Category Archives: Gratitude

For An Increase in Faith

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone. Remember to pray the Rosary!

I suppose I should say Happy New Year, or rather, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all. The future feels overwhelmingly long, so I’m choosing to follow Jesus’ words and focus on today, because each day has enough worries of its own. I’m thankful to God for His forgiveness, for helping me to keep praying, for holding me close, and for never letting me go. I’m aware of how often I fall short in loving Him as I should. It is a source of unhealthy grief and I don’t believe it helps me, however, my knowledge of what helps me is limited, so there is a chance that even in this conclusion, I am wrong. Since, in all things, God works for good, for those who love Him. Life moves so quickly, so I’m trying to take things slower and to be at peace with the things I cannot control.

I wrote most of this post, perhaps on the first week of last December, but never got around to sharing it. I’m glad I finally am.

This is a post about faith. It feels connected with a recent encounter I had with a man on a plane on the eve of Christmas, who’d introduced himself as Anglican, whom I’d come to realise was lacking in faith, love and perhaps, hope. I was moved to pray for him and his family, and as well for an increase in faith in myself; not that the encounter led me to doubt but because I know I am not infallible. After this prayer, I soon realized that I too, through a lack of knowledge and unaddressed doubt or should I say “confusion”, was lacking in faith. It was ugly but thanks to God, it did not last, because it is the very nature of faith to carry on even when knowledge lags behind, and I am grateful for the ministry of reconciliation. So here I am, praying that Jesus saves me from this body of death. Thanks be to God, for He has loved me enough to show me, so I know His work is not finished yet.

To have faith when you have been let down over and over again is not an easy thing to do. I don’t think I was always skeptical. I think it became my defense mechanism against the lies I was always so gullible to believe growing up, lies that did not even make sense. I believe it played a role in me falling out of faith when I became much older, although I cannot say it was the only reason. In a world full of deception, selfishness, cruelty, disregard for life and limitations, it is better to put your faith in God, who is Truth, Love, Life and Unchanging, than to put your faith in man.

The bible says, “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for. The conviction of things not seen”. I recall writing a post about the point of life a little close to five years ago, April 4, 2021, to be exact (as seen in my notes). This was at a time I had returned back to a belief in God, as more of a unshakable conviction than a logical conclusion. I must add that no matter what logical conclusion one has, without a conviction, one is not able to come to faith, because not everything is seen or known, no matter how smart the argument sounds for the existence of God; this is because we are quite foolish after all, and the wisdom of men is foolishness to God. Once one has faith, all other argument contrary to the existence of God, or suggestions that it is impossible to know, becomes utter foolishness and is rejected with a vim, “God forbid”. This is because it is the character of faith to know, with a conviction reverberating throughout your very being, without knowing everything.

In any case, I read my writing from years ago and it seemed bizarre to me. I am also uncertain in totality what I believed in, since I did not see any point of life back then, even after believing in God. From reading my writing, I can only conclude that I lacked hope. I also lacked the things which people would typically state as the point of life, and what I did have, was so distant, that I could not latch on to the idea of it. From a place of poverty, I’d set out to write out my thoughts in order to prove that there was no meaning to life, however, by God’s providence, I ended up proving to myself, logically, that God exists.

I argued back then that the actual search for a point to life is futile because if life did not exist, there would be no search for its meaning. To my mind back then, the idea of a point to life only stemmed from life’s existence so, it was inaccurate for people to say helping others is in essence what gives life meaning, because the point to life could not stem from the actions of the people existing. I believed life’s point had to exist outside of life and demand that life functions in the way it was created to function. And so, if we were to ascribe to life, an External Creator who determines life’s function, then, the Creator’s Will becomes the point of life. The rest of my writing went quite dark and ended with me saying life seemed pretty pointless.

Back then, I held up 2 possibilities if we were to consider an External Creator. The first possibility was that humans are high functioning beings with wants and desires. As a result, the need for choice could not be escaped because of that very design. However, if the idea of the Creator’s Will being the point of life is the standard, this idea strips an individual of the individual’s will, leaving that individual a shell waiting to be commanded and nothing more. Just like a remote control cannot argue about the reason for its existence. The second possibility was that it is the Creator’s Will that we exist exactly as we have been created, complex and different, free to make our decisions and chase our desires, (I believe I thought this was as long as it did not go against The Creator’s Will, although I cannot be certain of this addition as I have inserted it as I’m writing this, and I distrust my memory), and when we can no more, to die, in a natural process or circle of life. When I considered that, I concluded that the point to life could possibly be defined as the sum of all we amount to or our fate in life. I considered how unfair and uncertain fate is and decided that life seemed pretty pointless. I believed people confused the point to life with what I termed “anchors to life” or reasons for living, such as family, love, friendship etc. I considered that perhaps there was more out there, a world that we are unaware of, but even if we gained all of that knowledge, it would not really matter or change the situation of the world. The way I saw it, I was lucky to have my family, and if that luck persevered, maybe I would have the love I desired. So, for one who’d thought I’d come back to Christ, I had come to a worldly conclusion.

I have come to a third possibility, I believe through God’s providence, which builds on truth within the first and the second possibilities, which I believe is true: If life did not exist, there would be no search for its meaning. The idea that there is a point to life only stems from the very fact that life exists. The point of life cannot be derived from the actions of the people existing as a primary principle, since if life did not exist, there will be no search for its meaning. Life’s point has to exist outside of life and demand that life functions in the way it was created to function. So, we can consider the Force or Power that exists outside of life and demands that life functions the way it has been created, an Immortal Creator (God), able to drive life in the direction He pleases. We can deduce from how precise and intricate creation is that there are no accidents and as such, there must be a clear plan for creation. In our human understanding, we would call a device that fails to do what it was created to do, “faulty”. However if the creator of a device dies, the device does not lose the meaning for its creation and if not faulty, is able to continue existing after its creator is dead. Without God, we would have no meaning since everything will cease to exist. From this point of view of our existence in relationship with God, it suggests that God is the Uncreated Primary Cause, and His creation are created secondary causes.

Humans have been created to be high functioning and complex, having wants and desires, the ability to search out the meaning of its creation, and to participate in it as a driving force. This reveals God’s desire that we have our own will, in order that we choose. However, since God is Creator, He has designed us to exist in the manner we have been created to exist. In order for creation to be, there has to be God’s Design and God’s Law for His creation, which humans participate in as a driving force. It follows that choosing God’s Will keeps us in God’s design, but rejecting God’s Will, throws us out of God’s design for us. To be able to choose at all God’s Will or to reject God’s Will, we would need to know what God’s Will is. This need we have to know of God and His desires, reveals that there is a type of relationship that God desires with humans.

In addition, when one considers that an all-powerful God created the universe, desired humans to know Him, and gave us the free will to choose; I suppose this gives evidence of the nature of God, which is Pure Love, because given the choice, humans can love you or hate you. God chose that vulnerability. God being Love itself, did not force us to love Him out of compulsion even if it meant we could reject Him. This reveals another nature of Love. Love is not driven by the need of one party over the detriment of the other party. So, The Creator has to be a God infinitely more powerful than we can imagine to create the universe, and irrevocably Love to have created us.

It could not be a sadistic situation either for human beings to choose God’s will, given that when one reaches discernment of what love is, we know that Love is pure, Love is good, Love is truth, Love is life, Love wills the best for you, Love is joyful, Love never ends. I can conclude from the nature of love that in living according to God’s will, humans were joyful and full of life at some point. If you consider our current human experience, you will see evidence of a lack of joy, a lack of truth and an abundance of death because of lies, selfishness, cruelty and a disregard for life. It is possible to discern that something must have happened to us to bring about this change from love, joy and life, to what it is now. Something that took us away from God’s will for us. Something that made us broken.

If you look into all the stories in the world which speak of God, none of them relates the nature of God from the point of view of God creating us, in a way that gives a snapshot of God’s Power, Love, Vulnerability, Care, Purity and Loving Relationship with created things, like the God of the Bible does. Nothing else fits.

The Bible, in Genesis explains that our first parents (Adam and Eve) went against God’s will. As a result of this, sin and death came into world, and today we suffer the consequence of those actions. In essence, all the evil, sickness, death and bad that you see in this world is a consequence of sin. The Old testament tells a story of a God who loved the world so much, He set a plan in motion the moment humans sinned and fell away from His Design, in order to save them, because He is a God that does not rejoice in the death of the wicked. In His Divine Plan, He set apart a people for Himself (Israel) through whom He gave the world a Divine Law (The Ten Commandments).

The problem with sin is that it corrupts everything, and one of those things corrupted is the human intellect and the human will. As a result, after the fall, humans did whatever they felt was right in their eyes, which did not necessarily mean it was good, because on the one hand, humans enjoy sinning, and on the other hand, it can sometimes be hard to discern because of the darkened intellect, and also, we do the things that we do not want to do because of a weakened will. God knew the people He set apart for Himself were imperfect, unable to keep the Law, but it was necessary to give the Law so that what is sin may be revealed through the transgression of His Law, so that we come to knowledge of the gravity of sin which is death, so that God’s Justice and Mercy is magnified and so that humans stop destroying themselves and others. We are like foolish toddlers set on killing ourselves through our interaction with the world around us.

Through the Law and the Prophets God provided, He prepared a people for the coming of the Perfect Sacrifice to take away the sin of the world, Jesus Christ. And through the perfect everlasting sacrifice of Jesus Christ, His Son, in the likeness of sinful man, sin was condemned in the flesh. If sin is not condemned, God is not Just, but if there is no mercy, God is not merciful. This is why Christ’s sacrifice is the One Perfect Sacrifice. Jesus received the justice for our sins. Hence, those who have died in the flesh with Christ and now have new life through Christ’s resurrection, have their sins washed away, a regeneration of a new heart and have received an outpouring of the Spirit of God; the Spirit of adoption as heirs of God, being co-heirs with Jesus Christ.

What great love God has for us that while we were still sinners, He sent His Son into the world knowing that He would be killed by humans because the world hates all that is Good, Pure and Holy. Through Jesus’ entry into the world, we see that suffering is an inescapable part of existing in a broken world, but there is dignity and purpose in suffering well, when united with Jesus’ suffering. Through Jesus’ obedience and His sacrifice, God lifted Him up and gave Him a name that is above any other name. So, we know with a knowing that is conviction, a gift from God, that if we live through Him, In Him and With Him, we have the justification of a clean conscience before God, a crown of glory and immortality in God’s presence, where there is fullness of life and peace.

From this third possibility, I can see in fact, that the point of life is relationship with God, and from what I have come to know and believe, I can see that this relationship can only be through Jesus Christ, His Son.

Relationship does not negate religion. It is through the system of religion which Jesus Himself instituted, in establishing His Church, through Peter, “the rock”, and supported by the Apostles, the pillars of the Catholic Church, in a succession that spans nearly two (2) millennia, that we are able to have a relationship with God through Jesus.

The bible points out religious practices which are pleasing to God and those that are not. It never said religion is bad. So, if you’ve heard religion is bad, do a complete 180 and drop such foolish beliefs and doubt the ones or groups that told you that. There might be no malice from them but there is plenty foolishness and a blind man cannot lead a blind man. To accept such a teaching signals a spirit that craves sugary goodness without the pain of submission to authority and yes, there is pain that comes with submission. You are not able to reach pure love of God there or anywhere else other than the Church Jesus founded, which is the ONE, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. That is, if this is your desire.

Old testament:

  • Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

New testament:

  • Jesus speaking: And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church (singular), and the powers of death shall not prevail against it.
  • If any one thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this man’s religion is vain. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot was used as an editing tool.

A great song to listen to!

Through this Valley of Tears

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone. Here’s your reminder to pray the Rosary.

I told my baby brother last week that it wasn’t until I suffered hardship—not that I hadn’t suffered before—that I could really feel and resonate with the “Hail Holy Queen” prayer. Especially the part that mentions “this valley of tears”.

That line—“To thee do we send forth our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears…”—felt real to me, as I lived it. Although my past suffering was no less real, I suppose it hadn’t been accompanied by prayer in this way before, and perhaps, it took that moment for me to resonate very deeply with the prayer. I suppose, some things cannot be fully explained.

I will be sharing bits of what has been happening lately. I hope it blesses someone who needs it.

Visual Sensitivity

I mentioned previously that I suspected I might have a visual sensitivity. Recently, my symptoms worsened—worse light sensitivity, worse blurry text on computer screens, new burning, and new pain—so I went to see an optometrist. It was uncomfortable to voice what I’d been experiencing, especially since it didn’t make much sense to me. The initial eye exam showed my vision was fine, but further tests revealed iritis in my left eye and severe dry eyes in both.

Thankfully, the iritis was caught early and only had to treated with prednisone drops. Thanks be to God, it’s now resolved. My optometrist advised me to return if I experience any symptoms like I did, as iritis can recur. But that leaves me uncertain: dry eye symptoms are similar to the symptoms of iritis, so how would I know the difference? I also don’t know what exactly caused either.

While both conditions explain my sensitivity to light and contrast perception challenges, they don’t fully account for past experiences. For example, when I lived in Lagos (Nigeria), there were times I felt pain behind my eyes that forced me to go to sleep to rest my eyes or essentially close the affected eye (I don’t remember which). Back then, I wasn’t using screens much and stayed indoors a lot. When I voiced the pain from when I was younger, my optometrist told me Alberta’s dry air could be the culprit, but I’m doubtful since I lived in humid Lagos (Nigeria) then and I didn’t have the additional symptoms I experienced recently.

I remember a photo taken outdoors when I was a teenager—my eyes were squinted so tightly they were nearly shut. At the time, I blamed the bright sunlight, but now I wonder. I don’t think the others who posed in the same spot struggled. It’s funny how that one moment stuck with me. I had to retake the photo because I was told my eyes were closed, so I’d forced them open, and I think, if memory serves me well, they even watered. That memory resurfaced recently when I watched a video of a mother describing her daughter’s sensitivity to sunlight causing her to close her eyes (although hers is probably worse). It made me pause—was that reaction not typical?

I also remember living in London (UK) and experiencing eye pain and headaches just from looking out a window—even though it wasn’t particularly bright. I figured maybe my eyes had just grown unaccustomed to light after so many gloomy days. There were also times during my walk home from work when I’d feel nauseous and get headaches from the flickering sunlight flitting through the tall shrubs/plants along the path. Something about that shifting light threw me off. I actually recall avoiding the sunlight. Did I wear sunglasses too afterwards? I’m not sure. A similar thing also happened here in Canada, and even while riding in a moving car.

My memory isn’t perfect, and I’ve not really been keeping very good track of these episodes. I just keep pushing through life, managing everything as best I can, without ever stopping to consider that maybe this isn’t entirely usual.

This is just my thought—I could be wrong, and maybe I won’t truly know until I’m face to face with God, or He chooses to reveal something more clearly in this valley of tears. But I think the visual sensitivity was always there. It’s just that the iritis and dry eyes pushed my symptoms from something manageable to something more distinct and disruptive. My optometrist assures me my vision is fine and that we should focus on treating the dry eyes. In any case, I’m giving thanks to God for revealing the iritis in time for it to be treated with just one medication, and for also bringing the dry eyes to light, something I’ll try to manage better, though I admit it’s hard to keep up with everything I’ve been advised to do.

Honestly, I think it was finally putting on those sunglasses on my final driving test that stirred a reckoning within me that there might be something wrong. I believe God was gently nudging me to take it seriously.

************************************************

My Inheritance

Something unsettling happened at work recently. An error was found in a protocol, and the author who is the PI denied making the change or knowing who made the change—implicitly casting suspicion on me. Since in that situation, the modification could only have come from either of us, he did not have to say that I made the change for anyone to believe that I made the change. He just had to deny making the change or deny knowing who made the change. However, I don’t have the authority to submit changes to Health Canada or the REB without the PI’s explicit approval, even if I edit the protocol under his direction or in an effort to improve it. Despite this, a team member, who has often seemed antagonistic, nearly accused me outright, and did so in front of my team lead.

I was placed in a difficult position where I had to defend myself and provide proof—through emails and document history, including the audit trail in our tracked Word protocol file—that the changes had been made by the PI. Even after presenting clear evidence, the tone remained unchanged. My team lead later spoke with the team member who just about accused me, and together they reviewed the documentation. According to my team lead, she only grudgingly acknowledged that I wasn’t at fault.

I felt deeply anxious and unsettled. Honestly, I felt unsafe, but when I shared this with someone, they reduced it to me simply feeling bad. Another had told me that maybe the PI forgot he made the change, but he was provided email evidence twice, and told to his face twice but it did not make a dent. Even if he missed the second email, I had already informed him in person after the first—shouldn’t that have prompted him to check? Was he truly unaware? That’s between him and God. But I don’t think it’s fair to place the burden on me to make sense of his actions.

I think it is difficult for some people to feel empathy until they are on the receiving end. The truth is, I didn’t just feel bad, I felt unsafe, accused and undermined. Is it really unreasonable to think that I would feel this way?

In any case, I’m profoundly grateful to God that I had the evidence to support myself from every angle, because even someone tried to bring forward an angle of how it could also have been my fault, which I had to refute to the person’s silence.

Bits of a bible passage came to my mind during this period, “You will refute every tongue…it is your inheritance.”, or something like it. Here is the full passage:

“no weapon that is fashioned against you shall prosper, and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, says the Lord.”

Isaiah 54:17

Now, what if there were no emails or document history, what would have happened? Even with truth available, I still received hostility.

I could see the availability of evidence as a gift from God and I felt the weight of responsibility to handle this well. I came close to going too far in defending the truth, but even then, God called me back. I am thankful to God for His mercy on me.

I wasn’t perfect. I felt like a mess. But my baby brother reassured me that I was taking the necessary steps, and that meant a lot. I found myself voicing emotions I hadn’t expressed before, navigating unfamiliar territory in how I responded to others who acted strangely to me. I don’t have all the answers about this situation. I’m still learning how to act toward those involved, and I’ve wrestled with whether praying a Psalm for my accusers is the most charitable thing to do, but it is a prayer from the Bible, and it is the Word of God, which I cannot dispute is good. However, I have been commanded by God in the Bible to bless my enemies and not to curse them. I told God that I don’t wish for their destruction. Still, I prayed the Psalm because it is the Word of God, as well as variations or inspirations from the Psalms, while also praying for their shame and repentance and trusting that it is all up to God. I do not say all this here so you follow in my footsteps. I don’t know the truth. Ask your priest. (PS: I hadn’t gone looking for the Psalms. It was simply there—on the facing page of one I recite often—and I think for the first time that night, my eyes caught the brief description at the top of my childhood Bible: “Prayer against accusers” and I jumped at it because there was a prayer for what I was going through).

I think I felt lighter the morning after praying that Psalm and listening to others as I lay in bed before sleep. Afterwards, I believe I brought everything I could remember and understood to bring to confession, including the things I was unsure of. I didn’t receive any counselling at confession. I received absolution and penance which I believe God felt is sufficient.

One thing I know for certain is: without God, I am nothing.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot was used as an editing tool.

A great song to listen to!

No Small Feat

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Here’s your reminder to pray the Rosary.

Today, I am going to share my journey towards obtaining my driver’s license in Alberta. It has been filled with setbacks, imperfections, and difficult moments. Yet through it all, I’m thankful that God sustained me, never let me go, and faithfully brought me to the other side.

It all began in 2023 with me studying for the knowledge test. It took me such a long time to go through the driving manual from front to back. Still, I failed the knowledge test on my first try and barely passed on my second attempt. By God’s grace, I managed to guess the last few questions correctly and scored 25 out of 30—the minimum passing mark. I was overjoyed. I had assumed I would fail again with only maybe one or two questions left, so this felt like a miracle. I want to preface this by saying that many people do pass on their first try—like my older brother, whose “really?” face I still remember, when he heard I had failed. I don’t think the knowledge test in Alberta is excessively difficult. It was just challenging for me.

The next hurdle was learning to drive on the road. I enrolled in a driving school’s program that included an online course and road course package. Completing the program would earn me a certificate that could help reduce insurance costs and shorten the Class 5 GDL (probationary license) period from two years to 18 months. Driving was tougher than I expected. Ten hours of instruction didn’t seem enough. My instructor suggested more practice, so I drove occasionally with my older brother and rarely with a friend who lent me his car. The driving school required me to meet a certain score on their evaluation sheet before issuing the certificate.

In late 2023, I paused lessons because of winter approaching and the thought of driving induced a lot of anxiety. But when spring or summer arrived in 2024, I reached out to the school, determined to earn the certificate. I completed 18 hours of road training in total with the school before she declared me road-ready and issued the certificate, but I still didn’t feel confident. My heart would pound every time I sat behind the wheel. The criticisms I’d heard were loudest.

I took my first driving test using a registry car. Its analog accelerator gauge was unfamiliar, and its acceleration was jerky and the brakes required extra pressure than I was used to, so my nerves grew, and I missed a stop sign while entering a parking lot. We didn’t get on the highway. On my second attempt, I had the same tester. My anxiety was worse. He believed I should’ve paused for a vehicle with the right-of-way, but I proceeded, thinking I had enough space and time. I failed again. I don’t clearly remember the next four tests. At one point, I even considered taking herbal medicine to calm myself down but I don’t think I wanted to rely on that so, ultimately I decided to leave everything to God. I prayed a daily novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots (although it is supposed to end at 9 days), even when I wasn’t driving. After I failed the 6th road test, which I’d felt God called me to go ahead and take, I took a break from testing in 2024. During this final test of 2024 (attempt #6), I sensed the anxious feeling quietly leave me while I drove. I realised that praying the Novena to Our Lady undoer of knots daily worked so I continued it.

Around Christmas time, I drove with my sister. Her presence felt calm, safe, and warm. I did not sense any anxiety in me or her. She let me know after the drive that I could drive, made small mistakes and I just needed more confidence.

In 2025, I resumed lessons with a different school. After a series of sessions, my instructor informed me that I could drive and he seemed almost guilty to take my money for more sessions. He recommended driving on my own with some support. I felt hesitant reaching out to him again, but I eventually trained with another instructor from the same school who helped me improve in areas I knew I struggled with.

In 2024, I had purchased prescription polarised sunglasses, and found out that driving in socks helped me control speed and steering better. But by 2025, I realised I could still manage with snug shoes even though wearing socks gave me better control, and I felt comfortable enough to not rely on the prescription polarized glasses. Most importantly, my heart no longer raced uncontrollably while driving, although a trace of apprehension lingered before the drive. So, I assumed I was calm while driving.

I failed my first road test this year (attempt #7) due to visual and spatial awareness challenges. I missed crucial road markings and misjudged the lane of an approaching car as I attempted a right turn. The tester applied the brakes. He allowed me to complete the test and I could surmise from the skills assessment I received that I would have passed if not for that mistake. His assessment gave me hope so, I rebooked another test about two weeks later, believing I could succeed.

I still didn’t wear my prescription polarised sunglasses. My plan was simple: if am unsure, I’d just let others go first. I wanted to drive in socks, since it had noticeably improved my speed and steering control during the earlier test. But during a lesson prior to my next attempt (#8), my instructor had noticed and insisted I wear shoes. Even though he was not present for my test, I didn’t want to be disobedient, and I wanted to honor him, so I complied. To be clear, I can drive with shoes. It’s just harder to sense the pressure I’m applying to the pedals due to low proprioception. That low sensory feedback means I could unintentionally speed—and in a test situation where everything is heightened, that is too risky. Speeding can happen in a heartbeat. So, it did on my second test. I went 40 in a 30 zone—an automatic fail. The tester let me finish the test and once again, from his assessment, I would have passed if not for that slip. I begged him to reconsider, pleading for mercy. But he refused, saying, “I cannot lie”. I was surprised by his wording. I hadn’t viewed my plea as asking him to lie—just asking for mercy.

I can’t say that I felt I had done something wrong for begging. I had even told my younger brother that maybe I should’ve begged during the first test this year (attempt #7), but I’d wanted to follow the process. Later that day, though, I reflected on the tester’s words. I had asked him for something that could compromise his integrity. And he’d declined. I felt terrible for asking, not because I intended deceit, but because I realized I had tempted him to sin. I genuinely believed mercy to be in the hands of the person who you plead your case with, and in this instance, it was this man. But, I suppose he is human and not God; and he has his responsibilities and I was placing the wrong request on him.

I felt a distrust start to creep in that God was not going to help me. Not even because He couldn’t, because He is God and He is all powerful, but because there must be a good from me failing that I cannot see or understand. I had prayed. I had faith. I worked hard (to the best of my ability), and yet I failed, even though I knew how to drive. It didn’t make sense. Life didn’t make sense. I felt kicked, beaten, and abandoned at the curbside. I felt truly defeated and I caught myself slipping back into old pattern of swearing as I spoke to my brother. It was like watching myself from the outside, stunned: I’m swearing. Why am I swearing?. By God’s grace, I stopped even though the pull was there to continue.

I considered taking a break from testing for a while. But my younger brother said “no”—firmly. He insisted I could drive and just needed to be careful. He hadn’t seen me drive, but he believed in me because minus one error I would have passed. He urged me to book another test right there at the registry. I sat on a bench close to registry, under the hot sun for a long time, until I finally went in. Later on, my sister echoed her encouragement. She worried I sounded defeated about the next test I had booked. But I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t guarantee a different outcome. I gave thanks to God, but praying felt difficult. I felt sinful and like a failure in both my spiritual life and my earthly efforts. I felt abandoned by God and not helped by Him. Yet, I knew God had helped me because I remembered how I used to drive with my heart racing uncontrollably. And now I don’t. That change was real, even if I didn’t feel helped. I felt like nothing.

Before my first road test this year (attempt #7), I had prayed earnestly for God’s guidance—should I postpone or proceed? In the final moments leading up to the test, my prayers were answered. I received an unexpected opportunity to practice, and the weather shifted dramatically in my favor, contrary to the forecast. Even my Uber driver remarked on how beautiful the day was. I gave thanks to God out loud, taking it as a greenlight from Him to go forward. So, when I failed, I couldn’t help but wonder: Why would God tell me to go ahead if I was going to fail? I know it was definitely for good but I could not understand it. Maybe I thought I heard wrong but the answered prayers were so clear.

Prior to my second road test of this year (attempt #8), by God’s providence, I stumbled upon the story in Scripture where the Israelites (11 tribes), sought God’s guidance on whether to go to battle against the tribe of Benjamin (1 tribe). God told them to go, and they lost. Twice. It was only after they wept, fasted, offered sacrifice to God and returned to ask, not just whether they should fight, but whether they would triumph, that God assured them of victory. And they did. That story stayed with me and I decided to act like the Israelites: I fasted and prayed, seeking God’s voice not just for permission, but for outcome. During Mass, a passage was read about Jacob (Israel) wrestling with the God—a relentless grip for blessing—and leaving with a limp. That same day, my ball and socket joint had flared up and I limped slightly too, so, in my spirit, I concluded God had blessed me as well. I took it as a sign that I would pass. I can’t remember if anything else affirmed that conclusion, but I decided to have faith. So when I failed, my confusion came back, and I think I began to wonder if I’d been hearing my own voice all along and mistaking it for God’s voice. I questioned whether I had ever heard from God ever in my life. I questioned whether people deluded themselves when they said God spoke to them. I believe I concluded from scripture that God truly speaks to those He loves… or perhaps I concluded God speaks to those who truly love Him. Unclear at this point, but I think both are valid.

I went to confession the day after my 8th attempt. The priest told me that God’s message to me that day was the same one He gave to St. Paul: My grace is sufficient for you. St. Paul’s words came to me also: “I will boast all the more of my weakness”. He counselled me to trust in God’s grace and mercy, but I struggled to understand what it really meant to trust God’s mercy and grace, or what it meant to have faith or how to have faith. I questioned whether my faith was ever genuine because of my poor actions.

Daily, I ask God to interrupt my plans if they’re not aligned with His plan for me, and to move me into conformity with His plans. I’d heard someone online say this prayer, loved it and adopted it. In this time, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was just my prayer coming true. I felt a slight temptation to stop but I continued it because genuinely deep down, it is what I want even if my being revolts against it. 

I had been told by the priest at confession that the ability to do better is a gift from God and that I have it. So, in the six days leading up to attempt #9, I looked inward: what could I do better? I remembered my Apple Watch alerting me that my resting heart rate had hit 120 bpm before the previous test so, I’d removed it prior to the test to avoid distractions. I decided to check the data for the period I practiced, and my heart rate had climbed to 132 bpm. I think at the time I may have thought my baseline or lowest heart rate to be in the 50s, but I can say now that it got as low as 50 bpm on July 15th (a day before the test). So, I think it is safe to take that as a baseline. The thing is I never sensed any rise. In the past, I would hear my heart race uncontrollably but that stopped and I assumed I was calm, but the reading said otherwise. I realized my body had adapted to driving under pressure. However, the anxiety slipped into my feet, triggering unconscious sensory-seeking behavior to ground/regulate me: pressing harder on the accelerator (tactile/proprioceptive input) without noticing, due to low proprioception. I recalled all my reading last year (which I believe were guided by God) about proprioception and sensory seeking, which I’d pushed aside and did not prioritise because I didn’t feel qualified as a doctor to give a diagnosis. But on considering all of this, I decided to drive in socks on my last road test.

A day before the test, I noticed the early morning sun—mild for most—felt intense to my eyes. I got a headache and felt nauseous. I considered that perhaps my eyes could be sensitive to the sun, considering other times when I had the same reaction to what appeared to be low intensity sun but read to my eyes as high intensity. I’ve also had moments when the road appeared washed out and made it impossible to detect bends or markings but I can’t say I truly fully believed I had visual sensitivity even though I purchased prescription polarised sunglasses. I’d held back from wearing them while driving this year because I did not want to seem arrogant to the examiner and I seemed to be doing better without wearing them, but I suppose when this happened, I decided not to take any chances.

Another thing that helped me was that I stopped obsessing over each driving maneuver. I simply got in the car and drove on my 1-hour practice a day before, and my 1-hour practice the day of the test and also on the test. I also prayed “God forbid” whenever I felt trepidation sinking into my gut, and the fear retreated. This made me suspicious that perhaps, there was a problem which the enemy capitalised on and so the fear became excessive. To my mind, “God forbid” was my way of praying to God to rebuke it and also me coming out of agreement with it. I enlisted the help of everyone in Heaven (I believe), including my Guardian Angel, and I also braced my mind to accept whatever type of road condition I face. I stumbled upon an encouraging video about John Gurdon, a Nobel Prize winner in Physiology or Medicine, whose teacher had told him his ambition of being a scientist were ridiculous and a waste of time because he was bottom of a class of 250. I suppose it is already striking to me that he won a Nobel Prize in Medicine but what stood out most to me was what he said upon being congratulated and told the teacher was wrong. His response was, “Are you sure? You don’t know how many times I have done experiments that don’t work”. It was all humorous with a tinge of truth. The video spoke of perseverance and it felt God-sent.

I took my third road test this year (attempt #9) wearing prescription polarised sunglasses and socks. I passed with only 30 points off, the maximum allowed being 75, and I looked cool doing it to the glory of God. The points off were for hesitation and judgment related to hesitation (I’d wanted to be safe and to pass, and I got honked at once at a red light, where I thought it safest to wait for the person with the right of way to go by, but I’m supposing in the tester’s judgment it was not enough to fail). I learnt later on at Mass that that day (July 16th) was the Feast Day of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. When I considered it, it felt like a gentle Heavenly wink. This road test was harder than the previous two. I was taken through unfamiliar roads for the most part, which were busy, had tight corners, and construction zones. Yet, I was able to apply every lesson from my past training, including those failure had taught me. I had the same examiner as the last two times (attempt #7 and #8). This time, he opened the car door to inspect my parkings (parallel and downhill)—something he hadn’t done before and none of the testers before him ever did. I suppose he was being thorough. Good man.

Later on, I checked my heart rate data. From what is available to me, it appears to have started at 113 bpm, but during the test, it dipped into the 70s, peaked at 80 before settling at 77 bpm at 11:04 a.m. The test finished at 11:07 a.m. and I don’t have data for 3 minutes. But, essentially I was at resting heart rate for a time. And I said to myself: God is real. My heart rate seemed to spike up after the test at maybe 11:11a.m. to 127 to 130 bpm, but my assumption is that at that time, I was expecting to hear I had failed again, as I waited for his corrections to be over, but instead I heard him say I passed and that I should go inside to upgrade my license.

Someone I told about passing the test, praised my perseverance—but I overheard them say they didn’t think I would pass because I hadn’t driven much, I am guessing between the last fail and the final test or perhaps because of how spaced out my lessons were, and all the other times I’d failed. But you know what, I could not tell either, but it goes to show that human perception is limited and God’s mercy does not depend on the thoughts of people. This was no small feat.

If I could list the factors that made learning to drive especially challenging, they would include:

  • Anxiety — pervasive and gripping, especially during tests.
  • Criticism — I have come to understand there is a difference between correction to build a person up and criticism which tears you down. One corrects and proffers solution, the other tears down with no solution proffered such that the individual becomes the problem and not the issue at hand being the problem. Correct them but if they don’t take you seriously, limit your performance of anything important to you in their knowing or presence and if you can, surround yourself with people who correct to build up. You’ll be surprised how much wonders this will do for you.
  • Photosensitivity, contrast distortion & Vision Issues — The glare and reflection of sunlight sometimes caused the road to appear completely washed out, erasing clear distinctions between bends, lane markings, and surface textures, and sometimes my glasses felt insufficient to help with my short sightedness.
  • Low Spatial Awareness — gradually improved, but still not perfect; I’ve reached “safe” levels for driving. I’m more attuned to positioning, movement, and distance, though I remain mindful.
  • Low Proprioception — particularly in my feet, which made speed control and steering unpredictable at times.
  • Unclear Guidance from Instructors — Sometimes, they didn’t clearly explain how to perform actions, just expected results.
  • Lack of Regular Access to a Car — limited my ability to reinforce lessons through practice.
  • Instructor Misalignment with Examiner Expectations — I wasn’t properly taught about the expectations of the tester. For example how the tester expects a shoulder check to be until a tester flagged it. Afterwards, I exaggerated my head turns during checks, even doing multiple—and testers praised me on it in a manner I thought felt excessive but it boosted my confidence in that area. Another area was that none of my instructors even pointed out my wide right turns apart from the testers. I had to share that with them and still they didn’t tell me how to fix it, they just expected me to know. I had to figure out I had to steer a lot more. Seems simple now but I really didn’t know.
  • Low Awareness of My Body & Needs — I was often disconnected from what my body was experiencing or needing while driving.
  • Poor Nervous System Regulation — fight-or-flight responses were common and uncontrollable.
  • Difficulty Processing Test Directions — My ability to mentally process the verbal testing directions felt slow and labored, which led to delayed reactions and poor execution which triggered anxiety and a sense of panic, clouding my confidence and making it harder to perform tasks I had otherwise prepared for. This got better with time and failure.
  • Difficulty Remembering Rules to Apply them: Failing caused it to stick to memory better. I also learn better through experience than verbal communication. I process that better.
  • Discomfort with Examiner Presence — their watchful silence made me more anxious and less intuitive.
  • Discomfort with New Roads: New roads or places can feel disconcerting to me, although that didn’t seem to matter on my last test. Although I was disconcerted, letting out a shaky, thoughtful “hmmm” at certain moments, my mind and body seemed to have adapted under pressure, such that I was able to drive safely, thanks to God.
  • Difficulty Prioritizing My Comfort — I often chose to “fit in” over choosing methods that helped me drive better (like socks over shoes).
  • Distrust in My Instincts — I resisted decisions that felt right for me in order to follow what seemed normal to me or others.
  • Agreement with Anxiety — Somewhere down the line, I don’t know when, but I had accepted anxiety and this had to be broken.
  • Choosing Times Based on Traffic Hope, Not Mental Readiness — I’d select quiet times for tests, rather than mentally preparing for any road condition that God permits, and I’d face the opposite.

To anyone who thinks I’ve over-spiritualized this, I’ve come to believe that we’re meant to spiritualize everything. We are body and soul—not separate—but one integrated being, only divided at death, which was never part of God’s original plan. In the resurrection of the dead, there will be a resurrection to life and a resurrection of judgement, and in both, body and soul will be reunited. St. Paul even tells us that the battle is not merely physical—it’s a fight between the forces of God and the powers of darkness. Beneath the surface of daily life, there is a very real war between good and evil. So, I don’t believe it is excessive to examine life through a spiritual lens. It is right to honor what our natural senses are often too limited to perceive. I give thanks to God for He has done a great thing for me, undeserving as I am. Indeed, it is hard to believe. I also thank Mother Mary, my Guardian Angel, St. Joseph and all the Angels and Saints for their intercession.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot was used as an editing tool.

A great song you could listen to!

Other Posts from Me

Connections: Through Eyes of Faith

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! I hope you are all doing well. It has been a while since my last post. It was not planned but I have to admit, it did feel good not to post anything. I had an idea (or maybe two) in between but I didn’t get around to starting it. More recently, I had some experiences which I didn’t want to forget so I decided to write them down in order to remember and that is how this post took shape. Before I go any further, I’d like to remind you all to pray the Rosary!

It’s not about you…

Recently, I realized that I’ve endured a lot in jobs for the sake of a paycheck and in the hopes of something better in the future. But when it came to a volunteering opportunity I’d committed to, one small inconvenience, an unpleasant interaction, made me want to walk away. I told myself I could always volunteer elsewhere—but where, and when? Would I ever follow through again?

At first, I didn’t see the parallel between my work life and this volunteering situation. But eventually I did. I don’t believe that insight was what changed my mind, though. After I considered quitting, I prayed against my huge ego and asked God to show me whether He wanted me to continue, even though, truthfully, I was pretty set on not going back. I figured if He wanted me there, He would change my heart.

That morning, someone reminded me that I’m doing this for God, not for the person I would like to avoid. I already knew that. I thought it the night before, and it had nearly convinced me—until I went back to thinking I could just volunteer elsewhere.

Then after Sunday Mass, I saw a video of a young boy saying, “It’s not about me—it’s about serving others”. He also mentioned how Jesus, though inconvenienced, still went the extra mile to heal people. That struck me. It reminded me of a scene from The Chosen, where Jesus tells James and John to till a plot of land—later revealed to be the land of a Gentile. When they wanted to call down fire on their enemies, Jesus lovingly corrected them and they got the names “sons of thunder”. I’m not sure if all of this occurs at the same scene but it stayed with me.

Hearing “it’s not about me” filled me with joy—at least for a little while. I felt free when I heard it, but the doubt crept back in: Do I really have to volunteer there?

After that, maybe the next day, I listened to a video of a recounting of Jesus’ suffering on the cross: His wounded back scraping the wood every time He had to lift Himself up just to breathe painfully. That is the height of inconvenience. And it moved me. I think it made my mind firm about going back.

It wasn’t until I confessed this to a priest and heard him say something to the effect of me simply wanting to follow my own desire that I realised I was being led by the flesh. Later, as I stood before the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe, I found myself telling Mary something along the lines of: I am foolish. I know it, and you know it. I wouldn’t even recognize if I were doing something terribly wrong unless you told me.

Looking back, I think I was only able to see the connection between this experience and my work life in a solid, indisputable way, when back home. And when I did, I couldn’t help but thank God—perhaps Mary too, as I often likewise thank Mary, and ask her to offer thanks for me most perfectly—because His hand in all of it felt unmistakable.

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A dream…

I was on my way to work, following a new practice of reading a chapter or two of the Bible, using the YouVersion app while on transit. After reading the verse of the day, I usually open the full chapter and sometimes continue to the next. That morning, before I even began, these words floated through my mind: “You are a priest forever, a priest like Melchizedek of old.”

When I opened the reading, I found myself in the book of Hebrews and unexpectedly, the chapter spoke of Melchizedek’s priesthood. I kept reading, chapter after chapter, stunned by the God-coincidence. I may have thought then or later that day, “God is real.”

Later that same day, I saw a post by Novena Cards on Instagram announcing that two novenas were beginning that day: one to Our Lady of Perpetual Help, and the other to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. It took me a moment to realize they share a feast day, something I had never known before. That’s when a memory surfaced: a dream I had in the past, where I believe I prayed in this way, “Our Lady of Perpetual Help, pray for us. Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us… Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us. Our Lady of Perpetual Help, pray for us.”

I remember waking up from that dream thinking, “I don’t really recall saying the title ‘Our Lady of Perpetual Help’ before”. I wondered if the title might be connected to Our Lady of Succour. But the deeper meaning didn’t hit me until I saw that post. And in that moment or perhaps it was a developing thought throughout the day, I felt overwhelmingly aware that God is real. God is present. God is with me.

I didn’t quite know how to respond to this. Should I go home after work or go to church/mass? Or maybe just follow through with that networking event I had signed up for but really didn’t want to attend?

I ultimately chose to follow through and attend the networking event.

I found myself thinking, “Wow…God has revealed this to me”. I had only just started praying for understanding of some dreams I’ve had, although I’m not sure I thought of this one specifically—but maybe…

At one moment that same day, I felt like I was flying. I hoped it would last…though I didn’t expect it to.

I also considered that this is God’s mercy to me. I sensed that this meaning I have found is only a small part of the dream’s meaning but even that small part feels like so much. Since then, I’ve felt courage I hadn’t known before. Where I was once silent, I’ve begun to speak up. And even when cowardice tries to creep back in, I’ve kept speaking up—so far, at least.

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Divine Timing…

That day, I also found myself pondering a passage from Hebrews: “One might even say that Levi himself, who receives tithes, paid tithes through Abraham, for he was still in the loins of his ancestor when Melchizedek met him.”

There is divine timing and a divine order to life. If Levi, generations removed, could be said to have paid tithes through Abraham, then so could Isaac, who hadn’t been born yet. Abraham had Isaac after returning from the slaughter of the kings, being blessed by Melchizedek and giving tithes to Melchizedek. This precise sequence allows it to be possible for us to be able to say that all Abraham’s descendants gave tithes to Melchizedek through Abraham. Taking into consideration also that “not all descended from Israel belong to Israel, but only the children of the promise are reckoned as descendants”. This is because there are 2 races, one according to the flesh, and one according to the promise, so that the purpose of God’s election might continue because of His call and His mercy, so no one can boast.

“I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion”.

God is Love. God is Mercy. God’s mercy is His love. What could be perceived as a delay or an unfulfilled promise was indeed God’s divine timing.

It made me consider: what else do we (I) mistake for a delay and try to hurry along or control like Sarah when she gave Hagar to Abraham, and even then God knew she would do this and it did not stop the God’s blessing from going to Abraham, Isaac, Jacob (Israel) and the heirs of the promise rooted in faith in Christ, Just as God has promised. God factors in our weaknesses when He deals with us.

I think we just have to open up and allow Him to work, or cooperate, and trust that He perfects all things in His time. Still, that space between the imperfect and perfect can be frustrating, hard, bitter and painfully disheartening, that is, if we fix our focus there. The challenge is to look forward in hope to where God’s work of grace is perfected. I heard somewhere that part of what makes learning a new thing hard is that we do not tend to our expectations and we ought to acknowledge to ourselves that it is going to be hard but it will get better. We can apply the same principle to the faith journey, since this is our first/only experience living this life. When I imagine the purifying flames which I will go through on that day, it brings me joy that I will not sin again after that.

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On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot was used as an editing tool. Mama Mary was (is) watching over me. God was (is) looking after me.

A song you could listen to!

Music in Me

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone. Remember to pray the rosary!

When I was a kid, I would sometimes hear an orchestra playing in my head. The music was so beautiful, and I wished I could play it out, but I didn’t know how to play any instrument other than the recorder, and I wasn’t very good at it. I told a friend on the school bus about it, and she didn’t call me weird. Later, I watched the movie “August Rush,” about a boy who could hear a symphony in his head, and I think I wondered if people might think I was lying if I shared my experience. I also found it interesting that a movie portrayed a kid experiencing this. As I grew older, I stopped hearing the music.

Two nights ago, I had a dream where I sang a song to Jesus, and I woke up with the tune still playing in my head. I recorded it and sang it a few times during the day, and I could hear in my head how the production would sound, even the symphony and blend of voices. It wasn’t until today in church that I realized I had heard music again. I could not help but wonder if perhaps a part of my innocence had been healed. Sometimes, healing comes so subtly that you don’t even realize it has happened until it has.

Recently, I’ve been learning that attraction can be manipulated by the evil one, even if it starts off as something good or somewhere good. I found it difficult to get someone out of my head. You might wonder why it’s a bad thing to think about someone you like. The thing is, I didn’t know this person well, only a general awareness of him and his actions in church, and he smiled at me. I could only see virtues which made him attractive to me, but I didn’t know him well enough to say I liked him; at best, I was curious.

Another reason I found it problematic was that I did not have custody of my mind. My thoughts never wandered to anywhere sinful and never beyond my encounters with him or fantasies of what could be, but still my body was weak and easily excitable. Even my perception of him was altered. He appeared more physically attractive to me. Like he had a glow and my eyes would catch him everywhere my head turned. I prayed to God several times to take it away and to help me have control of my mind. I also went to confession hoping for the grace I have always received to overcome any vice I bring forward to confession. It persisted even after confession. Then, I admitted to Mother Mary that there must be a part of me that wants this even if I did not like it. The bible says, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free and I wanted to be free, so I was careful about admitting my fault with that in mind. I left the church that day feeling exhausted.

During this time, I leaned into praying to the Holy Spirit for self control. I learned to see all men as my brothers and nothing more. This revelation slightly deadened the attraction, and I felt a freedom within me when I decided not to kiss a man until marriage. I believe this is the way it is supposed to be, although, others might argue differently. I have a hard time believing a couple could “always” exchange chaste and pure kisses. I realised as well that humans were made by God for truth and to recognise the truth. The reason we do not always do this is because of sin, and “the man” was blessed with a knowing of this truth at his creation. It is the only way he would have been able to name all animals in the garden of Eden and do it excellently without sinning. So, a man fully aligned with God’s will, will always be able to recognise the truth with God’s help. This isn’t to diminish women, but I wonder about where the saying “woman’s intuition” comes from, and about the manner it is used as though it is a special gift limited to women when “the man” was first blessed in this way by God. I want a man who is lead by God to know the truth because he is in alignment with God’s will, and I do not want love to be awakened in me until it pleases, so to speak. It is one of the reasons I did not trust my feelings. It went against my beliefs and desire.

Anyway, I still didn’t have full control of my mind until I asked God some questions since I could not figure it out. “Do I like him?” “Am I attracted to him?” “Should I be attracted to him?” or something similar. It felt like a fog lifted, and I regained custody of my mind. Later, I asked similar questions to God for good measure. “Do I like him? Am I attracted to him? Should I be attracted to him? If I should not be attracted to him, then please take it away”. However, since the first time I asked the questions to God, I have had control of my mind in that area. So, I was being unnecessary, surely out of a desire for it to be permanent.

I remember feeling weird and perhaps melancholic afterwards that day, and when seated in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe in church, because it felt like I had been on a high only to crash quickly. I was grateful to God for everything I had learnt but I was annoyed that my feelings had been manipulated so, I prayed against the evil one, as I felt so aware of his plans to destroy me. I was also concerned that my feelings were so easily manipulated and wondered if I was really okay. So, I prayed to Jesus about it for His healing. I am thankful to God for His grace. I believe I have been healed.

There were some “God coincidences” during that time, which are really no coincidences at all. I remember a thought came to me during that time, “Be open (Ephphatha)”, and I recalled the bible passage where Jesus healed the deaf and dumb man. I prayed for God’s help to be open to His will and to do His will. Then, I heard the bible passage about the healing of the deaf and dumb man read in church during daily mass. I considered the creation of Adam and Eve, and then it was one of the passages read during daily mass last week. Another was that I remember praying a rough form of “God’s will is my will” at some point during that time, and afterwards, stumbling across an Instagram post about a quote from St. Alphonsus Liguori, that one should accustom oneself to saying in times of trial, “It is the will of God; it is my will also”. Now, I often pray, “God’s will is my will,” and I feel my will bolstered.

I can’t say that I know everything about this series of event. In fact, I have a feeling there is still more to learn that I do not know yet. It is the reason that at first I hesitated to write this post. But, I suppose I will worry only about today and bask in the joy of knowing that I am able to hear the music again and that God is in my midst, a Warrior Who gives victory; Who will rejoice over me with gladness, Who will renew me in His love and Who will exult over me with loud singing as on a day of festival.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot might have been used to refine this write up. I honestly can’t remember at this time but in recent times, I have found it to be a handy tool for editing.

A lovely song you could listen to!

An Invitation to Love

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

January was a long and busy month, and I’m still working on getting back into my daily mass routine after returning from Houston and moving recently. I am thankful to God for another month in this new year. Since my last blog post, I’ve learned more about myself and discovered a missing piece. Before the year was over, I was called selfish in a situation where I believed my reasons were justified, but it was perceived differently. This made me wonder, if I couldn’t handle being called selfish by a human, how would I bear it if God called me selfish? It was a chilling thought. So, I resolved to accept insults from people, keeping that in mind, to prepare myself for that day.

I’ve also reflected on my last blog post, wondering if it came across as selfish. Since being called selfish, I’ve been questioning my actions, asking myself, “Is this selfish?” and “Am I being selfish?” I thought maybe my blogpost seemed selfish, but my heart and intent weren’t, as the post didn’t capture the full context or my complete feelings. I considered other details I hadn’t included, not intentionally, but because they didn’t come to mind while writing. Who is to judge the heart but God?

Those accusatory words and my blog post propelled me to delve deeper into lessons I previously only understood superficially. This principle might seem simple or straightforward to you, who are wise, and maybe I had heard it before, but it only truly registered when I watched a video about suffering last month. The video mentioned, “There is no love without sacrifice. How could a mother claim to love her child without sacrificing for that child,” or something similar. Then, I realized my inclination is to desire to love without pain, but the pain and sacrifice are proof of the genuineness of my love. Here is a link to the YouTube video: Heralds of the Gospel – What CATHOLICS are not told about FASTING

All through last year, God invited me in so many ways to love Him. So, the year I couldn’t say I enjoyed was actually filled with moments where I loved God, a lot of moments I previously saw as inconveniences. Although, this does not apply to every moment, it felt like last year was marred by struggles. Yet, even the lows, which I didn’t enjoy, were highs in disguise. My perspective was just skewed. So, I resolved to welcome this year, by God’s grace, with the joy of knowing that this moment, this time, God is inviting me to love Him. It’s an opportunity.

I had equated loving God with loving my neighbors, and in truth, to love God is to love your neighbors. What I hadn’t considered is that to love God means to love everything He has willed to come my way, knowing it’s for my benefit. In fact, knowing the weakness of my will, these seemingly inconvenient moments are necessary for the salvation of my soul, if I cooperate with His grace. Cooperating with His grace will look different each time and doesn’t necessarily mean doing nothing.

Since having these thoughts, I’ve joyfully embraced everything God has sent my way, doing my best by His grace and offering it all up to Him. When I reflect on January, much of it has been focused on this. I try not to get too upset when things go wrong because I have a goal in mind. I don’t always get it right and I’m not perfect, but that’s okay. With time, I will perfect this by God’s grace. It’s such a privilege to be invited to love God. How many people truly realize this?

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you could listen to!

End-of-Year

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

How is everyone doing? I came close to not creating this post but my future self in less than 2 hours might be disappointed. So, here we go…

It has been a long year! My year started off on a high note with me passing the PMP exam, but I did not feel good on the first day of the year because all I did was worry.

A lot of this year was full of uncertainty, and I felt so unstable. It is not an easy feeling or place to be. I still feel unstable and uncertain about a lot of other things, and I feel the New Year will be a continuation of my endeavour towards what I feel stability should look like. I am thankful to God for a lot of things such as my job and for saving me in a lot of ways, especially in the ways I have no knowledge of, no matter how impatient I am or annoying. I am also thankful for His patience, His gentleness and His comforting presence which I could sense sometimes.

I don’t feel good on the last day of the year. This fact makes me uneasy when I think of the New Year.

It is not necessarily a bad thing to suffer in any way. The saints seemed to believe they were kissed by Jesus when they suffered. However, I cannot say I love suffering…maybe this is why I struggle. I don’t know how to reconcile their point of view with mine, but I am happy they exist because they love God in a more perfect way, and I admire them and all that they are and stand for.

I would like to pause in the New Year. I hope I am able to do that. I would also like my heart to be protected. I hope that happens.

I hate that I have been able to see all the flaws in others and I am not able to piece mine together to actually bring about significant change. I hate it so much that I wish I was oblivious. I think it might make life lighter. But then again, my insight has helped me navigate certain people, so perhaps it is not a total loss, and my wish is not for the best. I just don’t know how to make sense of it.

Oh well, I would like Next Year to be a good year for me. I hope that I will continue to see the goodness of God in the land of the living. I pray God accompanies me in all that I do next year, right down to me breathing in and out…right down to the functioning of my cells….right down to the stirrings of my soul. I hope that I am able to love God with my whole heart, soul, mind and strength. I need God’s help. I need God.

I think St. Padre Pio is going to be watching over me in the New Year. You might think it is a random statement, but I truly believe that it will be so, for my reasons and it makes me chuckle and also fret…only because I do not trust easy.

I hope everyone reading this has a blessed New Year, and I hope and pray that you find God when you search for Him in all the little ways that you do and might not even realise it.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you could listen to!

“Love”

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

I have been going through some things which I shan’t go into details about, but I will say this, I have learnt that a stranger will give love more readily than someone you consider close. Better to run to that stranger, than someone you think is close. But a stranger is a stranger for a reason, and I think as the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt…hmmm, or is it disrespect. Better yet, run to God Who never fails.

I flinched when someone told me “I love you.”. It is hard to hear those words when you have been beat up emotionally by the person saying them. The words became easier to digest over time, to understand and to love. I cannot take credit for this transformation. Only God can do this.

I also prayed and hoped to God for something I desired. I moved forward courageously, when I had not a lot of courage, and prayed fervently for His peace. I thought I heard Him say to go forward but things did not work out as I had hoped. I wondered if indeed I had heard Him. Maybe not but also maybe I did. I do know looking back at it from a close distance, I can see that I have learnt some things from the experience so far. I have a richer understanding of what it means when God forgives you. It is written that God forgets your sins when you repent, and He forgives you. It all made sense to me amid a chaotic moment that was unrelated in matter to God’s revelation to me, but congruent in weight or depth of expression. The potent revelation I received made me realize in a striking manner which my soul is wont not to forget, that I will not crucify myself for my mistakes and God does not want me to do so either. “As far as the east is from the west, so far does He remove our sins from us”. “I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.”

Oh, I felt ecstatic and hopeful when things did not go my way, and instead of grief, I thought to myself that this is all for the Glory of God, for my salvation and the salvation of others. Later on, I felt grief, but it did not overtake me like it had in the past. It made me long for the Heavenly Jerusalem just like Abraham and the saints did. I told Him that perhaps I did hear from Him and I will take this event as discipline. God disciplines those He loves, so He must love me so much. God loves me so much, this I know.

Afterwards, I considered the love between a husband and a wife. I have been trying to have a God-like view of what that dynamic is supposed to look like. I remembered the portion of the bible where St. Peter exhorts wives to treat their husbands in the manner Sarah did, when she obeyed Abraham and called him ‘lord’. I was critical of the word “lord”. What did that mean? It sounded reverent but also, I couldn’t help but think about subjugation combined with inflexibility, judgementality, hypocrisy and inconsideration. I know of a traditional, catholic man who was this way. I also know of a middle class protestant Christian who was very considerate to his wife, he treated his wife like an egg. I know of a rich, liberal man who was conservative when it soothed him, so his wife suffered because he did not help whether by contract or by self, and he did not encourage the best for his wife. Finally, I know of a traditional African man from a largely patriarchal society, who did not want His wife to cook, hired help for her and of his own volition, made arrangements for her to get a higher education. That African man would have been made perfect if in other ways, had he practiced the Christian faith, and yet he was quite generous in nature in a lot of ways and God blessed him. It is an irony that the faithless are able to love in ways that the supposed faithful do not.

My mind also wondered if the vision of calling your husband “lord” could be akin to the victorian era where some men were called lords and some women were called ladies. To them, it might have been a surface synergy of Class meets Class on a level of some sort, but to Christians, should it not be a synergy of joint heirs to the grace of life; one heir of the Kingdom of God to another?

To my mind, I have only one Lord. My mind moved on to another bible verse when I considered how my Lord displayed His Lordship, and in turn taught through his actions and words, how the disciples ought to treat one another. It was on the day He washed their feet, a day before they would desert Him, and one would betray Him. Knowing this, He washed their feet. At another time He said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great men exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you; but whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave; even as the Son of man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

A lord by this definition is one who is a slave and servant of his wife, and pours himself out completely, without counting the cost, to the point of death. I looked up at the picture of the cross at the moment this came to mind while praying…or perhaps I was looking at it already without registering it. I should have been meditating on the “Crucifixion of Christ” because I was praying the seven sorrows, but my mind had been restless. In any case, the love I am considering is a life-giving love. It is so powerful that I stumbled over my thoughts. A healed woman or a woman open to healing would desire or crave to submit to that man and defend that man wherever she went to. She would sing his praises everywhere and she would be able to trust him.

And so, I asked God, “What man can love like that?” I wondered if it was even possible but then again, I remembered St. Therese of the Child Jesus. I had never gone through any writing of anyone before her, I don’t think, who burned with a desire for martyrdom. No one except Jesus. Although, as I write this now, a few do come to mind. I heard the account of St. Ignatius recently, how he begged the early Christians not to save him from being torn apart by lions. St. Paul as well….oh, and another saint who did evangelical work, but I do not recall his name. All things are possible through God’s grace.

If I am to consider this idea further as I write this, “We love because Christ first loved us.”. The man loves first through dying to himself and calls out a submissive expression of love from the woman. That is not to say that love must always be received for it to be given. On the contrary, I believe there is infinitely more merit in loving when you are not loved. I think one would be better off with a lot of prayer, placing greater scrutiny on the type of dynamic or relationship one chooses to have great proximity to for the rest of their life, and face (focus on) God whether or not they are blessed with this, and if not given, to die with joy and go to God. So, I am in fact considering a healed dynamic or one open to being healed when I write about a submissive expression of love which a man call out of a woman through loving in dying to self. On the other hand, the woman submits even though the man fails, and the man loves sacrificially even when the woman fails. It is easier said than done. That is why one should pray to God if in that situation, that God should help one love. God is always ready and willing to help you love. I know this because He always helped me whenever I asked for help to love….to be patient.

I do not understand the saying that one can love without respecting, perhaps this is why I have difficulty. I subscribe to the bible’s view of love and it is not bound or limited to gender. “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things”. Looking at this, I cannot believe respect can be separated from love, so, I do not know how one could prefer to be respected over being loved. I wonder though, if the respect some men claim they want is the stroking of their ego, the fanning of their pride. This is what I have observed from a small sample size. But then again, I am not married and some might think me bitter because of it. Ultimately, what do I know except what I have observed, and what is the point I am trying to make by writing all of this?

I suppose the point of this is to share my thoughts, so that in doing so, someone out there does not feel alone in this vastness that is the universe; the point of my blog really, lest I forget.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you can listen to!

Testimony

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By Cynthia Aralu

I waited patiently for the Lord;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in him.

Psalms 40:1-3

Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

I have been meaning to share about God’s blessing to me and to give thanks to God in the presence of everyone like the Psalmist says: “Let them extol Him in the congregation of the people, and praise Him in the assembly of the elders”.

I held back at first because I couldn’t say anything at the time and then later on, I suppose I started to overthink everything. I got a new job within the same role at the same workplace and it gives me the opportunity to gain more project management experience while I make plans for my future. I give thanks to God for the opportunity that he has given me and it is my hope that I am able to be courageous and kind within this role, always keeping God at the forefront of all that I do. I pray for the grace to do good, for God’s guidance in all that I do, for God’s help to gain all the experience that I need. I must admit the role fills me with uncertainty about a few things but all I have to do is trust God and love as God desires. With God, I can do anything.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

God bless you!

A lovely song you could listen to!

Dreams or Visions

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By Cynthia Aralu

About 4 or 5 days ago,

I dreamt that I saw Jesus. 

I would have known the exact day,

if I’d written it down when I told myself to.

He was so large and I was so small. 

His face was neutral one minute,

The next, He had a frown. 

His eyes were exquisite.

They gleamed with so much power and fire. 

There He was, only looking at me. 

There I was, staring right back at him,

truly a mixture of awe and question.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary!

It’s been a while since I published a post on my blog. I have been resting. I noticed myself getting extremely fatigued much more frequently, crying a lot more, and so I had to withdraw inwards and become even a lot more quiet, so as to be able to focus on the “need to do(s)”. I am feeling a lot better now and also learning to take deep breaths when I feel overwhelmed and allow stimming. I find deep pressure, such as hugging myself tightly, to be very calming but I can’t do it everywhere as it can be seen as standoffish but I don’t think about any of that when I am in church. I give thanks to God for strength.

I had a dream maybe 4 or 5 days ago. I wrote it down today and felt a desire today to share it while praying this morning. So, that’s what I’m doing now. It is a memory stitched back together, so take the meaning behind the general story without a focus on the details, that is, if there is a meaning to you. Only God knows. 

It so happened that in this dream, I walked into one of the rooms in the ground floor of my family home in Nigeria which used to be storage for a long time, and there was a black cat there which I perceived was a curse, so I just thought something along the lines of, “I’m over this scene and I’m going to God”. So, I began to rise upwards into the darkness until I reached a place where all I saw was Jesus. He was so large and I was so small. I remember feeling this way. He stared neutrally at me and then frowned and then shooed me away (His approach towards me felt that way. I felt fear.). I went back down to the earth into a room I do not know. I wondered if He was truly Jesus since He looked angry. It is possible that a better description could be that He looked severe. He came back to look down at me. I looked up at Him through what seemed to be a large aperture leading upwards to the sky above, from where I stood on the earth. He was larger than everything. I was surprised He came back. I thought, “He came back”. I was impressed by the gleam and fire in His eyes, and unsure of the reason He was frowning. I don’t remember much of what happened next, if I inched closer, maybe. 

I woke up wondering if I am doing something wrong or done something wrong. And if I’d really seen Jesus. 

He looked like one of the depictions/icons I have seen in Orthodox Christianity or Byzantine Christianity. Even the dimensions of His eyes; one is not the same dimension as the other, similar to how I perceive the Christ Pantocrator. I think His eyes were lighter but my memory of this is vague. What I know for sure is that they had been gleaming, striking and alive. Thinking back now on June 19, 2025, when I am including this update, I think his expression could be said to have been severe (which I had interpreted as a frown).

A day before this, I had my eyes closed and saw a snake slithering on the ground and then suddenly a light skinned strong feet crushed the serpent. It all went black after that and I opened my eyes. I don’t know if I was dreaming or if it was one of those moments where I close my eyes for 1 minute and I see a short clip of something. I have read it is unusual for dreams to occur soon after falling asleep. How do I know those short clips happened after 1 minute of closing my eyes? Well, I don’t have a timer on when it happens but it feels like 1 minute, like I’m sitting in front of the Tabernacle or at the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe and I doze off for a minute and at times but not all the time, I am jolted awake; that’s how it feels like. I also didn’t have much time to stay at the places I mentioned before I had to go off to the pews to join the mass or move on. So, I deduce roughly 1 minute, but it could be 1 – 10 minutes. Again, in university, it even happened while studying and also when walking back to my room to sleep. I was sleepy every time and I saw people I don’t know, in motion or chatting away or both, as if I am watching a video in front of me. One time, I became a part of it but that could have really been a dream or maybe not. Maybe it was just my imagination since I could rewind the action. I read about hyperphantasia because I wanted to understand this, but that does not explain it, since images in my head are of a poor quality when I am awake and I feel a strain in my head when I try hard to remember images. I only get a clear burst of an image for like 1 second before it is faded/hazy, or I am only able to call up an image in fragments, until I have seen parts of the images in my mind, but God helps me and uses it to heal my heart, even if this is the extent I can be present at the scenes during His life on earth.

Anyway, dream or vision or not, it took me a while to really think about what I saw and write it down, but at least it was on the same day. I kept thinking, “What did I see?”

This week, I received good news which I cannot share yet but I give thanks to God for it and I also seem to be better and more confident at driving, according to my mom, although my brother begs to differ, that I lack awareness and I drive weird. Honestly, it did not faze me because I am different and I am starting to embrace it. I struggle with noticing all the road signs because driving is an overwhelming sensory experience for me, and it is my tendency to not take in the wider picture but to focus on one detail. I am getting better at this, the more I am behind the wheel and I am getting used to the motion and the feel of the car. Sometimes, at stop signs, I have caught myself zoned out because I was overwhelmed. It was embarrassing because I was with my instructor. Sometimes, she had to tell me to move. I get better when I am more comfortable with my environment, the car, the person, the movements, the roads or when I am successful or day(s) after I fail, and with repetition; this is even the same when walking and using GPS, just more amplified when driving because I am moving fast. I have gotten lost multiple times while walking and using GPS. It is such a hard and overwhelming feeling to be lost, that in the past, I even dreamt about being lost and being rained on. I woke up on the verge of tears and the feeling carried over for a while, so, I curled up in a fetal position and hugged myself tightly in a bid to force the tears out or chase the feeling away until I calmed down.

I have been praying a lot about driving, pushing myself to keep going and disregarding the feelings which make me not want to drive. I think I have improved from the first time I got behind a car; even from 6 days ago. I know God is with me, taking care of me and I am pleased about the drive yesterday even if my brother is displeased. I am not seeking understanding. I hardly understand it all myself and I am not great at voicing out all that is happening to me. Sometimes, I lack the interoception to do so. As I understand more, I learn how to make accommodations for myself. One in particular is a low spatial awareness, which I only learnt about recently and everything in my life makes sense. I am thankful to God for bringing me this far and for leading me to Conquer Driving on YouTube and some other YouTube videos, who have given me tips which have helped me. I just need to make accommodations when driving, and do well enough to pass the road test and improve some more later. God is with me. God is for me. I give God thanks for His goodness, love and mindfulness to me.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you could listen to!