When I was a kid, I would sometimes hear an orchestra playing in my head. The music was so beautiful, and I wished I could play it out, but I didn’t know how to play any instrument other than the recorder, and I wasn’t very good at it. I told a friend on the school bus about it, and she didn’t call me weird. Later, I watched the movie “August Rush,” about a boy who could hear a symphony in his head, and I think I wondered if people might think I was lying if I shared my experience. I also found it interesting that a movie portrayed a kid experiencing this. As I grew older, I stopped hearing the music.
Two nights ago, I had a dream where I sang a song to Jesus, and I woke up with the tune still playing in my head. I recorded it and sang it a few times during the day, and I could hear in my head how the production would sound, even the symphony and blend of voices. It wasn’t until today in church that I realized I had heard music again. I could not help but wonder if perhaps a part of my innocence had been healed. Sometimes, healing comes so subtly that you don’t even realize it has happened until it has.
Recently, I’ve been learning that attraction can be manipulated by the evil one, even if it starts off as something good or somewhere good. I found it difficult to get someone out of my head. You might wonder why it’s a bad thing to think about someone you like. The thing is, I didn’t know this person well, only a general awareness of him and his actions in church, and he smiled at me. I could only see virtues which made him attractive to me, but I didn’t know him well enough to say I liked him; at best, I was curious.
Another reason I found it problematic was that I did not have custody of my mind. My thoughts never wandered to anywhere sinful and never beyond my encounters with him or fantasies of what could be, but still my body was weak and easily excitable. Even my perception of him was altered. He appeared more physically attractive to me. Like he had a glow and my eyes would catch him everywhere my head turned. I prayed to God several times to take it away and to help me have control of my mind. I also went to confession hoping for the grace I have always received to overcome any vice I bring forward to confession. It persisted even after confession. Then, I admitted to Mother Mary that there must be a part of me that wants this even if I did not like it. The bible says, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free and I wanted to be free, so I was careful about admitting my fault with that in mind. I left the church that day feeling exhausted.
During this time, I leaned into praying to the Holy Spirit for self control. I learned to see all men as my brothers and nothing more. This revelation slightly deadened the attraction, and I felt a freedom within me when I decided not to kiss a man until marriage. I believe this is the way it is supposed to be, although, others might argue differently. I have a hard time believing a couple could “always” exchange chaste and pure kisses. I realised as well that humans were made by God for truth and to recognise the truth. The reason we do not always do this is because of sin, and “the man” was blessed with a knowing of this truth at his creation. It is the only way he would have been able to name all animals in the garden of Eden and do it excellently without sinning. So, a man fully aligned with God’s will, will always be able to recognise the truth with God’s help. This isn’t to diminish women, but I wonder about where the saying “woman’s intuition” comes from, and about the manner it is used as though it is a special gift limited to women when “the man” was first blessed in this way by God. I want a man who is lead by God to know the truth because he is in alignment with God’s will, and I do not want love to be awakened in me until it pleases, so to speak. It is one of the reasons I did not trust my feelings. It went against my beliefs and desire.
Anyway, I still didn’t have full control of my mind until I asked God some questions since I could not figure it out. “Do I like him?” “Am I attracted to him?” “Should I be attracted to him?” or something similar. It felt like a fog lifted, and I regained custody of my mind. Later, I asked similar questions to God for good measure. “Do I like him? Am I attracted to him? Should I be attracted to him? If I should not be attracted to him, then please take it away”. However, since the first time I asked the questions to God, I have had control of my mind in that area. So, I was being unnecessary, surely out of a desire for it to be permanent.
I remember feeling weird and perhaps melancholic afterwards that day, and when seated in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe in church, because it felt like I had been on a high only to crash quickly. I was grateful to God for everything I had learnt but I was annoyed that my feelings had been manipulated so, I prayed against the evil one, as I felt so aware of his plans to destroy me. I was also concerned that my feelings were so easily manipulated and wondered if I was really okay. So, I prayed to Jesus about it for His healing. I am thankful to God for His grace. I believe I have been healed.
There were some “God coincidences” during that time, which are really no coincidences at all. I remember a thought came to me during that time, “Be open (Ephphatha)”, and I recalled the bible passage where Jesus healed the deaf and dumb man. I prayed for God’s help to be open to His will and to do His will. Then, I heard the bible passage about the healing of the deaf and dumb man read in church during daily mass. I considered the creation of Adam and Eve, and then it was one of the passages read during daily mass last week. Another was that I remember praying a rough form of “God’s will is my will” at some point during that time, and afterwards, stumbling across an Instagram post about a quote from St. Alphonsus Liguori, that one should accustom oneself to saying in times of trial, “It is the will of God; it is my will also”. Now, I often pray, “God’s will is my will,” and I feel my will bolstered.
I can’t say that I know everything about this series of event. In fact, I have a feeling there is still more to learn that I do not know yet. It is the reason that at first I hesitated to write this post. But, I suppose I will worry only about today and bask in the joy of knowing that I am able to hear the music again and that God is in my midst, a Warrior Who gives victory; Who will rejoice over me with gladness, Who will renew me in His love and Who will exult over me with loud singing as on a day of festival.
On a final note, pray the Rosary!
Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
Note: Co-pilot might have been used to refine this write up.I honestly can’t remember at this time but in recent times, I have found it to be a handy tool for editing.
I have been going through some things which I shan’t go into details about, but I will say this, I have learnt that a stranger will give love more readily than someone you consider close. Better to run to that stranger, than someone you think is close. But a stranger is a stranger for a reason, and I think as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt…hmmm, or is it disrespect. Better yet, run to God Who never fails.
I flinched when someone told me “I love you.”. It is hard to hear those words when you have been beat up emotionally by the person saying them. The words became easier to digest over time, to understand and to love. I cannot take credit for this transformation. Only God can do this.
I also prayed and hoped to God for something I desired. I moved forward courageously, when I had not a lot of courage, and prayed fervently for His peace. I thought I heard Him say to go forward but things did not work out as I had hoped. I wondered if indeed I had heard Him. Maybe not but also maybe I did. I do know looking back at it from a close distance, I can see that I have learnt some things from the experience so far. I have a richer understanding of what it means when God forgives you. It is written that God forgets your sins when you repent, and He forgives you. It all made sense to me amid a chaotic moment that was unrelated in matter to God’s revelation to me, but congruent in weight or depth of expression. The potent revelation I received made me realize in a striking manner which my soul is wont not to forget, that I will not crucify myself for my mistakes and God does not want me to do so either. “As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our sins from us”. “I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.”
Oh, I felt ecstatic and hopeful when things did not go my way, and instead of grief, I thought to myself that this is all for the Glory of God, for my salvation and the salvation of others. Later on, I felt grief, but it did not overtake me like it had in the past. It made me long for the Heavenly Jerusalem just like Abraham and the saints did. I told Him that perhaps I did hear from Him and I will take this event as discipline. God disciplines those He loves, so He must love me so much. God loves me so much, this I know.
Afterwards, I considered the love between a husband and a wife. I have been trying to have a God-like view of what that dynamic is supposed to look like. I remembered the portion of the bible where St. Peter exhorts wives to treat their husbands in the manner Sarah did, when she obeyed Abraham and called him ‘lord’. I was critical of the word “lord”. What did that mean? It sounded reverent but also, I couldn’t help but think about subjugation combined with inflexibility, judgementality, hypocrisy and inconsideration. I know of a traditional, catholic man who was this way. I also know of a middle class protestant Christian who was very considerate to his wife, he treated his wife like an egg. I know of a rich, liberal man who was conservative when it soothed him, so his wife suffered because he did not help whether by contract or by self, and he did not encourage the best for his wife. Finally, I know of a traditional African man from a largely patriarchal society, who did not want His wife to cook, hired help for her and of his own volition, made arrangements for her to get a higher education. That African man would have been made perfect if in other ways, had he practiced the Christian faith, and yet he was quite generous in nature in a lot of ways and God blessed him. It is an irony that the faithless are able to love in ways that the supposed faithful do not.
My mind also wondered if the vision of calling your husband “lord” could be akin to the victorian era where some men were called lords and some women were called ladies. To them, it might have been a surface synergy of Class meets Class on a level of some sort, but to Christians, should it not be a synergy of joint heirs to the grace of life; one heir of the Kingdom of God to another?
To my mind, I have only one Lord. My mind moved on to another bible verse when I considered how my Lord displayed His Lordship, and in turn taught through his actions and words, how the disciples ought to treat one another. It was on the day He washed their feet, a day before they would desert Him, and one would betray Him. Knowing this, He washed their feet. At another time He said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you; but whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave;even as the Son of man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
A lord by this definition is one who is a slave and servant of his wife, and pours himself out completely, without counting the cost, to the point of death. I looked up at the picture of the cross at the moment this came to mind while praying…or perhaps I was looking at it already without registering it. I should have been meditating on the “Crucifixion of Christ” because I was praying the seven sorrows, but my mind had been restless. In any case, the love I am considering is a life-giving love. It is so powerful that I stumbled over my thoughts. A healed woman or a woman open to healing would desire or crave to submit to that man and defend that man wherever she went to. She would sing his praises everywhere and she would be able to trust him.
And so, I asked God, “What man can love like that?” I wondered if it was even possible but then again, I remembered St. Therese of the Child Jesus. I had never gone through any writing of anyone before her, I don’t think, who burned with a desire for martyrdom. No one except Jesus. Although, as I write this now, a few do come to mind. I heard the account of St. Ignatius recently, how he begged the early Christians not to save him from being torn apart by lions. St. Paul as well….oh, and another saint who did evangelical work, but I do not recall his name. All things are possible through God’s grace.
If I am to consider this idea further as I write this, “We love because Christ first loved us.”. The man loves first through dying to himself and calls out a submissive expression of love from the woman. That is not to say that love must always be received for it to be given. On the contrary, I believe there is infinitely more merit in loving when you are not loved. I think one would be better off with a lot of prayer, placing greater scrutiny on the type of dynamic or relationship one chooses to have great proximity to for the rest of their life, and face (focus on) God whether or not they are blessed with this, and if not given, to die with joy and go to God. So, I am in fact considering a healed dynamic or one open to being healed when I write about a submissive expression of love which a man call out of a woman through loving in dying to self. On the other hand, the woman submits even though the man fails, and the man loves sacrificially even when the woman fails. It is easier said than done. That is why one should pray to God if in that situation, that God should help one love. God is always ready and willing to help you love. I know this because He always helped me whenever I asked for help to love….to be patient.
I do not understand the saying that one can love without respecting, perhaps this is why I have difficulty. I subscribe to the bible’s view of love and it is not bound or limited to gender. “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”. Looking at this, I cannot believe respect can be separated from love, so, I do not know how one could prefer to be respected over being loved. I wonder though, if the respect some men claim they want is the stroking of their ego, the fanning of their pride. This is what I have observed from a small sample size. But then again, I am not married and some might think me bitter because of it. Ultimately, what do I know except what I have observed, and what is the point I am trying to make by writing all of this?
I suppose the point of this is to share my thoughts, so that in doing so, someone out there does not feel alone in this vastness that is the universe; the point of my blog really, lest I forget.
On a final note, pray the Rosary!
Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
It’s been a while since I published a post on my blog. I have been resting. I noticed myself getting extremely fatigued much more frequently, crying a lot more, and so I had to withdraw inwards and become even a lot more quiet, so as to be able to focus on the “need to do(s)”. I am feeling a lot better now and also learning to take deep breaths when I feel overwhelmed and allow stimming. I find deep pressure, such as hugging myself tightly, to be very calming but I can’t do it everywhere as it can be seen as standoffish but I don’t think about any of that when I am in church. I give thanks to God for strength.
I had a dream maybe 4 or 5 days ago. I wrote it down today and felt a desire today to share it while praying this morning. So, that’s what I’m doing now. It is a memory stitched back together, so take the meaning behind the general story without a focus on the details, that is, if there is a meaning to you. Only God knows.
It so happened that in this dream, I walked into one of the rooms in the ground floor of my family home in Nigeria which used to be storage for a long time, and there was a black cat there which I perceived was a curse, so I just thought something along the lines of, “I’m over this scene and I’m going to God”. So, I began to rise upwards into the darkness until I reached a place where all I saw was Jesus. He was so large and I was so small. I remember feeling this way. He stared neutrally at me and then frowned and then shooed me away (His approach towards me felt that way. I felt fear.). I went back down to the earth into a room I do not know. I wondered if He was truly Jesus since He looked angry. It is possible that a better description could be that He looked severe. He came back to look down at me. I looked up at Him through what seemed to be a large aperture leading upwards to the sky above, from where I stood on the earth. He was larger than everything. I was surprised He came back. I thought, “He came back”. I was impressed by the gleam and fire in His eyes, and unsure of the reason He was frowning. I don’t remember much of what happened next, if I inched closer, maybe.
I woke up wondering if I am doing something wrong or done something wrong. And if I’d really seen Jesus.
He looked like one of the depictions/icons I have seen in Orthodox Christianity or Byzantine Christianity. Even the dimensions of His eyes; one is not the same dimension as the other, similar to how I perceive the Christ Pantocrator. I think His eyes were lighter but my memory of this is vague. What I know for sure is that they had been gleaming, striking and alive. Thinking back now on June 19, 2025, when I am including this update, I think his expression could be said to have been severe (which I had interpreted as a frown).
A day before this, I had my eyes closed and saw a snake slithering on the ground and then suddenly a light skinned strong feet crushed the serpent. It all went black after that and I opened my eyes. I don’t know if I was dreaming or if it was one of those moments where I close my eyes for 1 minute and I see a short clip of something. I have read it is unusual for dreams to occur soon after falling asleep. How do I know those short clips happened after 1 minute of closing my eyes? Well, I don’t have a timer on when it happens but it feels like 1 minute, like I’m sitting in front of the Tabernacle or at the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe and I doze off for a minute and at times but not all the time, I am jolted awake; that’s how it feels like. I also didn’t have much time to stay at the places I mentioned before I had to go off to the pews to join the mass or move on. So, I deduce roughly 1 minute, but it could be 1 – 10 minutes. Again, in university, it even happened while studying and also when walking back to my room to sleep. I was sleepy every time and I saw people I don’t know, in motion or chatting away or both, as if I am watching a video in front of me. One time, I became a part of it but that could have really been a dream or maybe not. Maybe it was just my imagination since I could rewind the action. I read about hyperphantasia because I wanted to understand this, but that does not explain it, since images in my head are of a poor quality when I am awake and I feel a strain in my head when I try hard to remember images. I only get a clear burst of an image for like 1 second before it is faded/hazy, or I am only able to call up an image in fragments, until I have seen parts of the images in my mind, but God helps me and uses it to heal my heart, even if this is the extent I can be present at the scenes during His life on earth.
Anyway, dream or vision or not, it took me a while to really think about what I saw and write it down, but at least it was on the same day. I kept thinking, “What did I see?”
This week, I received good news which I cannot share yet but I give thanks to God for it and I also seem to be better and more confident at driving, according to my mom, although my brother begs to differ, that I lack awareness and I drive weird. Honestly, it did not faze me because I am different and I am starting to embrace it. I struggle with noticing all the road signs because driving is an overwhelming sensory experience for me, and it is my tendency to not take in the wider picture but to focus on one detail. I am getting better at this, the more I am behind the wheel and I am getting used to the motion and the feel of the car. Sometimes, at stop signs, I have caught myself zoned out because I was overwhelmed. It was embarrassing because I was with my instructor. Sometimes, she had to tell me to move. I get better when I am more comfortable with my environment, the car, the person, the movements, the roads or when I am successful or day(s) after I fail, and with repetition; this is even the same when walking and using GPS, just more amplified when driving because I am moving fast. I have gotten lost multiple times while walking and using GPS. It is such a hard and overwhelming feeling to be lost, that in the past, I even dreamt about being lost and being rained on. I woke up on the verge of tears and the feeling carried over for a while, so, I curled up in a fetal position and hugged myself tightly in a bid to force the tears out or chase the feeling away until I calmed down.
I have been praying a lot about driving, pushing myself to keep going and disregarding the feelings which make me not want to drive. I think I have improved from the first time I got behind a car; even from 6 days ago. I know God is with me, taking care of me and I am pleased about the drive yesterday even if my brother is displeased. I am not seeking understanding. I hardly understand it all myself and I am not great at voicing out all that is happening to me. Sometimes, I lack the interoception to do so. As I understand more, I learn how to make accommodations for myself. One in particular is a low spatial awareness, which I only learnt about recently and everything in my life makes sense. I am thankful to God for bringing me this far and for leading me to Conquer Driving on YouTube and some other YouTube videos, who have given me tips which have helped me. I just need to make accommodations when driving, and do well enough to pass the road test and improve some more later. God is with me. God is for me. I give God thanks for His goodness, love and mindfulness to me.
On a final note, pray the Rosary!
Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
Two days ago, I went to the mall with my mom and I saw a penguin and a sea lion for the first time. It was truly beautiful. I was amazed to see God’s creatures and thankful to God for giving me beauty to see, as I had prayed to see just that when I mentioned to Him that I cannot see it, and have not seen any love not broken whether by external or internal forces, if it does exists here, and to change my lenses if I am wrong. I did not plan to see these aquatic creatures. I was only at the mall to explore the clothing stores in the hopes that I might find something modest, something beautiful, something affordable, and only stopped when I saw a group of people gathered on the foot bridge above the body of water, and also behind a see-through barrier, so they could see the penguin. I joined them and waited a while to see the sea lion come out next and do tricks. That’s crazy. Who would have thought that a kid from Lagos, who grew up in a household that struggled, would ever leave Nigeria and travel to various countries, and now, would see this. It is a testament to the goodness of God in my life and my heart swells with gratitude and love for God.
I was surprised that I found some items that fall under the category of “beautiful, modest and affordable”. They were on sale and did not cost more than $20 CAD, and some were not more than $10 CAD. It gave me some hope to be able to find them, but also, I felt a desire to design clothes that would be modest and beautiful, because I had tried on some gowns which I thought were beautiful but happened to be too short. In the past, that would not have mattered to me and I must admit I had to resist the temptation to buy them since they were affordable and beautiful. I literally had to tell myself not to compromise.
As I walked out of the mall, I could not help but see couples all around me. I don’t think I ever noticed this in that much detail in the past. I don’t think I cared. On this day, it felt like it was all in my face; it was amazing how all around me, everyone seemed to have someone. I found it interesting. Later on at night, I learnt that someone close to me was in love. I was happy for this person genuinely and wished the person well, even prayed for the person. I found myself later on feeling a longing in my heart for a healthy relationship and said an honest prayer to God about how I was feeling at that moment. My chest hurt a little later on and perhaps this scabby feeling settled over my entire body. I offered it up to God and considered that the hurt felt familiar. I have had nightmares in the past, which have featured head tightness or just an overall scabby, horrible feeling settling all over me, right before the nightmares happened or in the middle of it or perhaps on waking up. Two nights ago, as I sat up in bed, I felt as though I could tie whatever I was feeling to whatever I had experienced while sleeping. I couldn’t help but wonder if I have been bleeding all along while I was asleep. Perhaps, I bleed more easily when my guard is down while asleep.
A while ago, I considered that I could be suffering but did not know it. Recently, I considered the nightmares to be a suffering. I did not think of it that way in the past. It was just one of those things. Another that I have lately been thinking about is my social awkwardness and my difficulty socializing, even though I would like to be social. It makes living difficult. When I watch The Chosen, I am able to relate so much to Matthew’s personality. When I read about his story in the bible, I am able to recognize a similarity in the voice I heard “Seek me” and the voice that called him “Follow me”, so much so that I cannot help but wonder if the writers really got St. Matthew’s personality right without realizing it.
At some point last year, I had a specific intention to God, for Him to uncover where I am bleeding and to heal and help me. Towards the end of year, while randomly scrolling on YouTube, I found a video titled, “How to spot autism in high masking autistic women” on the page of “@Autismfromtheinside”. I almost scrolled past but then I thought to myself, “what if this is it”. However, I was skeptical, but I decided to watch the video, out of curiosity. The speaker explained that the way of coming to an assessment of this is by looking at the gaps in social skills, sensory sensitivities, inconsistent executive functioning, gaps in knowledge and understanding, information processing needs. As he explained further what these meant, I could find myself relating to his explanation. At the end of video, I thought, “Is there something here?”, so I decided to take a test for autism.
I took the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) assessment and my result showed that I could have autism.
When I read this, I breathed out a sigh of relief because everything in my life, everything about me, started to make sense; I felt like I could finally put a name to it. For a long time when I was much younger, I hardly said anything, mostly observed and spaced out (not really thinking about anything). My primary school teacher had written in my report card that I have trouble paying attention. His language had more flair and I had to use a dictionary to understand it. I did not know I did this until I read it in my report card. He never brought it to my attention. I was worried it would get me in trouble at home, but it didn’t. I think because my grades did not suffer. I still struggle with this but I try to mask it and work extra hard.
My secondary school ran a mentor-mentee program for all students. My mentor told my mom about her concern about me, that I like to keep to myself “a lot”. I did not know about this until last year when my mom mentioned it to me, and my mentor never said a word to me about it. My mom had apparently defended me, in saying that it was just my personality. In truth, I had a difficulty. I was always told that I look “lost”. I did not understand this.
Another thing is, I do not like being touched. I cannot always breathe freely when I am touched without giving permission, and even sometimes when I allow it, I freeze, my internal world pauses and I stare at the point of skin contact until the contact stops. Even yesterday, I drew away initially from reach of a disabled old lady who attempted to touch my arm in gratitude but then inched closer for her to touch me, hoping she did not notice.
These are just some of the things. I have always been hard on myself for not meeting up to what I consider to be the functioning of an adult and there have been times my inner thoughts have “shamed me”. It may have pushed me to be where I am now, I must admit, but it definitely is not good for my mental health and makes life hard to live.
It is strange to think of the possible diagnosis of a disorder, but I cannot help but thank God, because I could be in a worse place, and really, it could only be by His Grace that I am here now, because I see all the ways that I am inadequate.
I have read that the assessment is not intended to be diagnostic, and the author advises that anyone who obtains a high score and is suffering some distress should seek professional medical advice and not jump to any conclusions. At the time, I completed the assessment, I did not think I would get professional advice because it sounded overwhelming. Right now, I think If I get the chance to in the future, I will take advantage of it but it is not a priority to me.
I took a different assessment “CAT-Q” today and it came back the same; above average for the female population on compensation, masking and assimilation.
It is good to know. It reminds me to be gentle with myself and to consider that I might be suffering in ways other people do not necessarily suffer. It also reminds me to rely heavily on God to see me through my walk through this life.
On a final note, pray the Rosary!
Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
I started off before I began to write this, to pray to God for His help with writing this post on Hope. I told Him that I don’t really know if I am the best to write about “Hope” and I do not know much what to say about it, but I had kind of decided earlier, I believe during morning prayer, that it would be the topic of writing for my next post. My thought in prayer was a conversation I had with a colleague of mine yesterday.
I have been making job applications for close to a year now if not more, since the one I have now is temporary. I have had 3 initial interviews which have not proceeded to the next. The last one, I seemed to have offended the lady by telling her “Thank you for reaching out to me.” Her displeasure was so evident on her face and her body language. She practically reclined back in her chair in that moment with a displeased expression on her face, that I did not understand what I did to offend her, so, I had to explain my reason for saying thank you, by adding, “I appreciate it.” The giveaway was her eagerness to tell me her concern about a lack of experience in a particular therapeutic area, when I had asked her something different, i.e., if there was something she needed clarity on from what I had shared with her. My lack of experience in dermatology was clearly stated in my application, since it is one of their intake questions. Her reaction after my “Thank you” was another giveaway. My consideration from the experience was I was glad I did not lie about my experience. I feel like she tried to trip my up, when she stated an experience which I did not have and I don’t believe I claimed to have it anywhere. This could be an assumption, but her smile/mini-laugh when I denied having the experience was strange to me. My joy is that I refuted it and put away my desperation or desire for a job. I suppose I also considered afterwards that I should have taken the word I believe now was from God, telling me to rest, while I prepared late into the night for the interview. How many times have I not listened to that voice because while I considered it might be from God, I wondered if it came from me?
This and the other rejections I have received, including the other 2 pre-interviews, have not hurt me so much. I have been thankful to God so much that it does not hurt anymore. My hunger is for God to show me what exactly He would like me to do. And I have begun to wonder if that is clinical research, since I have started to have some concerns about a certain part of clinical research, in relation to my faith, and I am starting to wonder if I am complicit in evil. I spoke to a priest about it and he assured me that I am not, although after leaving him, I wondered if I was clear enough to him about the extent of my involvement. I am unclear on that point in my memory. Although, recently, I remembered that it is possible that I did mention it to him. I have to book another appointment to clarify this again. I feel silly when these things happen but what am I to do about it? He did say I could leave the field of clinical research if I continue to be bothered about it, and encouraged me to pray to God for discernment. I think a part of me knows I am not doing anything wrong but for clarity sake, I must ask. I also have to think if I am indeed proud of the work that I am involved in.
So, these are the things I have been thinking about, first and foremost and not necessarily the rejections. I have praying for direction into the job or vocation that God is calling me into. I do not know what it is or could be.
My conversation with my colleague yesterday was a topic on the Job opening at my workplace which I applied for which is a project manager role in clinical research (Although I am applying broadly to any project management role and praying God places me in the one He feels is best). My colleague feels I am so qualified, with my PMP certification and experience in project management that I had to tell her that I try not to raise my hopes too high. She mentioned that I must have some hope if I am applying. So, I explained in my brief way of speaking that “I do not hope in myself. I hope in God.” She stared at me in consideration. I tried to convey to her that if my skills were ultimate, I would have a job now. I don’t know if my explanation carried as far as I wished to convey it, since in person, I use so few words. One thing I know is, God is ultimate and greater than anything and I wish to please Him, as best as I can. I am not saying I am perfect. I make so many mistakes and sometimes, I do not know if I am doing the right thing. Other times, what seemed right, ends up looking wrong to me and bringing me grief that I think I would prefer my free will taken away by God but what do I know.
I know that God is more than able to give me more and better than I can ever imagine. If He chooses not to give me in this life, I look forward to the feast and treasure that awaits me in Heaven. I only ask for the grace to move on to all that He desires for me.
On a final note, Pray the Rosary!
Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
A peaceful chant you might enjoy! Listen to find out!
This is imperfect and very rough, but I wrote down my reflections while praying the Seven Sorrows of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and I thought I would refine it a bit and put it here just in case anyone needs help meditating on the seven sorrows (It appears that I will continue refining this post).
Mary heard from Simeon that her Child is destined to bring about the rise and fall of many, that He will be a sign which men will refuse to acknowledge, and also, so the thoughts of many hearts would be made manifest, a sword shall pierce her soul also.
I recognize a grief three-fold….no, six-fold. She must have felt grief/stricken to hear about the downfall of men (her heart must have sunk). As well, the thought that her child was to bring about the rise and fall of men; that must have been perplexing/troubling. Her heart must have sorrowed deeply to imagine that her baby would face such profound rejection. As she considered the state of man (the deep brokenness and sinful nature), which would be revealed through her grief, did she feel alone and sorrow when she encountered its depths in her pondering? She must have been moved in heart with perfect charity for the brokenness of the human race and yet bore within herself a deep sadness for God. Did she sorrow for her son, Who would suffer and whose heart would be pierced through along with hers?
Oh, it is actually a seven-fold sorrow: her soul/heart still gets pierced when people reject her Son, Jesus, and their nature is revealed. I read/listened (audiobook) to The Dialogue of St. Catherine of Sienna, that this sorrow in heaven for God is without pain, I think. A powerful book that I recommend.
Apart from her grief or should I say “their grief”, Mary and Joseph were obedient to the law of God. They did not say, “oh, we have the messiah now, let us drop all customs and traditions passed down from the time of Moses, it does not apply to us.”. They were humble and had the fear of God, even being the Mother of God and the Foster Father of the King of the universe. There was a wait for Jesus to establish His Church and His new covenant, and the traditions and customs have been passed down and upheld by the Catholic Church from that time onwards.
I had a thought that when Mary gave birth to Jesus, she not only gave birth to her Baby, her bundle of Joy, she gave birth to The Fullness of Joy. So, at the prophecy of Simeon, her grief was complete desolation, at the thought of the loss of her Fullness of Joy.
I had another thought that Mary must have longed for Jesus all her life because she was made to carry Him in her womb. That longing must have been great and perfect because of how great her love is. She must have had a fullness of joy when the Angel announced she would bear Jesus and when she did give birth to Him and took care of Him. To hear about losing Him after all this; her grief must have been through the roof. Still, she was fully submitted to the message from God that The Child He had given her, her fullness of joy would suffer so much and die. She trusted so much in the goodness of God despite this, to give herself completely to Him, despite the apparent horror of the pain which was to come. Mary is not an ordinary woman. She did not even flinch back and away from God. She pressed forward towards God to give herself completely to Him, Who is all good. I know that she is exactly who I want to be like. “Mother of perpetual help, please make me like you. Amen.”
Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us.
Most Sorrowful and Immaculate heart of Mary, pray for us.
Saint Joseph, pray for us.
2. The Flight into Egypt (Matthew 2:13-21)
Joseph received a message from an Angel in a dream that he should take Mary and Jesus and depart for Egypt until he is told it is safe to return, for Herod wanted to kill his Child, Jesus.
I recognize the deep trust Joseph had in believing the words of an Angel, although it came to him in a dream, and for leaving with his family that night without questioning it. I see a submission to Joseph on the part of Mary in going along with it without arguing. It must also have been hard on Mary, to uproot her life and make a journey to Egypt on such short notice, in the middle of the night, no less, on treacherous and hard roads. Yet, she got up, ever eager and ready to do the will of God and to be submissive to her husband, Joseph. They were very detached from material possessions and their community, not restricting or limiting in any way their love for their people. They were in the world but not of the world. I imagine they packed little for this journey. I also imagine their anxiety must have shot up too, to think their precious baby Jesus in danger, and they must have felt a profound desire to protect Him fiercely. They trusted God and submitted their lives to God’s hands to set out on this journey. “If He has told us to take this journey, then He would surely protect and provide for us.” Faith. Hope. Love.
Mother, please help me to be detached from material possessions and worldly status for it is the world I have always known and longed for, you who knows how to be content with all that God gives you and ask for nothing more.
Mary must have felt deep worry at the thought of her baby in danger. Did she give Jesus a kiss on the cheek out of love and out of comfort, as she held Him in her arms, and her worry rose up? Jesus allowed Himself to go through this discomfort. Was He woken up by this or did He sleep all through the journey? She must have worried all throughout the journey and even while they lived in Egypt until Herod passed away. Imagine how grieved she felt when she heard news after they had left that Herod had killed the babies in Israel who were 2 years and under. And her grief was for the babies, for Herod, for Israel, for herself, for her family, and for God. Is there something else I am missing?
3. The Loss of Jesus for Three Days (Luke 2:41-50)
“Now His parents went to Jerusalem every year at the feast of the Passover. And when He was twelve years old, they went up according to custom; and when the feast was ended, as they were returning, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. His parents did not know it, but supposing Him to be in the company they went a day’s journey, and they sought Him among their kinsfolk and acquaintances; and when they did not find Him, they returned to Jerusalem, seeking Him”
The Holy Family were very communal. They trusted their kinfolk enough to leave Jesus in their company for a day without worrying about Him. “It takes a village”, comes to mind. I imagine it was a loving extended family and burden was shared between one another.
Mary and Joseph must have felt disbelief at first that He was missing before disbelief gave way to tremendous worry. They must have been unable to sleep when they thought Jesus had been missing for a day and they were only just finding out after 1 day. Maybe Mary cried too. I only say this because I cry when I am distraught but maybe she is different. Joseph must have tried to be strong for his family. Their worry must have mingled with their sorrow at the thought that something terrible had happened to their son, a son they had protected at the time of His infancy by taking a hard journey into Egypt, only to have lost Him now that He was 12 years old. Also, considering that His life had once been in danger from Herod, they may have supposed the worst had happened. One feels doubly sorrowful when a negative human experience which brings about fear and grief repeats itself. I believe this was the case for them and their grief must have been one of a compounded nature when they considered Him missing or hurt somewhere or worse. They must have felt they failed in their mission from God to take care of Him, while they searched for him. Mary must have worried about how or what He would eat or drink, as a mother would. They must have looked everywhere and asked everyone, trying to describe him to anyone they stopped. “He’s about this tall…he was wearing this outfit…” I also think that in their grief they were consoled by God.
I think it must have taken a day’s journey to return back to Jerusalem, and another day to find him, to make that a total of 3 days. They found Him in the temple listening to the teachers and questioning them. I wonder if they heard about a little wise and charismatic boy preaching in the temple with authority and thought, “Jesus”. When He was found and questioned by Mary and Joseph about His actions, He reminded them of the reality of Who He is and His mission.
“And when they saw Him they were astonished; and His mother said to him, “Son, why have You treated us so? Behold, Your father and I have been looking for You anxiously.” And He said to them, “How is it that you sought Me? Did you not know that I must be in My Father’s house?” And they did not understand the saying which He spoke to them. And He went down with them and came to Nazareth, and was obedient to them; and His mother kept all these things in her heart.”
I wonder what Mary thought about. Did she keep it in her heart to never forget what was to come? Did she keep it in her heart because she delighted in the works of God? Did she wonder how she was going to help Him accomplish His mission. Was it everything?
We often can get carried away with mundane things and forget what our mission is, that is, to do the good works which God has prepared beforehand; to walk in it, and we need a jolt sometimes to remember. Could this have been something similar? In any case, their joy must have been great to have found him. Jesus can always be found in His Father’s house. If you seek God, you will find Him, and your joy will be full.
New entry (12Oct2025): I have come to think recently that perhaps Mary and Joseph were not surprised. I wondered why Mary was surprised, if Jesus said “Did you not know that I must be in My Father’s House?”. It appeared to me now that Jesus knew she knew, so I wondered why she was anxiously searching. It occurred to me as I prayed the 5th Joyful mystery that she knew and that is why she was anxiously searching. She held a deep knowledge and understanding of what His actions meant for Him. It meant His ministry would become very visible and kick off a countdown to the commencement of His Passion. So, I also wondered, “then why did the bible say they were astonished?”. I looked into the etymology of the word “astonished” and found it didn’t always mean surprised. In 1590s, it meant a “state of being amazed or shocked with wonder;” and earlier, in the 1570s, it meant “paralysis”. (From Etymology of the Word: Astonishment). So, in light of understanding better, I am able to glean from there that they were paralysed or struck with an overwhelm of anxiousness because of the full bible verse: “And when they saw Him they were astonished; and His mother said to him, “Son, why have You treated us so? Behold, Your father and I have been looking for You anxiously.”. They were overwhelmingly worried about Him, even having knowledge of where He would be, because they had knowledge of something greater. So, they felt the pain/anguish of loss before it was fully realised. This is what I think now, not that they forgot.
Jesus had great zeal for God and would begin His ministry as soon as possible, as it is written “Zeal for Your House has consumed Me”; but Jesus was obedient to the law out of love for God even though He is above the law. So, He went home with His parents and was obedient to them.
New entry (12Oct2025): How else does one explain this verse other than He was consumed with Love for His Father and His Father’s Will for Him to suffer and die, and He wished for it to be accomplished in earnest: “I came to cast fire upon the earth; and would that it were already kindled! I have a baptism to be baptized with; and how I am constrained until it is accomplished!”
Since He loves so greatly and perfectly, in being obedient, He sacrificed greatly and perfectly while He waited. Love is obedience. Love is sacrifice. Love is humility. Love is meek. Love is patient.
I had a thought that when He was thought to be missing, Mary’s Joy was missing too until she found Him. Mary serves as an arrow which points to Joy only to be found when we seek Jesus and find Jesus. Through her, we are able to experience the Fullness of Joy of finding Jesus. She points us to Jesus.
4. The Carrying of the Cross (John 19:17)
“So they took Jesus, and he went out, bearing his own cross, to the place called the place of a skull, which is called in Hebrew Gol′gotha.”
Consider the great pain Jesus felt from the thorns piercing/digging into His head after the wounds He had received from His scourging, so that thinking and moving must have been terribly difficult. I can consider this to a mild degree when I remember how it hurt so badly when I had a sore throat from Covid, that I could not even think properly enough to close my mouth, such that saliva fell to the ground. How much more was the magnitude of Jesus’ pain?
The brutality of His executioners was so peak that they had subjected Him to a scourging with all sorts of sinister weapons, clawing His flesh and placing Him in a pool of His Blood, a crowning with sharp thorns, reviling and beating, before throwing on His shoulders a heavy wooden cross to carry, the instrument of His execution, to the place of His execution. Think what this torture did to His mind and body to go through all this mental, physical and emotional suffering. The pain He felt was not only because of the injustice of suffering when He spoke the Truth, or only because He is Holy and Perfect but additionally, because He is God and we are the work of His hands rebelling against Him, Who has created us and given us life and meaning. How can one understand the pain and sadness He felt not only on His Body, but in His heart, with which He has loved us so much?
At any point, He could have thrown the cross away or lost his temper or lashed out and destroyed all of humanity, but instead with perfect love and patience, even in His state, His feet and His heart moved forward to the place of a skull. Ordinarily, a human should not have been able to hold it together or even take a step, considering the extreme pain, but for the indwelling of the Holy Spirit Who propelled Him. His heart swelled with greater love as He made this journey.
“Lord Jesus, imbue in me Your patience and Your Love for mankind, so that I may ever love people as You Love and in turn, love You Who are Holy and Perfect and deserving of all my love. Amen.”
I read that the greatest wound that Jesus bore that is not spoken about much is the wound on His shoulder from the cross digging into His skin. Under the weight of the cross, His pain and struggle caused Him to trip too quickly, and lose his footing 3 times. Each time, the cross slammed onto His back, as His face hit the ground. The thorns dug even further into His head. His writhing body in pain was a source of anger and disgust to His executioners, who hit Him further with whips and their feet, in a bid to get Him to His feet. Their eyes looked but without seeing The Man. Their hearts cold, cruel and unmoved at the sight of His suffering. He did not lose His temper but rose up, carrying His cross, with great strength, perfect love and patience that is impossible without the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, and His eyes locked with His mother’s.
Did he feel alone until that moment? “Mom” I think He could have echoed in His mind.
Could there have been comfort in sorrow, when the eyes of Mary and Jesus met, on the way to Calvary, despite the deep sorrow that pierced Mary’s heart and the pain that ravaged her body and soul? Did the noise of the crowd drown out as she tried to be strong for Him. She had known this moment was to come and now here, she has walked with Him, with anguish filling her heart as she watched him take painful steps forward. She looked on with a tenderness, sorrow and strength. How she wished to take His place as she took in His bruised and blood soaked face and body; His pain registered in His eyes and face as He gazed at her, which broke her heart even further. And she would have rushed over to Him too, if she had not been prevented. I say she would have gone immediately, because that was her reaction to the news of her cousin Elizabeth being pregnant and also at the feast at Cana. She has a heart which goes in love to those needing helping and her love is not just words but actions. Her heart remembered the words of Simeon and she was full of consternation to see the affliction that had come to her Son.
The prophecy of Simeon, the danger when He was an infant and His loss when He was 12 years were all but preparatory for this moment, to a heart tinged with sorrow throughout the raising of her Son, and yet nothing could really prepare Her to see it come to be. And how the pain ripped through her heart in her grief as she accompanied Him on His way to Calvary. She wanted so much to comfort Him.
His grief must have doubled when He took in her sorrow for Him. Both ever committed to submitting to the Will of the Father, brimming with ardent love for God and perfect charity for all mankind, knowing that it had to be.
Our comfort in sorrow, pray for us.
Then, there was Simon of Cyrene, an unwilling participant, who was commanded by the soldiers to help Jesus carry His Cross, because they feared that He would die before He reached the place of His execution, and they did not want that. They wanted to inflict maximum pain and ridicule.
This unwilling participant was converted in his encounter with Jesus Christ and became a saint through the mercy and love of God.
The call of all christians is to help to carry the cross of Christ, His suffering in His Body, so that we, through the love and mercy of God, become like God.
5. The Crucifixion of Jesus (John 19:18-30)
I like the note from St. JoseMaria Escriva that Mary comforted Jesus with her presence. For it is through the strength of the presence of the one who loves perfectly that we are perfectly comforted.
“There they crucified Him, and with Him two others, one on either side, and Jesus between them.”
This is a thought, as with the rest of these reflections, but I imagine at the point where the nails were being driven through the hands and feet of our Lord Jesus, He let out a cry of pain, and in His heart called out for His Father, “Father, Father, Father.”
My Lord Jesus was very on mission to the very end, wanting to fulfil every prophecy out of Perfect Love for God and for us, even though He could have chosen to conserve His energy. “My God My God, why have You forsaken Me” “I thirst” etc. How I long to have such love and how I fall short every time. “O Lord Jesus, please help me to be loud about my love for people even if I do not hate them or respect their choices. Please break me out of my silence and reservedness around them so that I may radiate Your Love so clearly to them, not just internally. Amen.”
The prophecy of Simeon continues to play out, as the depth of the brokenness of mankind is naked to the eyes of some onlookers and to some of us, “He saved others; He cannot save Himself. He is the King of Israel; let Him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in Him.” “He trusts in God; let God deliver Him now, if he desires Him; for He said, ‘I am the Son of God.’” And the robbers who were crucified with Him also reviled Him in the same way.
In the midst of this, we see Jesus turn towards The Father to intercede for us, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they are doing.” and as well, His redemptive work through His sacrifice was in action. We see this clearly when the thief repents of his mocking, and turns to Jesus saying, “Remember me when You go into Your Kingdom”. The rise and the fall, just as Simeon had prophesied and in perfect order, Mary’s heart was lanced through, as she comforted her Son with the strength of her silent presence, thoroughly united to His pain and His suffering, in perfect charity. Did Mary pray for all sinners at the foot of the cross and offer up Christ’s passion to God?
“Lord Jesus, please remember me in Your Kingdom. Amen.”
How blessed we are, that even on the cross, our Saviour thought of us in giving us Mary, our comfort in sorrows, to be our Mother. “Behold your mother”
“Thank You, Jesus for giving me Mary to be my mother.”
How she comforts us her children, even in her silence, united with us in perfect charity, when we grieve. “Please comfort me mom because you love me.”
6. Jesus Taken Down from the Cross (John 19:39-40)
“But when they came to Jesus and saw that He was already dead, they did not break His legs. But one of the soldiers pierced His side with a spear, and at once there came out Blood and Water.”
To confirm that Jesus is dead, the centurion pierces Jesus’ side and Blood and Water gushes out upon him and on the whole world. In that moment, the Centurion was saved when he uttered, “Truly this was the Son of God!”
“Truly, Lord Jesus, You are the Son of God!”
He was saved by the Most Precious Blood and Water which gushed out of the side of Jesus. “I saw Water flowing from the right side of the Temple. Alleluia. It brought God’s life and salvation, and the people sing with songs of Praise…Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia. I saw Water flowing from the right side of the Son of God, Alleluia…”
O Blood and Water which gushed out from the heart of Jesus as a fountain of mercy for us, I trust in You! x3
Consider Mary seeing this, her heart transfixed and sorrowing as she watched His skin pierced. Her heart suffered further to see His body injured even after death; she gulped in a deep breath, and her body trembled as she looked on.
His brutal suffering and death had not been enough for mankind and as though He had not given enough, they had to take more. She, with perfect charity, said “Yes” to it knowing that God so willed it to be.
How many times have I asked for more when I have been given so much love and fail to return such love to my neighbours.
Also, consider Jesus Who allowed for His skin to be pierced even after suffering such a tortured death.
“This is just how deep My love is for you, that even after my body had been bruised and beaten, nailed and bleeding, reviled and exposed, writhing and heart broken, hanging dead on a cross, I would allow my heart to be broken open for you and I would pour myself out upon you so that you will be healed by My love, if you would trust it. Yet still, I would do even more.”
Jesus I trust in You! x3
“After this Joseph of Arimathe′a, who was a disciple of Jesus, but secretly, for fear of the Jews, asked Pilate that he might take away the body of Jesus, and Pilate gave him leave. So he came and took away His body.”
Think what courage it took Joseph to ask for the body of Jesus. Yet, the love of God ought to propel us forward to complete inestimable feats. How I long to love God with a love so perfect and yet how I fall short so many times. “Lord Jesus please give me the fervour of the saints who went forward regardless of the consequence to bring You to people, so that their ignorance may be broken and their souls may be liberated from the captivity of the evil one, and they may be well and do good as it pleases You. Amen.”
Here His mother, Mary, takes His lifeless body in her arms. Her grief surges upwards, as she considers His lifeless body which had been strong and full of life a day before. Her son whom she had carried for nine months in her womb, nursed at her bosom, protected from the beasts of humanity who sought His life, when only a baby/infant. She had watched Him laugh, play and grow up strong and full of life and He had brought so much joy and fulfilment to her life. His body, she had hugged so many times when He was alive but now she hugs His lifeless body to hers in silent sorrow. Jesus abandoned Himself to the care of His mother and His elect. He abandoned Himself to the care of God. He allowed death to crush Him. He allowed Himself to be in the position of defeat. He allowed Himself to take on a humbling state, lifeless and without bodily function; His body able to move in unseemly directions due to a lack of control. A state of total abandon. He loves with total abandon; child-like love.
I cannot imagine the grief of a mother losing her child; I, who has so much attachment to trivial things that I pause and wince before cutting them off, talk less of losing a whole human who has been loved with a love so perfect. I am reminded of my imperfect love. “Please heal my heart mom.”
However, I have seen from the eyes and voice of my mother that it is an unimaginable grief. I can say though that I have known grief that I almost lost my mind, when I thought my sister was dead. Was her grief similar but tempered and perfect?
“Lord Jesus please help me to love You more than created things. Amen.” “Mother, please unite my heart to your grief and the suffering of your Son, so that my heart will be able to see Him and You in your glorified states. Amen.”.
7. Jesus Laid in the Tomb (John 19:39-42)
“Nicode′mus also, who had at first come to Him by night, came bringing a mixture of myrrh and aloes, about a hundred pounds’ weight…Now in the place where He was crucified there was a garden, and in the garden a new tomb where no one had ever been laid.”
The body of Jesus was wrapped in a linen shroud and spices, and Mary helped out too, taking great care. My Lord Jesus relied on the generosity of Joseph of Arimathe′a, for His resting place. We all have our part to play in God’s redemptive work and he did his.
They laid Jesus in a tomb which had never been used before; His burial place in a garden given out of love. Mary must have taken one final glance back at Him before departing. Her heart was buried with her son’s in that garden, and being that her heart is one that loves perfectly, she must have considered, much like the faith of Abraham, that surely God is able to raise Him up. Her silent hope rested on Jesus’ words, that He lays His life down to take it up again. “Lord Jesus, help me to rest my hope solely on Your words, like Your mom. Amen.”
Our first parents died to life in the garden of Eden through the sin of disobedience and so were separated along with their children from God. The New Adam and the New Eve died to sin in another garden through obedience and have united us to God. So, if we have died with Christ through Baptism, we will also be raised to newness of life in Christ, just as Christ was raised from the dead by and to the glory of the God, The Father. Amen.
“O Lord Jesus, please keep me away from the disobedience which leads to separation from You. Amen.”
“Mother Mary, if it pleases God, please take my will, my body, my soul, my heart, my intellect, my memory, my imagination, my dreams, my mind, and all of me, and give me only all that is yours, so that I may always be pleasing to God. Amen.”
The stone was rolled over the entrance to the tomb and they departed, and Mary was separated from her son.
Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Pray the Rosary, and let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
A lovely song you could listen to (Sounds better on Spotify BTW)
I write this knowing that for the past week or so I have been plagued in my body, in an on and off manner, with temptation, and it all started with a dream, in which I saw a form at the foot of the bed. I was so groggy in the dream that when I tried to pray the Hail Mary, I could only begin at “Holy Mary Mother of God”. It disappeared the moment I said that and then I woke up. I concluded it was not able to touch me because I have been wearing my rosary to sleep. I couldn’t say for sure what it was trying to do but what I could perceive was it was trying to unlock a memory, in order to tempt me to impurity, and as soon as I tried to understand my dream better, a memory came to the periphery of my mind which I pushed away but damage was already done. I prayed and then found a recitation of “Hail Mary” on Spotify which I allowed to play on my phone as I went back to sleep.
I have denied my eyes and ears of things that could possibly be sources of temptation, even before this day. I have denied my body as well, but I know my memory is not innocent and I know this is deserved.
I have been praying a lot of prayers. I get better while praying or at Church, especially after receiving communion, but it comes back. I am thankful to God, that my will and my mind is drawn to God, even in my dreams, and this is definitely a grace from God.
I kept up playing the recording of Hail Mary as I slept until yesterday. In the morning of yesterday, as I lay in bed sleeping, I heard a voice tell me that God will not let me know if an action is a sin or something along those lines. I thought the voice came from the recording playing on my phone because it sounded like it; it even had the same pace of the voice on the recording. I got indignant and my thought was, “That’s a lie. He does and He has.” and I remembered a moment from a time when I was much younger that I heard an inner voice recite the commandment to me when I was about to break it without even realizing that I was about to.
I wondered why the recitation I had on would say that. So, I opened my eyes and turned towards my phone to listen to it, and it only recited the “Hail Mary”. Then, I got confused. To be honest, it is hard to tell if I was dreaming or awake but I had been asleep and then I was awake. I probably woke up when I opened my eyes.
It was trying to get me to distrust God and I think it was trying to play on my worries about the difficulty I have in discerning mortal sin from venial sin. I tend to think it might be mortal sin and it makes me so sad that I have actually missed communion once because of it. I realized I was wrong after studying about sin on EWTN multiple times (Link here: Sin) and praying for understanding, and then later on, the priest during confession told me it was venial. I also came close to doing so again this Sunday, but I prayed for discernment and came to realize it wasn’t mortal sin, although, I still had to speak with a priest in confession to be completely sure.
Later on after waking up on Monday, I did an act of trust when I looked at the image of Jesus on my phone by saying “Jesus I trust in you” multiple times.
All through yesterday, I was troubled; actually all along I have been troubled because I do not want to sin, and I would be foolish to underestimate the temptation. So, I prayed to Our Lady of Sorrows for discernment of what was happening to me. Afterwards, I googled “Saints that were tempted in the body” and came across a great post. The post gave me great comfort. I will leave the part which lifted my spirits here. “Temptations have besides the following advantages….they afford us a means of expiating sin in this life…” Of course this is only possible in union with Christ. Here is the link to the full post: Temptations. There is more on polishing and sanctification on the post and an urging anyone who is tempted to pray to God for strength to resist the temptation rather than to take it all away. I pray for both, if it is God’s will.
I couldn’t play the same recording to go to sleep last night after what happened, so I searched on Spotify for a recitation of the rosary and found Bishop Barron’s podcast “The Rosary with Bishop Barron” and kept the sorrowful mystery playing as I went to sleep. I woke up refreshed and to a good tool for meditating on the Rosary.
My thoughts rest and resonate with the words of St. Paul, “So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inmost self,but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin which dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I of myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”
I also remember and dwell on the words of St. James, “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” and I have hope that this is not forever.
Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Pray the Rosary. Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
Recently, I got told that “I like to do ‘Holy Holy'”. This is a Nigerian way of saying I was overdoing the practice of holiness in this person’s eyes and that I loved to do so a lot. It was an ordinary thing I mentioned that I might try. I told this person that I would try to kneel down to receive Holy Communion on the tongue and apparently that was doing too much.
I would normally receive Communion on my hand, but I noticed that when I received Communion from a certain church, there were particles left on my hand, and I had to lick it off my hand. It felt uncomfortable to me. Later on, I considered the possibility that I had missed seeing particles on my hand in the past. So, I resolved to receive Communion on the tongue.
This Sunday, I felt the minister gave me a weird look. I did not see anyone in the church receive Communion on the tongue. Perhaps, I imagined the weird look, but I felt triumphant that I went through with it.
On Monday though, I went to a different church and the priest picked up the Holy Communion and lifted the Communion above his head, as he said, “The Body of Christ”. I stumbled over my response before I received the Communion on my tongue. It made me feel weird because I don’t recall a priest lifting Communion this high before giving it to me (although now in the far future I can say it was benign). It is not uncommon in this church for some people receive Communion on the tongue on their knees annd for others to receive on the hand while standing.
You might wonder, “Why did you not kneel?”. Well, I did not have the comfort of a kneeler and perhaps, I wondered if I could be graceful about kneeling on the ground.
On Wednesday, I decided to give it a go again at this same church and it was a total disaster. The minister was shorter than me, so I bent slightly, and she dropped the Communion before it reached my tongue. The second time, she got it. I was in shock and my day felt even more disagreeable than it was at that moment. I could not say my prayers completely and I left the church distracted.
It has been weird for me so far. It should not even be. I grew up receiving Communion on the tongue in Nigeria and we would kneel at the altar rail, on the kneeler, which was in a semi-oval shape and separated the altar from the congregation. We had altar servers who walked with the priest, with a paten in hand to catch any accidental fall of the Communion when it is given to communicants downstairs (Upstairs, it was received on the tongue standing). I do not know if this is still the practice there because people started receiving on the hand when there was an outbreak of Ebola. I think people went back to receiving on the tongue after it was over, but I didn’t. When I went back in January, I received Communion on my tongue while standing, at a weekday mass. I think I might have been doing as I saw people do. A Sunday mass will be different there, with people using the kneeler.
Anyway, as I walked to the bus stop, I considered that perhaps I was doing something wrong with the way I received Communion, so I decided to google, “How to receive Communion on the tongue”. There were things I never considered on the video I watched.
Regardless, I felt like I was trying to do something good, but the worst happened. I considered strongly going back to receiving Communion on the hand but when I got called “Holy Holy”, it was a fuel to do it again but this time around kneeling down, because the act of kneeling to receive Communion on the tongue should not be considered excessively holy. It is right and just or in other words, fitting for our King, and I am not my standard of holiness. I also thought, “What if I am being called to do this?”.
Then, I remembered that as a kid in secondary school I was called “Holy Holy” once and left out of a conversation because they did not want to corrupt me. I hated it and denied being holy. Now, it feels like perhaps I might be on the right path in my life since I have been told this again. Although, I have to say, human standards can be faulty.
Today, I will be trying some of the suggestions I got from the video and also getting on my knees. I have even practiced doing this at home and at work. I am feeling embarrassed actually about the whole ordeal, but I need to get through it to get over it.
Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Pray the Rosary. Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
I lift up my eyes to the hills. From whence does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot be moved, He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not smite you by day, nor the moon by night.
Psalm 121:1-6
Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary.
For most of the time I have written, which is a good chunk of my life, whenever I set out to write, I have allowed my emotions to drive me. Sometimes, I had written after a chance inspiration by a body of work which I found to be inspiring and other times, I wrote from my place of interacting with the things and the people in my life. I don’t think I have really included God in my writing process, at least not until recently, when I began writing about God; then I started praying before writing. I did this because I got nervous about writing the wrong things about God or leading people astray.
I did some introspection after my poem, “Hey Mom” was refined by my younger brother. The experience left me feeling a bit shaken for some days. I realized on looking back on the poem I wrote about “Expected Endings”; I had been purely driven and guided by churning emotions. I believe most of what I have considered “some of my best works” have usually been produced this way. Even as I put the arrangement together for “Expected Endings” up on my blog, I did not pray since I was not directly mentioning God on the post. I seemed to have separated my work from God in doing this. As if to say, “Now, I get to post something of mine since I have posted everything else I wanted to post about God.” Actually, my thought process was exactly this.
Before or while writing the poem “Hey Mom”, I had said a prayer to God for His help to write well. I felt nothing as I wrote but I tried to refine the poem as best as I could on my journey home from the church. I posted the poem on my blog late at night but sent off a copy separately to my younger brother for his feedback. I suppose I wasn’t expecting anything major from him, but when I woke I up and picked up my phone, I saw his replies. We had a back and forth on my way to work, as I did not fully grasp what he was getting at. Understanding of his point of his view hit me, from seeing what his refinements were, just as my bus halted at the bus stop. I teared up in reaction to this assent of my mind to his creative genius, as I alighted from the bus; a reaction stemming entirely from a strong wave of inadequacy which washed over me and nothing more.
Logical or not, that feeling of inadequacy which had labelled me a horrible writer might have been, I cannot say. I can say however, that by the time I arrived at my office, I pondered on the fact that I had prayed to God for His help to write a good poem, but His help had come through my brother. I think I was rattled majorly because His help did not come in the form I had expected it. I literally want God to show up in dazzling ways through me, but He does not want me to be alone, so, He shows me the bar of my limitations, urging me to lean on the strength he has supplied to others, to surpass my limits.
So, I prayed to Him to send me a helper for a petition I have been making for a while now.
This experience made me realize three things: (1) God does not want me to be alone, (2) God will use the people or whatever it is He has sent into my life to help me whether or not they realize it or even want to help me and (3) I do not want to keep my writing separate from God.
I will figure this writing thing out with God because my help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth.
Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Pray the Rosary. Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone. Remember to pray the Rosary! I suppose I should say Happy New Year, or rather, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all. The future feels overwhelmingly long,… Read more
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary! Discernment is a gift from God, and this gift will save you from being in horrible situations. How are we to know who to listen… Read more
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When you hear the scripture and people speak about Jesus and say, “He was one of us”, do you ever wonder what that really means?
The bible said He suffered and was tempted in every way, yet without sinning, and as such is able to sympathize with our weakness. This, He did all in the service of God, so that He may atone for our sins, through His sacrifice of Himself. So, we should have no fear, but be confident to draw close to the throne of grace, and in doing so, we will find mercy and the grace which will help us in our time of need.
I suppose when I have thought of Jesus, even after hearing that He was just like us in every way apart from sin, I have hated any depiction of Him that to my mind was less dignified. I have heard it said that on the cross He felt abandoned when He said, “Father, Father, why have You forsaken me?”. I think maybe to my mind, I interpreted that to mean that He believed He was abandoned, or perhaps I have heard it said as much. My memory is all jumbled up. Either way, I know Jesus is God, so I could not accept that He did not know that The Father was with Him. It was an imperfection that I just could not allow myself to believe. I suppose a part of me felt He found temptation easier, because He is God. I am not proud of that thought.
Today, I think I see things a little different and have another understanding of that moment when He said that. Partly because I have felt this before, but not even close to the degree to which He did, and also partly because, I heard someone say today, “He felt abandoned” and it finally clicked; “He felt”. So, this is only a feeling or emotion; the same emotion that people, including myself, have allowed to distort their grasp of the truth and then have fallen into sin. I say “only an emotion” not to belittle the strength of His emotions, but only to delve into the immensity of His emotions and to say, “what excellent will power, that he was able to hold on to the truth when He felt immense darkness, rejection and abandonment”. And that is only partly His emotional pain, not to talk of His physical suffering as He hung on the cross.
Perhaps it makes sense to me now because I know it is possible to feel an emotion which is at war with the truth of a situation which I am aware of 100%. It is the complexity of the Human situation and Jesus fully went through the human experience.
I believe while He felt abandoned, He knew His Father to be present and when He said that prayer from Psalm 22, “My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me”, in one way, He was uniting Himself to our suffering, our pain and our despair.
He was one of us.
I am sure this prayer also meant other things. Reading the Psalm will give you an idea, considering the suffering He went through, but I suppose, that other meaning, although equally important, is not the focus of what I am writing.
Following the prayer I mentioned above, He said another prayer just before He died, “Father, into Thy Hands, I commend My Spirit”, which spoke of trust in His Father to take care of Him and preserve Him. And God did preserve Him. He was raised from the dead by the Spirit of God and is now seated at the right hand of The Father, interceding for us. And the same Spirit of God which raised Him from the dead, dwells in all baptized Christians.
It would seem to me that He started off and lived His human life entrusting Himself to God and entrusting Himself to others. He entrusted Himself to the care of Mary and Joseph. He entrusted Himself to the 12 He chose, even knowing that Judas would betray Him. Man, He trusted. I do not know if I could trust people like that but maybe it is a call to entrust oneself to others. I do not know. I am only trying to see people through His Eyes, which are unjaded. I wonder if this would lead to more trust.
I am not a theologian, I might not be accurate in my understanding. In fact, I believe that there is so much that I do not know. I am only seeking understanding and contemplating God. If the answers never come, I am fine with it. There is a knowledge that leads to pride and destruction anyway. But, if you want to hear from people who have studied Theology, Ascension Presents has a couple of them.
Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone. Remember to pray the Rosary! I suppose I should say Happy New Year, or rather, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all. The future feels overwhelmingly long,… Read more
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary! Discernment is a gift from God, and this gift will save you from being in horrible situations. How are we to know who to listen… Read more
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone. Remember to pray the Rosary! It’s been a long time since my last post. These days, I feel as though I’m moving between keeping my head above water, walking on… Read more
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