’s grace, go to Heaven eventually, after a purification process. The Word of God says, “Nothing unclean will see God.”. So, is it possible to go straight to Heaven? One would have to be completely purified at the moment of death for them to go to Heaven straight away and how many can be so confident, without being foolish, that at the moment of their death, they have renounced all attachments and cling solely to God. I think I have heard it spoken of that it is also a Catholic belief that you can go straight to heaven after you die. Blessed Carlo Acutis spoke of going straight to Heaven. I think St. Therese of the Child Jesus did as well. St. Therese is a gem amongst gems. Then, there is St. Cecilia, who I learnt of recently and I was so in awe of. I think she went straight to heaven. She is so pure and beautiful. When I think of the saints, I think of how I am nothing like them.

I think I heard it said a “Happy Death” is to die in God’s grace and not about living a good life and then dying, by man’s standards. I suppose I might have imagined dying in my sleep, free of troubles and illness, when I considered a “good death”. I know of someone who prayed to die free of illness or long illness. I do not know if she died that way. I came to a place of no fear about death, and even thought recently that I could be dying while I slept one night. I felt myself floating upwards in that dream and thought, “Am I dying?”. I resigned myself to it and prayed, “Father, welcome me into your arms”. Then, I remembered I ought to pray for the forgiveness of my sins, which I did. Immediately, I prayed a prayer of contrition, it felt like my soul was slammed back into my body. I don’t know if the following happened right after, but while my eyes were still closed, an image of a smiling woman carrying a baby took shape in my head. It was like a drawing coming to completion. I remember clearly that at least either the woman or the child had chubby cheeks, possibly both did. And their youth, beauty, and cuteness was so evident. I have never seen that drawing in real life. I thought it was Jesus and Mary as I watched. This happened the Sunday of the first week of October.

I have watched people say it is normal to regret not doing a lot of things before dying. I have also heard it said it is naive not to fear dying even a little bit. Additionally, I heard it said it is foolish to just want to die, without considering the need to receive final rites or viaticum, and that it is the way to have a “Good Death”, and perhaps there was talk of a battle that happens at the moment of death. This is my interpretation of the things spoken. Perhaps, I misunderstand these people. I have considered those lines of thinking and perhaps I am the most foolish of them all for not being encumbered by such ways of thinking.

I have concluded that those ways of thinking produce fear, and I lay all my fear and anxiety at the feet of Jesus, at the foot of His cross, begging Him to redeem it and redeem me to glory of His Name, for my salvation and the salvation of others.

While having final rites done for you is a good thing, do I think everyone who have died or will die without final rites do not have a fighting chance of going straight to heaven or that they have less of a chance? The battle is God’s after all. Do I think I have a fighting chance at any point in my life, apart from the abundance and unending nature of God’s grace and mercy and Mary’s intercession for me.

I imagine even if I stood before Him and I was accused of the most heinous crimes and they were all found to be true, He is justified in condemning me, because He is all good and all righteous and I will accept His righteous judgement as true, without forgetting as well another truth, that even though there is no good in me, the Mercy of God never ceases, and I would beg for mercy with all the confidence of a child that knows it is loved without measure. This is a prayer and hope of mine. And so, I pray frequently and earnestly for a “Happy Death”, knowing that I will never be surrounded by love on this earth to the magnitude that I would be when I get to Heaven. I also earnestly run to the Blessed Virgin, ever confident in her love and intercession for me. I pray that Jesus and Mary are there at the moment of my death to lead me to Heaven. Knowing me, I will get lost without them.

I imagine a “Happy life” will be dictated by union with God after death or should I say a “Happy death”. I will be able to say “I lived a full life”, when I am in Heaven, not before. I count my life as loss, if it means I am separated from God. A happy life to me, is a life which terminates in friendship with God, whether rich or poor, loved or hated, young or old. There is no reason to despise the rich or to despise the hated or consider them going to a worse place than you are when death comes. You do not see their heart or know their destination and you could be wrong about them. The same God who loves you, loves them too. You would be better off praying for them to get to Heaven, not forgetting to pray for yourself too. So, I think there is no right station to be assigned to in this life, only a right way of living; a life lived loving God with your whole heart, with your whole soul, with your whole might, a life lived loving your neighbour as yourself. Go and learn what that entails by seeking God through Jesus, while He still can be found, and do it in truth. He will draw near to you.

I think I should say that I am not encouraging sinning so that God’s mercy presses even greater upon you. It should be obvious but it isn’t always.

I will end this post with the prayer from the Divine Mercy Prayer that I encourage people to pray and meditate on: “Eternal God in Whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon me and increase Your mercy in me, that in difficult moments we might not despair, nor become despondent but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will which is love and mercy itself”. You see, it really is in showing mercy or in the abundance of mercy that is in us, that we are able to hope that mercy will be shown to us. I just realized this.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song! Take a listen!

“Love”

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

I have been going through some things which I shan’t go into details about, but I will say this, I have learnt that a stranger will give love more readily than someone you consider close. Better to run to that stranger, than someone you think is close. But a stranger is a stranger for a reason, and I think as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt…hmmm, or is it disrespect. Better yet, run to God Who never fails.

I flinched when someone told me “I love you.”. It is hard to hear those words when you have been beat up emotionally by the person saying them. The words became easier to digest over time, to understand and to love. I cannot take credit for this transformation. Only God can do this.

I also prayed and hoped to God for something I desired. I moved forward courageously, when I had not a lot of courage, and prayed fervently for His peace. I thought I heard Him say to go forward but things did not work out as I had hoped. I wondered if indeed I had heard Him. Maybe not but also maybe I did. I do know looking back at it from a close distance, I can see that I have learnt some things from the experience so far. I have a richer understanding of what it means when God forgives you. It is written that God forgets your sins when you repent, and He forgives you. It all made sense to me amid a chaotic moment that was unrelated in matter to God’s revelation to me, but congruent in weight or depth of expression. The potent revelation I received made me realize in a striking manner which my soul is wont not to forget, that I will not crucify myself for my mistakes and God does not want me to do so either. “As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our sins from us”. “I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.”

Oh, I felt ecstatic and hopeful when things did not go my way, and instead of grief, I thought to myself that this is all for the Glory of God, for my salvation and the salvation of others. Later on, I felt grief, but it did not overtake me like it had in the past. It made me long for the Heavenly Jerusalem just like Abraham and the saints did. I told Him that perhaps I did hear from Him and I will take this event as discipline. God disciplines those He loves, so He must love me so much. God loves me so much, this I know.

Afterwards, I considered the love between a husband and a wife. I have been trying to have a God-like view of what that dynamic is supposed to look like. I remembered the portion of the bible where St. Peter exhorts wives to treat their husbands in the manner Sarah did, when she obeyed Abraham and called him ‘lord’. I was critical of the word “lord”. What did that mean? It sounded reverent but also, I couldn’t help but think about subjugation combined with inflexibility, judgementality, hypocrisy and inconsideration. I know of a traditional, catholic man who was this way. I also know of a middle class protestant Christian who was very considerate to his wife, he treated his wife like an egg. I know of a rich, liberal man who was conservative when it soothed him, so his wife suffered because he did not help whether by contract or by self, and he did not encourage the best for his wife. Finally, I know of a traditional African man from a largely patriarchal society, who did not want His wife to cook, hired help for her and of his own volition, made arrangements for her to get a higher education. That African man would have been made perfect if in other ways, had he practiced the Christian faith, and yet he was quite generous in nature in a lot of ways and God blessed him. It is an irony that the faithless are able to love in ways that the supposed faithful do not.

My mind also wondered if the vision of calling your husband “lord” could be akin to the victorian era where some men were called lords and some women were called ladies. To them, it might have been a surface synergy of Class meets Class on a level of some sort, but to Christians, should it not be a synergy of joint heirs to the grace of life; one heir of the Kingdom of God to another?

To my mind, I have only one Lord. My mind moved on to another bible verse when I considered how my Lord displayed His Lordship, and in turn taught through his actions and words, how the disciples ought to treat one another. It was on the day He washed their feet, a day before they would desert Him, and one would betray Him. Knowing this, He washed their feet. At another time He said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you; but whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave; even as the Son of man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

A lord by this definition is one who is a slave and servant of his wife, and pours himself out completely, without counting the cost, to the point of death. I looked up at the picture of the cross at the moment this came to mind while praying…or perhaps I was looking at it already without registering it. I should have been meditating on the “Crucifixion of Christ” because I was praying the seven sorrows, but my mind had been restless. In any case, the love I am considering is a life-giving love. It is so powerful that I stumbled over my thoughts. A healed woman or a woman open to healing would desire or crave to submit to that man and defend that man wherever she went to. She would sing his praises everywhere and she would be able to trust him.

And so, I asked God, “What man can love like that?” I wondered if it was even possible but then again, I remembered St. Therese of the Child Jesus. I had never gone through any writing of anyone before her, I don’t think, who burned with a desire for martyrdom. No one except Jesus. Although, as I write this now, a few do come to mind. I heard the account of St. Ignatius recently, how he begged the early Christians not to save him from being torn apart by lions. St. Paul as well….oh, and another saint who did evangelical work, but I do not recall his name. All things are possible through God’s grace.

If I am to consider this idea further as I write this, “We love because Christ first loved us.”. The man loves first through dying to himself and calls out a submissive expression of love from the woman. That is not to say that love must always be received for it to be given. On the contrary, I believe there is infinitely more merit in loving when you are not loved. I think one would be better off with a lot of prayer, placing greater scrutiny on the type of dynamic or relationship one chooses to have great proximity to for the rest of their life, and face (focus on) God whether or not they are blessed with this, and if not given, to die with joy and go to God. So, I am in fact considering a healed dynamic or one open to being healed when I write about a submissive expression of love which a man call out of a woman through loving in dying to self. On the other hand, the woman submits even though the man fails, and the man loves sacrificially even when the woman fails. It is easier said than done. That is why one should pray to God if in that situation, that God should help one love. God is always ready and willing to help you love. I know this because He always helped me whenever I asked for help to love….to be patient.

I do not understand the saying that one can love without respecting, perhaps this is why I have difficulty. I subscribe to the bible’s view of love and it is not bound or limited to gender. “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”. Looking at this, I cannot believe respect can be separated from love, so, I do not know how one could prefer to be respected over being loved. I wonder though, if the respect some men claim they want is the stroking of their ego, the fanning of their pride. This is what I have observed from a small sample size. But then again, I am not married and some might think me bitter because of it. Ultimately, what do I know except what I have observed, and what is the point I am trying to make by writing all of this?

I suppose the point of this is to share my thoughts, so that in doing so, someone out there does not feel alone in this vastness that is the universe; the point of my blog really, lest I forget.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you can listen to!

Testimony

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By Cynthia Aralu

I waited patiently for the Lord;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in him.

Psalms 40:1-3

Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

I have been meaning to share about God’s blessing to me and to give thanks to God in the presence of everyone like the Psalmist says: “Let them extol Him in the congregation of the people, and praise Him in the assembly of the elders”.

I held back at first because I couldn’t say anything at the time and then later on, I suppose I started to overthink everything. I got a new job within the same role at the same workplace and it gives me the opportunity to gain more project management experience while I make plans for my future. I give thanks to God for the opportunity that he has given me and it is my hope that I am able to be courageous and kind within this role, always keeping God at the forefront of all that I do. I pray for the grace to do good, for God’s guidance in all that I do, for God’s help to gain all the experience that I need. I must admit the role fills me with uncertainty about a few things but all I have to do is trust God and love as God desires. With God, I can do anything.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

God bless you!

A lovely song you could listen to!

Dreams or Visions

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By Cynthia Aralu

About 4 or 5 days ago,

I dreamt that I saw Jesus. 

I would have known the exact day,

if I’d written it down when I told myself to.

He was so large and I was so small. 

His face was neutral one minute,

The next, He had a frown. 

His eyes were exquisite.

They gleamed with so much power and fire. 

There He was, only looking at me. 

There I was, staring right back at him,

truly a mixture of awe and question.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary!

It’s been a while since I published a post on my blog. I have been resting. I noticed myself getting extremely fatigued much more frequently, crying a lot more, and so I had to withdraw inwards and become even a lot more quiet, so as to be able to focus on the “need to do(s)”. I am feeling a lot better now and also learning to take deep breaths when I feel overwhelmed and allow stimming. I find deep pressure, such as hugging myself tightly, to be very calming but I can’t do it everywhere as it can be seen as standoffish but I don’t think about any of that when I am in church. I give thanks to God for strength.

I had a dream maybe 4 or 5 days ago. I wrote it down today and felt a desire today to share it while praying this morning. So, that’s what I’m doing now. It is a memory stitched back together, so take the meaning behind the general story without a focus on the details, that is, if there is a meaning to you. Only God knows. 

It so happened that in this dream, I walked into one of the rooms in the ground floor of my family home in Nigeria which used to be storage for a long time, and there was a black cat there which I perceived was a curse, so I just thought something along the lines of, “I’m over this scene and I’m going to God”. So, I began to rise upwards into the darkness until I reached a place where all I saw was Jesus. He was so large and I was so small. I remember feeling this way. He stared neutrally at me and then frowned and then shooed me away (His approach towards me felt that way. I felt fear.). I went back down to the earth into a room I do not know. I wondered if He was truly Jesus since He looked angry. It is possible that a better description could be that He looked severe. He came back to look down at me. I looked up at Him through what seemed to be a large aperture leading upwards to the sky above, from where I stood on the earth. He was larger than everything. I was surprised He came back. I thought, “He came back”. I was impressed by the gleam and fire in His eyes, and unsure of the reason He was frowning. I don’t remember much of what happened next, if I inched closer, maybe. 

I woke up wondering if I am doing something wrong or done something wrong. And if I’d really seen Jesus. 

He looked like one of the depictions/icons I have seen in Orthodox Christianity or Byzantine Christianity. Even the dimensions of His eyes; one is not the same dimension as the other, similar to how I perceive the Christ Pantocrator. I think His eyes were lighter but my memory of this is vague. What I know for sure is that they had been gleaming, striking and alive. Thinking back now on June 19, 2025, when I am including this update, I think his expression could be said to have been severe (which I had interpreted as a frown).

A day before this, I had my eyes closed and saw a snake slithering on the ground and then suddenly a light skinned strong feet crushed the serpent. It all went black after that and I opened my eyes. I don’t know if I was dreaming or if it was one of those moments where I close my eyes for 1 minute and I see a short clip of something. I have read it is unusual for dreams to occur soon after falling asleep. How do I know those short clips happened after 1 minute of closing my eyes? Well, I don’t have a timer on when it happens but it feels like 1 minute, like I’m sitting in front of the Tabernacle or at the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe and I doze off for a minute and at times but not all the time, I am jolted awake; that’s how it feels like. I also didn’t have much time to stay at the places I mentioned before I had to go off to the pews to join the mass or move on. So, I deduce roughly 1 minute, but it could be 1 – 10 minutes. Again, in university, it even happened while studying and also when walking back to my room to sleep. I was sleepy every time and I saw people I don’t know, in motion or chatting away or both, as if I am watching a video in front of me. One time, I became a part of it but that could have really been a dream or maybe not. Maybe it was just my imagination since I could rewind the action. I read about hyperphantasia because I wanted to understand this, but that does not explain it, since images in my head are of a poor quality when I am awake and I feel a strain in my head when I try hard to remember images. I only get a clear burst of an image for like 1 second before it is faded/hazy, or I am only able to call up an image in fragments, until I have seen parts of the images in my mind, but God helps me and uses it to heal my heart, even if this is the extent I can be present at the scenes during His life on earth.

Anyway, dream or vision or not, it took me a while to really think about what I saw and write it down, but at least it was on the same day. I kept thinking, “What did I see?”

This week, I received good news which I cannot share yet but I give thanks to God for it and I also seem to be better and more confident at driving, according to my mom, although my brother begs to differ, that I lack awareness and I drive weird. Honestly, it did not faze me because I am different and I am starting to embrace it. I struggle with noticing all the road signs because driving is an overwhelming sensory experience for me, and it is my tendency to not take in the wider picture but to focus on one detail. I am getting better at this, the more I am behind the wheel and I am getting used to the motion and the feel of the car. Sometimes, at stop signs, I have caught myself zoned out because I was overwhelmed. It was embarrassing because I was with my instructor. Sometimes, she had to tell me to move. I get better when I am more comfortable with my environment, the car, the person, the movements, the roads or when I am successful or day(s) after I fail, and with repetition; this is even the same when walking and using GPS, just more amplified when driving because I am moving fast. I have gotten lost multiple times while walking and using GPS. It is such a hard and overwhelming feeling to be lost, that in the past, I even dreamt about being lost and being rained on. I woke up on the verge of tears and the feeling carried over for a while, so, I curled up in a fetal position and hugged myself tightly in a bid to force the tears out or chase the feeling away until I calmed down.

I have been praying a lot about driving, pushing myself to keep going and disregarding the feelings which make me not want to drive. I think I have improved from the first time I got behind a car; even from 6 days ago. I know God is with me, taking care of me and I am pleased about the drive yesterday even if my brother is displeased. I am not seeking understanding. I hardly understand it all myself and I am not great at voicing out all that is happening to me. Sometimes, I lack the interoception to do so. As I understand more, I learn how to make accommodations for myself. One in particular is a low spatial awareness, which I only learnt about recently and everything in my life makes sense. I am thankful to God for bringing me this far and for leading me to Conquer Driving on YouTube and some other YouTube videos, who have given me tips which have helped me. I just need to make accommodations when driving, and do well enough to pass the road test and improve some more later. God is with me. God is for me. I give God thanks for His goodness, love and mindfulness to me.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you could listen to!

Bleeding Heart

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary!

Two days ago, I went to the mall with my mom and I saw a penguin and a sea lion for the first time. It was truly beautiful. I was amazed to see God’s creatures and thankful to God for giving me beauty to see, as I had prayed to see just that when I mentioned to Him that I cannot see it, and have not seen any love not broken whether by external or internal forces, if it does exists here, and to change my lenses if I am wrong. I did not plan to see these aquatic creatures. I was only at the mall to explore the clothing stores in the hopes that I might find something modest, something beautiful, something affordable, and only stopped when I saw a group of people gathered on the foot bridge above the body of water, and also behind a see-through barrier, so they could see the penguin. I joined them and waited a while to see the sea lion come out next and do tricks. That’s crazy. Who would have thought that a kid from Lagos, who grew up in a household that struggled, would ever leave Nigeria and travel to various countries, and now, would see this. It is a testament to the goodness of God in my life and my heart swells with gratitude and love for God.

I was surprised that I found some items that fall under the category of “beautiful, modest and affordable”. They were on sale and did not cost more than $20 CAD, and some were not more than $10 CAD. It gave me some hope to be able to find them, but also, I felt a desire to design clothes that would be modest and beautiful, because I had tried on some gowns which I thought were beautiful but happened to be too short. In the past, that would not have mattered to me and I must admit I had to resist the temptation to buy them since they were affordable and beautiful. I literally had to tell myself not to compromise.

As I walked out of the mall, I could not help but see couples all around me. I don’t think I ever noticed this in that much detail in the past. I don’t think I cared. On this day, it felt like it was all in my face; it was amazing how all around me, everyone seemed to have someone. I found it interesting. Later on at night, I learnt that someone close to me was in love. I was happy for this person genuinely and wished the person well, even prayed for the person. I found myself later on feeling a longing in my heart for a healthy relationship and said an honest prayer to God about how I was feeling at that moment. My chest hurt a little later on and perhaps this scabby feeling settled over my entire body. I offered it up to God and considered that the hurt felt familiar. I have had nightmares in the past, which have featured head tightness or just an overall scabby, horrible feeling settling all over me, right before the nightmares happened or in the middle of it or perhaps on waking up. Two nights ago, as I sat up in bed, I felt as though I could tie whatever I was feeling to whatever I had experienced while sleeping. I couldn’t help but wonder if I have been bleeding all along while I was asleep. Perhaps, I bleed more easily when my guard is down while asleep.

A while ago, I considered that I could be suffering but did not know it. Recently, I considered the nightmares to be a suffering. I did not think of it that way in the past. It was just one of those things. Another that I have lately been thinking about is my social awkwardness and my difficulty socializing, even though I would like to be social. It makes living difficult. When I watch The Chosen, I am able to relate so much to Matthew’s personality. When I read about his story in the bible, I am able to recognize a similarity in the voice I heard “Seek me” and the voice that called him “Follow me”, so much so that I cannot help but wonder if the writers really got St. Matthew’s personality right without realizing it.

At some point last year, I had a specific intention to God, for Him to uncover where I am bleeding and to heal and help me. Towards the end of year, while randomly scrolling on YouTube, I found a video titled, “How to spot autism in high masking autistic women” on the page of “@Autismfromtheinside”. I almost scrolled past but then I thought to myself, “what if this is it”. However, I was skeptical, but I decided to watch the video, out of curiosity. The speaker explained that the way of coming to an assessment of this is by looking at the gaps in social skills, sensory sensitivities, inconsistent executive functioning, gaps in knowledge and understanding, information processing needs. As he explained further what these meant, I could find myself relating to his explanation. At the end of video, I thought, “Is there something here?”, so I decided to take a test for autism.

I took the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) assessment and my result showed that I could have autism.

When I read this, I breathed out a sigh of relief because everything in my life, everything about me, started to make sense; I felt like I could finally put a name to it. For a long time when I was much younger, I hardly said anything, mostly observed and spaced out (not really thinking about anything). My primary school teacher had written in my report card that I have trouble paying attention. His language had more flair and I had to use a dictionary to understand it. I did not know I did this until I read it in my report card. He never brought it to my attention. I was worried it would get me in trouble at home, but it didn’t. I think because my grades did not suffer. I still struggle with this but I try to mask it and work extra hard.

My secondary school ran a mentor-mentee program for all students. My mentor told my mom about her concern about me, that I like to keep to myself “a lot”. I did not know about this until last year when my mom mentioned it to me, and my mentor never said a word to me about it. My mom had apparently defended me, in saying that it was just my personality. In truth, I had a difficulty. I was always told that I look “lost”. I did not understand this.

Another thing is, I do not like being touched. I cannot always breathe freely when I am touched without giving permission, and even sometimes when I allow it, I freeze, my internal world pauses and I stare at the point of skin contact until the contact stops. Even yesterday, I drew away initially from reach of a disabled old lady who attempted to touch my arm in gratitude but then inched closer for her to touch me, hoping she did not notice.

These are just some of the things. I have always been hard on myself for not meeting up to what I consider to be the functioning of an adult and there have been times my inner thoughts have “shamed me”. It may have pushed me to be where I am now, I must admit, but it definitely is not good for my mental health and makes life hard to live.

It is strange to think of the possible diagnosis of a disorder, but I cannot help but thank God, because I could be in a worse place, and really, it could only be by His Grace that I am here now, because I see all the ways that I am inadequate.

I have read that the assessment is not intended to be diagnostic, and the author advises that anyone who obtains a high score and is suffering some distress should seek professional medical advice and not jump to any conclusions. At the time, I completed the assessment, I did not think I would get professional advice because it sounded overwhelming. Right now, I think If I get the chance to in the future, I will take advantage of it but it is not a priority to me.

I took a different assessment “CAT-Q” today and it came back the same; above average for the female population on compensation, masking and assimilation.

It is good to know. It reminds me to be gentle with myself and to consider that I might be suffering in ways other people do not necessarily suffer. It also reminds me to rely heavily on God to see me through my walk through this life.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song!