I guess I never thought I’d ever be in this situation. I mostly keep to myself. I’d have to be comfortable to go to where you are, for me to ever do so. And if I’m told, “You’re always welcome to come.” That to me is an invitation. And if I start to speak to you and start to think, you just might be okay, I would consider if we could be friends. If I give my phone to you and say to you, “put in your number”, and you dial your phone from mine, right in front of me, without a prompt from me, and afterwards I ask, “so that means we’re friends, right?” and you agree, I would think we are friends. I would show you grace as a friend, if ever you fall short. I have too much self control to ever be deliberately sexual in speech, so, if I speak about wanting to see your garden, best believe I mean that as a friend wanting to spend time with another friend, and if I speak about a serious topic like cervical screening, there really is no sexual overtone, just an intellectual conversation I am trying to have. I would not take banter seriously. I would create space for you in my mind and in my heart. I’m kind of simple and straight forward like that.
I have been honest from the start, so, it is silly, I think, that I have been made to feel that I had imagined us being friends. Even the manner of revelation had been foul. I am glad I had the sense to find out and he’d been uninhibited when he’d spoken. But, I don’t take disrespect lightly and I never stay where I’m not welcome. I also don’t waste energy on people who are not family or friends.
It made me sick to think that I was talked about by people I considered friends. And it did hurt. A silent battle waged in my mind as I tried to decide on whether to allow myself to feel my emotion or whether to stop myself from wasting my emotion on someone who does not hold importance in my life anymore. You see, I have come a long way to finally feel a myriad of emotions as they occur, unlike in the past when I felt too detached from an experience to know how I actually felt, such that I was fascinated and worried as a child that I had never felt the emotion of missing someone, but my sister was clearly able to.
I don’t know what it was and I cannot exactly wrap my head around it, but I read a tweet as I scrolled through twitter, which brought me to the conclusion that all of this, the event, the emotion and the individual, did not really matter and I stopped hurting.
I hope to forget this happened once again, as with all of life’s character building experiences, and to stay soft, to stay kind and to always prosper.
Thank you for reading/listening to today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new blog post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone. Remember to pray the Rosary! I suppose I should say Happy New Year, or rather, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all. The future feels overwhelmingly long, so I’m choosing to follow Jesus’ words and focus on today, because each day has enough worries of its own.…
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary! Discernment is a gift from God, and this gift will save you from being in horrible situations. How are we to know who to listen to? How are we to know what is good? We hear Jesus say in the Bible that, “The good man…
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone. Remember to pray the Rosary! It’s been a long time since my last post. These days, I feel as though I’m moving between keeping my head above water, walking on solid ground and living in Heaven. I believe there is a saint who said one must walk on earth and…
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone. Here’s your reminder to pray the Rosary. I told my baby brother last week that it wasn’t until I suffered hardship—not that I hadn’t suffered before—that I could really feel and resonate with the “Hail Holy Queen” prayer. Especially the part that mentions “this valley of tears”. That line—“To thee…
Here’s a sweet poem for your sweet hearts. May you stay soft. May you stay kind. Long, may you prosper.
Aquamarine
Aquamarine watches me with pride
As I float past unblinking lights
Oh, Aquamarine
Burning deeply within my heart
My sweet repose
My Aquamarine
Whole as you are true
The long stretch,
The mile through,
Stay, walk me home,
Never let me go.
Thank you for reading/listening to today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new blog post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
Listen to the audio recording of today’s post on my Podcast, Amara’s Musings
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone! Here’s your reminder to pray the Rosary. Today, I am going to share my journey towards obtaining my driver’s license in Alberta. It has been filled with setbacks, imperfections, and difficult moments. Yet through it all, I’m thankful that God sustained me, never let me go, and faithfully brought me…
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone! I hope you are all doing well. It has been a while since my last post. It was not planned but I have to admit, it did feel good not to post anything. I had an idea (or maybe two) in between but I didn’t get around to starting it.…
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary! I recently realized that I may not have been entirely clear about the sources of the information I’ve shared regarding devotion to Mary and the path to Jesus through her. I had thought I was, but upon reflection, I see that I could have been…
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone. I hope everyone is doing okay and you are remembering to pray your Rosary. This lent has been an enlightening season. While I look forward to its conclusion, I find myself reflecting on this time and wanting to cherish this meaningful period—to savor it fully before it passes. Yet, the…
There was a twitter post from a woman saying that it would be great if a better device for a smear test is developed so that the cervical screening did not hurt.
She took down this post because she got so much heat for it from Nigerian doctors, I think, because it was cervical cancer prevention week and there was a campaign ongoing in Lagos to get as many Nigerian women tested for free. But I thought her post was a great idea. Innovate. How is it ever bad to innovate?
I saw another Twitter post of a Doctor that was some sort of follow on quip from that post.
“Female practitioners and women who have actually screened agree too that it is not painful or harmful just inconvenient!”
A very obnoxious interpretation of the “minuscule data” he has gotten from a Q&A he started on Twitter.
It irked me. What about the women who felt pain during the smear test? Were they lying about their experience and can something not be done to help their experience? A problem should always give birth to innovation but if the problem is pushed away or hushed, how in the world would people do something about it?
I explained to him that he was not being honest to the conversation if he dismisses the experience of the women who actually found it painful. I agree that the smear test is a necessary test and a lot of women find it uncomfortable but to some, it is very painful. Multiple truths can co-exist without excluding each other. I even presented a possible reason for this pain to him. The cervix might not be lying in the normal position.
His response irked me even further. I knew being unreasonable was his choice, so, I did not bother responding. However, as I lay in bed trying to sleep, thoughts played through my head of what my opinion on this is, so, I decided to write it down instead of just having a massive debate in my head. Man, I love writing but it has such bad timing sometimes, and it costs me sleep. But who needs sleep? Sleep is for the weak. But yeah, I’m going to pay for this when it’s time to get up for work.
Anyway, his response went like this:
“We’re not dismissing it. We try to allay the fears of other women by reassuring them based on the opinion and experience of most women who agree that it is uncomfortable, very uncomfortable sometimes, often painful too but only a few times unbearable except something is wrong.”
First of all, blatantly making a general statement, as he had done initially, that the test is not painful but only inconvenient, already dismisses the people who feel pain. I thought the duty of the doctor is to give the entire truth about a procedure and not one truth. If I hadn’t said something, it is doubtful he would have mentioned the other side? That to me is gaslighting.
1 in 5 women have a tilted cervix. Why would something that common be seen as a problem, if it is unlikely to cause health issues. Of course, there are cases where pain during a smear test could indicate that there is something genuinely wrong.
My first cervical screen was fall of 2020 and it hurt a lot. The lady chose a large speculum because it was “appropriate” for me. It is a pure mystery to me how she made that assessment, but the pain was unbearable. She just couldn’t get the speculum in the right position to allow her the movement to take a sample using the brush and she kept pushing. Then, she went for a speculum of a smaller size, highly doubtful it would be good enough to retrieve enough “cells” from my cervix for an analysis. It still hurt slightly and was mostly uncomfortable but it was better. She mentioned that my cervix is positioned differently and I felt so apologetic for troubling this lady with my “abnormal cervix” that I even apologised. She told me that I would have to come back for another screen if the lab thinks the cell sample she had gotten was insufficient. I was terrified at the prospect of going back. Thankfully, the result came back negative and I was informed my next screen would be in 3 years. I should mention that she did give me the option to quit the test but I’ve always been a trooper, so, I stayed. I have to mentally prepare myself for my next screen and I think I will have my earphones in at my next appointment.
The loudest voices usually drown out the “other” and they are not always accurate. I just think, how many women have kept quiet about this pain because they were told there is something wrong with them, because of loud voices such as this one, and how has this stifled the innovation of a better speculum for the woman with an inverted cervix, who feels pain.
To be fair, the doctor on Twitter sounds like a pushy Nigerian doctor, who is only concerned about the results and not the state of mind of the patient. Perhaps, this is a massive generalisation of Nigerian doctors. Perhaps, this case is only isolated to “Twitter Nigerian doctors”. Either way, it annoys me.
I found a blogpost written by Dr. Streicher and she has a humorous and interesting take on this.
Here is a snippet from her blogpost.
“Finally, if you are not an easy fit, I would skip the martinis, but you’re probably better off seeing a gynecologist as opposed to a general doctor for your annual exam. Gynecologists are not only the most experienced at inserting speculums, but have multiple sizes that vary in length, width and how far they open.”
In all honesty, while her accomplishment is impressive, I trust her judgement without even meeting her, because she acknowledges that I exist and I am not the problem.
Thank you for reading/listening to today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new blog post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone, I hope you’re all doing well and remembering to pray the rosary. Recently, I’ve taken some time to learn more about the concept of marriage as understood by the Catholic Church, so as to guide me. I vaguely recall listening to a priest on a podcast, a while ago, where…
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone! I hope you are all doing well and you remember to pray the rosary. For quite a while now, I’ve felt as though I have nothing meaningful to share—like I have no voice. Whenever I wanted to express something, it always seemed like the timing was off, or my words…
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone. Remember to pray the rosary! When I was a kid, I would sometimes hear an orchestra playing in my head. The music was so beautiful, and I wished I could play it out, but I didn’t know how to play any instrument other than the recorder, and I wasn’t very…
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary! January was a long and busy month, and I’m still working on getting back into my daily mass routine after returning from Houston and moving recently. I am thankful to God for another month in this new year. Since my last blog post, I’ve learned…
Hi everyone. Welcome to another episode on my blog, Katmira’s blog, or podcast, Amara’s Musings, depending on which platform you are listening in on or reading.
At the risk of stating the obvious, the Year 2021 ends in 2 days. I started the year with God and I am ending it ever aware of God’s presence and hand in my life. I feel loved by God and I know nothing comes close to touching that. I am aware that I am loved just because. It is a very strong knowledge and a beautiful place to be in. I hope to stay here forever. I am thankful I have God as my Father. I pray He watches over and guides our every move and decision in the New Year. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
I decided to write a love letter to myself. Perhaps, you will be able to read or listen to my love letter, tell yourself you are beautiful and truly believe it. Thank you in advance for reading or listening to this post. Thank you for sticking with me throughout the year, when I was consistent and not so much that. Thank you for the compliments. I am thankful that my voice has brought peace to you. Thank you to all who promoted my blog and podcast. It means a lot to this girl who wants to reach as many hearts as possible but still stay hidden. And as always, I hope you enjoy this!
Dear Me,
Hi there! What a year you’ve had. You started the year not sure of what direction your career or future was going to go but you had trust in God and which ever way He meant for you to go and you persevered.
Thank you for being courageous this year. Actually, you have been pretty courageous these past four years being in a foreign country with no family around you.
I guess instead, thank you for choosing courage every single time this year you could have let fear and doubt get the best of you. For the numerous times you have chosen love, thank you Me. For the times, you have risen above and allowed the Holy Spirit to lead you, Thank you.
The bible says that we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s Love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who have been given to us (Romans 5:3-8). You are going to need that perseverance, courage, hope and trust in God and His Love once again in the New Year, love.
Look at you. You are no longer in crippling pain. Living is so much easier now.
Look at you. You are no longer in darkness. You feel. You laugh and feel your laughter bubbling over in your chest.
Thank you for choosing to grow. Thank you for reaching this level of self love, growth and self-confidence. I know you still have ways to go but you are always willing to do the work.
Thank you for choosing to reach this level of knowing God and wanting to know more of Him.
I can’t believe how far you have come. You can only go up from here with God’s help.
Thank you for choosing love and being willing to trust in love again. Since God is love, it makes absolute sense that you would always come back to the core of who you’ve always been.
Thank you for choosing peace. Thank you for choosing you.
To the beautiful me,
Who is just beginning to grasp how beautifully made she truly is.
Signed Me,
Who is in love with all that she is, everything, the up, down and the in-between.
You can subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new blog post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Dear Me, By Cynthia Aralu (Audio Recording)
Amara’s Musings
A Beautiful Song to Listen to! Have a Listen!
Another beautiful song to listen to. I could not decide on which song from for King and Country to share today, so, I thought why choose one when you can share 2 good things😄. Hey, have a listen!
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary! How is everyone doing? I came close to not creating this post but my future self in less than 2 hours might be disappointed. So, here we go… It has been a long year! My year started off on a high note with me passing…
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary! Have you ever wondered what a happy death is? I did at the start of my reversion to the Catholic faith, since I prayed the Rosary regularly; the intention of the 4th Glorious Mystery (The Assumption of Mother Mary into Heaven) being a “Happy Death”,…
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary! I have been going through some things which I shan’t go into details about, but I will say this, I have learnt that a stranger will give love more readily than someone you consider close. Better to run to that stranger, than someone you think…
By Cynthia Aralu I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a…
It has been a while since I have written with the intention to post, or should I say, anything that I categorise as worthwhile to post or something that doesn’t give people ammo to try to manipulate me.
It is inevitable to share a ton when I bare my soul to the e-notepad. However, in the past I mostly wrote in such a way as not to be understood per say, and yet, giving the reader free rein to feel and come to their own interpretation. I definitely found it interesting and lovely to find people engaging with my words.
I wrote something this night. It is so short that I wonder if it can be categorised as poetry. However, here it is. Enjoy!
Because I’m Alive
By Cynthia Aralu
I guess those things are things you can worry about;
Because I am alive.
Isn’t it silly that you worry when I am alive?
Because I’m Alive By Cynthia Aralu (Audio Recording)
And that’s it. I told you it was short. Thank you for reading or listening.
If you would like to hear more poetry from me or hear more content from me, you can follow me on my blog, to get notified whenever I post a new content or you can follow me on my podcast. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new blog post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account. Cheers!
By Cynthia Aralu About 4 or 5 days ago, I dreamt that I saw Jesus. I would have known the exact day, if I’d written it down when I told myself to. He was so large and I was so small. His face was neutral one minute, The next, He had a frown. His eyes…
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary! Two days ago, I went to the mall with my mom and I saw a penguin and a sea lion for the first time. It was truly beautiful. I was amazed to see God’s creatures and thankful to God for giving me beauty to see, as I…
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary. I wondered if I should post this. I wrote it down in my notes to remind me of the goodness of God to me. I considered if it will ever go up here, prayed about it as I edited my notes, and left it alone. But on…
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary! I have thinking that it is possible that my charism is prayer. I do not know this for sure but I have a strong belief of this. Maybe 2 or 3 nights ago, I had a dream in which I was lying in bed and I thought…
It feels like everyday I am learning. And although it is really beautiful to learn and to grow, I wish I know it all but I know that I know nothing at all.
I have grown up holding people to certain expectations and getting upset when they didn’t meet them. My mom was the first. And she just couldn’t meet any of them. Expectations I never voiced by the way. She was a widowed mother of 5, hustling and struggling to provide for the family the best way she knew how to, in a country such as Nigeria, and having grown up with certain values instilled into her, my expectations were a bit much. Do you think I would have hurt less if I had been a little bit more analytical of the situation? Maybe.
Expectations are so natural to have for people we care about and we believe our expectations are justified just because we would do for that person what we are expecting from them.
When you would do something for someone but they won’t do the same, it makes you feel unimportant to them. You see, your ego feels slighted and so you get hurt or upset but sometimes, it really is not personal. Granted, sometimes, people are just shit. But sometimes, that’s not the case. It honestly is what they really need because of their circumstance. This is a tough pill to swallow. That they would choose to put their needs over you. Once again, this causes a battle of the ego. It is the heart’s want to be valued just as much as it values. However, do you stop loving because you are not loved back? Or do you move as your heart flutters, for as long as it does? Besides, isn’t it a thing of self love for them to put themselves first? Should you not be proud of them?
I have a weird mind.
I listened to a woman speak on expectations. She said that us humans expect so much of people, but in truth, we do not hold ourselves to the same standards. Take for instance getting a gym membership because you feel it is important to you that you exercise regularly but you only ever show up once.
This gave me a greater perspective on expectations. You see, we do not love or like ourselves any less for not meeting our expectations of ourselves but get all worked up and pull back from people who don’t meet our expectations of them. Perhaps, when we get to a point where we are able to meet a considerable number of expectations we have set for ourselves, then we can be upset when someone doesn’t meet our expectations.
I’m not saying that people should not be held accountable when they do unkind things to you. I guess you’ve got to ask yourself if what they did came from a place of hate or an intention to hurt or manipulate.
Even then, is it worth it to hold on to the baggage of their actions?
Once again, I am not advocating for holding on to toxic people because they will suck on your joy for sustenance until you are just as joyless as they are.
It is so hard not to have expectations. I am still on that journey. But the one thing I seem to be getting right is leaning in the direction that my heart would like to fall. I believe it’s the only way I would be happy.
Thank you for reading or listening to today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, katmira’s blog to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new blog post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary! I said in a previous post that I could not find a catholic teaching that pointed specifically to my job situation but there are actually catholic teachings. I saw them in the publication and did not realize they were actual Catholic teachings. I also did not read…
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary! I started off before I began to write this, to pray to God for His help with writing this post on Hope. I told Him that I don’t really know if I am the best to write about “Hope” and I do not know much what to…
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone. Pray the Rosary! Last year on June 08, I pondered deeply after watching an IG reel of a non-Catholic Christian where she had scornfully said Catholicism is a religion that believes in objects or something like that but Christians believe only in Jesus. It inspired me to write a lot…
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone. Pray the Rosary. This week, within a short period of time, I started and completed the book “The Secret of the Rosary” written by St. Louis Marie de Montfort, thanks to the audiobook on Spotify. See link here: The Secret of the Rosary It is the most powerful book I have…
The worst thing that ever happened to me was when my little sister, as a kid, slipped down the stairs of our home and slammed the back of her head against the edge of the last step. I remember watching her lifeless body lifted up at the base of the staircase, not too far from the scene of the accident, and we gathered round, all scared. I’m not sure who did the lifting. Probably my mom. I know they certainly yelled her name repeatedly but she did not respond. I thought for sure she was dead, so I gave a blood curdling scream, but no one looked in my direction. To be fair, I don’t think they heard. Somehow in my head, I’d believed that nothing as bad as my dad dying could ever happen to us anymore because we had had our fair share of tragedy.
I took slight steps back, rapidly going into shock, when that child opened her eyes and moved around like nothing had happened. Our enquiry of her well-being yielded a positive answer. My older brother, unsatisfied with the answer, did the “how many fingers can you see” test. Mind you, he was only 3 years older than her. We waited patiently, with bated breaths, for her answer and laughed with delirious relief, when it was the right one. I think she was checked out by a doctor later on.
She had a secondary school entrance exam that same day and she went for it like none of this had happened. We never talk about that day and I never think about it. I don’t know what has sprung this memory to my mind now. It makes me cry. It also fills me with gratitude to God.
That child is now an adult and she still constantly amazes me with her mind, her heart and her hustle spirit.
Thank you for reading or listening to today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, katmira’s blog to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new blog post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone! (Pray the Rosary) I watched a video recently of someone scoffing at the word “baptism” and saying they don’t do that at his church but they do something else, although it does involve water. I could not listen to the end of the video so I don’t know the full…
By Cynthia Aralu Images from https://catholicconvert.com/meaning-of-sacred-and-immaculate-hearts/ Hi everyone! (Pray the Rosary) This is imperfect and very rough, but I wrote down my reflections while praying the Seven Sorrows of the Blessed Virgin Mary, and I thought I would refine it a bit and put it here just in case anyone needs help meditating on the…
By Cynthia Aralu Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary. I hope you are doing well! I write this knowing that for the past week or so I have been plagued in my body, in an on and off manner, with temptation, and it all started with a dream, in which I saw a form at the…
By Cynthia Aralu Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary. During Lent, I came to the conclusion, I believe through God’s help, that I have a difficulty feeling empathy for the Passion and Suffering of Jesus, so I begged Jesus, in front of the blessed sacrament, to help me to feel His pain even if I have…
Katmira's Blog 