Category Archives: Prayer

For An Increase in Faith

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone. Remember to pray the Rosary!

I suppose I should say Happy New Year, or rather, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you all. The future feels overwhelmingly long, so I’m choosing to follow Jesus’ words and focus on today, because each day has enough worries of its own. I’m thankful to God for His forgiveness, for helping me to keep praying, for holding me close, and for never letting me go. I’m aware of how often I fall short in loving Him as I should. It is a source of unhealthy grief and I don’t believe it helps me, however, my knowledge of what helps me is limited, so there is a chance that even in this conclusion, I am wrong. Since, in all things, God works for good, for those who love Him. Life moves so quickly, so I’m trying to take things slower and to be at peace with the things I cannot control.

I wrote most of this post, perhaps on the first week of last December, but never got around to sharing it. I’m glad I finally am.

This is a post about faith. It feels connected with a recent encounter I had with a man on a plane on the eve of Christmas, who’d introduced himself as Anglican, whom I’d come to realise was lacking in faith, love and perhaps, hope. I was moved to pray for him and his family, and as well for an increase in faith in myself; not that the encounter led me to doubt but because I know I am not infallible. After this prayer, I soon realized that I too, through a lack of knowledge and unaddressed doubt or should I say “confusion”, was lacking in faith. It was ugly but thanks to God, it did not last, because it is the very nature of faith to carry on even when knowledge lags behind, and I am grateful for the ministry of reconciliation. So here I am, praying that Jesus saves me from this body of death. Thanks be to God, for He has loved me enough to show me, so I know His work is not finished yet.

To have faith when you have been let down over and over again is not an easy thing to do. I don’t think I was always skeptical. I think it became my defense mechanism against the lies I was always so gullible to believe growing up, lies that did not even make sense. I believe it played a role in me falling out of faith when I became much older, although I cannot say it was the only reason. In a world full of deception, selfishness, cruelty, disregard for life and limitations, it is better to put your faith in God, who is Truth, Love, Life and Unchanging, than to put your faith in man.

The bible says, “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for. The conviction of things not seen”. I recall writing a post about the point of life a little close to five years ago, April 4, 2021, to be exact (as seen in my notes). This was at a time I had returned back to a belief in God, as more of a unshakable conviction than a logical conclusion. I must add that no matter what logical conclusion one has, without a conviction, one is not able to come to faith, because not everything is seen or known, no matter how smart the argument sounds for the existence of God; this is because we are quite foolish after all, and the wisdom of men is foolishness to God. Once one has faith, all other argument contrary to the existence of God, or suggestions that it is impossible to know, becomes utter foolishness and is rejected with a vim, “God forbid”. This is because it is the character of faith to know, with a conviction reverberating throughout your very being, without knowing everything.

In any case, I read my writing from years ago and it seemed bizarre to me. I am also uncertain in totality what I believed in, since I did not see any point of life back then, even after believing in God. From reading my writing, I can only conclude that I lacked hope. I also lacked the things which people would typically state as the point of life, and what I did have, was so distant, that I could not latch on to the idea of it. From a place of poverty, I’d set out to write out my thoughts in order to prove that there was no meaning to life, however, by God’s providence, I ended up proving to myself, logically, that God exists.

I argued back then that the actual search for a point to life is futile because if life did not exist, there would be no search for its meaning. To my mind back then, the idea of a point to life only stemmed from life’s existence so, it was inaccurate for people to say helping others is in essence what gives life meaning, because the point to life could not stem from the actions of the people existing. I believed life’s point had to exist outside of life and demand that life functions in the way it was created to function. And so, if we were to ascribe to life, an External Creator who determines life’s function, then, the Creator’s Will becomes the point of life. The rest of my writing went quite dark and ended with me saying life seemed pretty pointless.

Back then, I held up 2 possibilities if we were to consider an External Creator. The first possibility was that humans are high functioning beings with wants and desires. As a result, the need for choice could not be escaped because of that very design. However, if the idea of the Creator’s Will being the point of life is the standard, this idea strips an individual of the individual’s will, leaving that individual a shell waiting to be commanded and nothing more. Just like a remote control cannot argue about the reason for its existence. The second possibility was that it is the Creator’s Will that we exist exactly as we have been created, complex and different, free to make our decisions and chase our desires, (I believe I thought this was as long as it did not go against The Creator’s Will, although I cannot be certain of this addition as I have inserted it as I’m writing this, and I distrust my memory), and when we can no more, to die, in a natural process or circle of life. When I considered that, I concluded that the point to life could possibly be defined as the sum of all we amount to or our fate in life. I considered how unfair and uncertain fate is and decided that life seemed pretty pointless. I believed people confused the point to life with what I termed “anchors to life” or reasons for living, such as family, love, friendship etc. I considered that perhaps there was more out there, a world that we are unaware of, but even if we gained all of that knowledge, it would not really matter or change the situation of the world. The way I saw it, I was lucky to have my family, and if that luck persevered, maybe I would have the love I desired. So, for one who’d thought I’d come back to Christ, I had come to a worldly conclusion.

I have come to a third possibility, I believe through God’s providence, which builds on truth within the first and the second possibilities, which I believe is true: If life did not exist, there would be no search for its meaning. The idea that there is a point to life only stems from the very fact that life exists. The point of life cannot be derived from the actions of the people existing as a primary principle, since if life did not exist, there will be no search for its meaning. Life’s point has to exist outside of life and demand that life functions in the way it was created to function. So, we can consider the Force or Power that exists outside of life and demands that life functions the way it has been created, an Immortal Creator (God), able to drive life in the direction He pleases. We can deduce from how precise and intricate creation is that there are no accidents and as such, there must be a clear plan for creation. In our human understanding, we would call a device that fails to do what it was created to do, “faulty”. However if the creator of a device dies, the device does not lose the meaning for its creation and if not faulty, is able to continue existing after its creator is dead. Without God, we would have no meaning since everything will cease to exist. From this point of view of our existence in relationship with God, it suggests that God is the Uncreated Primary Cause, and His creation are created secondary causes.

Humans have been created to be high functioning and complex, having wants and desires, the ability to search out the meaning of its creation, and to participate in it as a driving force. This reveals God’s desire that we have our own will, in order that we choose. However, since God is Creator, He has designed us to exist in the manner we have been created to exist. In order for creation to be, there has to be God’s Design and God’s Law for His creation, which humans participate in as a driving force. It follows that choosing God’s Will keeps us in God’s design, but rejecting God’s Will, throws us out of God’s design for us. To be able to choose at all God’s Will or to reject God’s Will, we would need to know what God’s Will is. This need we have to know of God and His desires, reveals that there is a type of relationship that God desires with humans.

In addition, when one considers that an all-powerful God created the universe, desired humans to know Him, and gave us the free will to choose; I suppose this gives evidence of the nature of God, which is Pure Love, because given the choice, humans can love you or hate you. God chose that vulnerability. God being Love itself, did not force us to love Him out of compulsion even if it meant we could reject Him. This reveals another nature of Love. Love is not driven by the need of one party over the detriment of the other party. So, The Creator has to be a God infinitely more powerful than we can imagine to create the universe, and irrevocably Love to have created us.

It could not be a sadistic situation either for human beings to choose God’s will, given that when one reaches discernment of what love is, we know that Love is pure, Love is good, Love is truth, Love is life, Love wills the best for you, Love is joyful, Love never ends. I can conclude from the nature of love that in living according to God’s will, humans were joyful and full of life at some point. If you consider our current human experience, you will see evidence of a lack of joy, a lack of truth and an abundance of death because of lies, selfishness, cruelty and a disregard for life. It is possible to discern that something must have happened to us to bring about this change from love, joy and life, to what it is now. Something that took us away from God’s will for us. Something that made us broken.

If you look into all the stories in the world which speak of God, none of them relates the nature of God from the point of view of God creating us, in a way that gives a snapshot of God’s Power, Love, Vulnerability, Care, Purity and Loving Relationship with created things, like the God of the Bible does. Nothing else fits.

The Bible, in Genesis explains that our first parents (Adam and Eve) went against God’s will. As a result of this, sin and death came into world, and today we suffer the consequence of those actions. In essence, all the evil, sickness, death and bad that you see in this world is a consequence of sin. The Old testament tells a story of a God who loved the world so much, He set a plan in motion the moment humans sinned and fell away from His Design, in order to save them, because He is a God that does not rejoice in the death of the wicked. In His Divine Plan, He set apart a people for Himself (Israel) through whom He gave the world a Divine Law (The Ten Commandments).

The problem with sin is that it corrupts everything, and one of those things corrupted is the human intellect and the human will. As a result, after the fall, humans did whatever they felt was right in their eyes, which did not necessarily mean it was good, because on the one hand, humans enjoy sinning, and on the other hand, it can sometimes be hard to discern because of the darkened intellect, and also, we do the things that we do not want to do because of a weakened will. God knew the people He set apart for Himself were imperfect, unable to keep the Law, but it was necessary to give the Law so that what is sin may be revealed through the transgression of His Law, so that we come to knowledge of the gravity of sin which is death, so that God’s Justice and Mercy is magnified and so that humans stop destroying themselves and others. We are like foolish toddlers set on killing ourselves through our interaction with the world around us.

Through the Law and the Prophets God provided, He prepared a people for the coming of the Perfect Sacrifice to take away the sin of the world, Jesus Christ. And through the perfect everlasting sacrifice of Jesus Christ, His Son, in the likeness of sinful man, sin was condemned in the flesh. If sin is not condemned, God is not Just, but if there is no mercy, God is not merciful. This is why Christ’s sacrifice is the One Perfect Sacrifice. Jesus received the justice for our sins. Hence, those who have died in the flesh with Christ and now have new life through Christ’s resurrection, have their sins washed away, a regeneration of a new heart and have received an outpouring of the Spirit of God; the Spirit of adoption as heirs of God, being co-heirs with Jesus Christ.

What great love God has for us that while we were still sinners, He sent His Son into the world knowing that He would be killed by humans because the world hates all that is Good, Pure and Holy. Through Jesus’ entry into the world, we see that suffering is an inescapable part of existing in a broken world, but there is dignity and purpose in suffering well, when united with Jesus’ suffering. Through Jesus’ obedience and His sacrifice, God lifted Him up and gave Him a name that is above any other name. So, we know with a knowing that is conviction, a gift from God, that if we live through Him, In Him and With Him, we have the justification of a clean conscience before God, a crown of glory and immortality in God’s presence, where there is fullness of life and peace.

From this third possibility, I can see in fact, that the point of life is relationship with God, and from what I have come to know and believe, I can see that this relationship can only be through Jesus Christ, His Son.

Relationship does not negate religion. It is through the system of religion which Jesus Himself instituted, in establishing His Church, through Peter, “the rock”, and supported by the Apostles, the pillars of the Catholic Church, in a succession that spans nearly two (2) millennia, that we are able to have a relationship with God through Jesus.

The bible points out religious practices which are pleasing to God and those that are not. It never said religion is bad. So, if you’ve heard religion is bad, do a complete 180 and drop such foolish beliefs and doubt the ones or groups that told you that. There might be no malice from them but there is plenty foolishness and a blind man cannot lead a blind man. To accept such a teaching signals a spirit that craves sugary goodness without the pain of submission to authority and yes, there is pain that comes with submission. You are not able to reach pure love of God there or anywhere else other than the Church Jesus founded, which is the ONE, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church. That is, if this is your desire.

Old testament:

  • Is not this the fast that I choose: to loose the bonds of wickedness, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover him, and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?

New testament:

  • Jesus speaking: And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church (singular), and the powers of death shall not prevail against it.
  • If any one thinks he is religious, and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this man’s religion is vain. Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot was used as an editing tool.

A great song to listen to!

Ave Maria, Gratia Plena

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone. Remember to pray the Rosary!

It’s been a long time since my last post. These days, I feel as though I’m moving between keeping my head above water, walking on solid ground and living in Heaven. I believe there is a saint who said one must walk on earth and live in Heaven. I understand subtly without grasping the full depth of what he meant.

Recently, I have considered the idea of detaching from what is good. Initially, it annoyed me to hear of this spoken, because to my thinking, I wondered why anyone should desire a dysfunction. However, I’ve come to think that one must detach from all things evil, sinful and worldly, and in addition all things good because it must be the only way to reach a pure love of God.

Some overstate the importance of understanding over the power of love. However, give me an army of 10 men who truly have pure love of God, or no…give me less with such pure love, over 300 men who do not have pure love and have only supposed understanding.

Love led me to Mary and God willing, Love will keep me there.

For a while, I misunderstood the dogma of the “Immaculate Conception” even extending into a period of time past my reversion to the Catholic Faith which happened about 3 years ago. I thought the Immaculate Conception referred to Conception of Jesus. I learnt afterwards that it was about Mary. My brother who is more knowledgeable than me about the intellectual aspect of the faith did not know this as well, to my surprise, until I told him around last Christmas with so much joy. I don’t think anyone would think that it is inappropriate to speak of the term “Immaculate Conception” because it could potentially cause confusion. This is because it is a Dogma of the Church given through the teaching office of the Church and we are obedient to the Church. I believe I only learnt about the other 3 dogmas coincidentally recently (God’s providence) due to the recent bout of confusion that swept through the Church, although I had said them for a while now as part of a Marian devotion, “The Little Crown of the Blessed Virgin Mary”.

I listened to a priest, who to me seemed to boast to be an expert in Mariology, say the average Catholic cannot recite the creed if asked to do so and yet lacking knowledge, they gave objections to the doctrinal note released by the church. His words did not inspire confidence in me.

I could not help but wonder about the other times the term “co-redemptrix” has been used by the Church. My research brought me to the Papal encyclical written by St. Pius X (Pope, canonized saint) Ad Diem Illum Laetissimum No.12, which evokes the underlying meaning of co-redemptrix (click on the link for the full text): “…And from this community of will and suffering between Christ and Mary she merited to become most worthily the Reparatrix of the lost world (Eadmeri Mon. De Excellentia Virg. Mariae, c. 9) and Dispensatrix of all the gifts that Our Savior purchased for us by His Death and by His Blood.”

I think to myself, if the term “co-redemptrix” is never appropriate to use, what is to be said about the title of Mary as the Reparatrix of the lost world, or the dispensatrix of all the gifts that Our Saviour purchased for us by His Death and by His Blood, taken from an encyclical that comes from the authentic Magisterium of the Church.

I also came across a quote of St. Augustine referenced in the Book by St. Bonaventure titled, “Mirror of the Blessed Virgin Mary” which states: “O truly blessed humility of Mary, who brought forth the Lord to men, gave life to mortals, renewed the heavens, purified the world, opened paradise, and delivered the souls of men from hell.”. This kind of language indicates a theological view where Mary’s role is a necessary, though subordinate complement to Christ’s unique redemptive work. This is the way St. Louis Marie de Montfort describes it in “True Devotion to Mary”: “Secondly, we must conclude that, being necessary to God by a necessity which is called “hypothetical”, (that is, because God so willed it), the Blessed Virgin is all the more necessary for men to attain their final end. Consequently we must not place devotion to her on the same level as devotion to the other saints as if it were merely something optional.“.

A YouTuber claimed that during the time of the saints, it may have worked well to use co-redemptrix but it is not the right language now. I could not help but feel uneasy about that explanation because Wisdom is unchanging. During my research, I learnt that St. Pope John Paul II used the term “co-redemptriix” at least 7 times, and St. Maximillian Kolbe as well.

To be honest, that explanation from the YouTuber felt to me like the same spirit that led a popular Catholic man to say he didn’t like to say “sin” when he preached the gospel, as though it did not carry the power to convict people of their sins, as though it is by his power people reach conviction for their sins and not through The Holy Spirit; him being only a subordinate and The Holy Spirit reigning supreme over all, to the Glory of God. It is the same spirit that declared not liking the description used in the bible: “the woman caught in the act of adultery”, citing how it labelled the woman, as though it did not proclaim the Glory and Mercy of God to use that description, and still the same spirit that moved a priest to change the word the priest says at Mass from “sin” to “fault” and finally, a similar spirit that filthily craves to take the focus from the sacrifice of the Mass, when all congregation had knelt down, right after the “Sanctus”, and a priest urged the congregation to close their eyes to think of the poor and pray for the poor in an extended speech before moving on to the words of consecration; never mind this could have been done at the start of mass, during the “Prayer of the Faithful” or even after the final blessing.

I listened to another famous Youtuber who seemed to be in support of the writing, but I am not inclined to give his words on Marian devotion much credence since he has had on his show, a man who said Mary was just like everybody else before her fiat, and he did not dispute it. This video in question stayed on his channel years after the fact for me to able to see it, by God’s grace. I felt clarity when I heard Two (2) priests mention it is not binding under pain of sin to not follow the instruction of the doctrinal note, one of them explaining that the doctrinal note cautions that such terms can be unhelpful if used in a way that causes confusion or seems to reduce Christ’s unique role as Redeemer. If, however, these titles are understood and explained correctly — emphasizing Mary’s participation with Christ (never equal to Him) — then their use remains completely legitimate. The other priest (Fr. Ripperger) explained statements made in the note were inaccurate because it did not communicate an understanding of Primary Cause (God) and secondary cause (all created things), and exhorted Catholics to follow the example of the saints.

To be honest, listening to the note read out loud or even reading it where it says, “Given the necessity of explaining Mary’s subordinate role to Christ in the work of Redemption, it is always inappropriate to use the title “Co-redemptrix” to define Mary’s cooperation.”, my logical conclusion was that it is never legitimate to use, but Fr. Chris Alar explained that it is, if it is not used in a way that it causes confusion. I don’t use the term “co-redemptrix” myself in devotion, although I use terms like “Mary Immaculate, Mediatrix of all graces” and “Our Mediatrix with You” when I pray the Catena Legionis, a century old prayer sanctioned by the Catholic Church as an official prayer of the Legion of Mary, a worldwide lay apostolic organization that has received official approval from the Holy See.

I think St. Louis Marie de Montfort in his book, “True Devotion to Mary”, did a good job of upholding the phrase “Slave of Mary” without diminishing it. He’d mentioned he did not condemn the use of the term, “Slave of Mary”, as He mentions he himself uses it, but affirms that it is better to speak of “slavery of Jesus in Mary” and to call oneself “slave of Jesus” rather than “slave of Mary” to avoid giving any pretext for criticism. So that in that way, the devotion is named after its ultimate end which is Jesus, rather than after the way and the means to arrive there, which is Mary. I believe it is hard to confuse the intent and the heart behind this.

To those who hate the Church, Jesus and Mary, they sensed “less love” was given to Mary, and they rejoiced foolishly. To those who love the Church, Jesus and Mary, they sensed the same, most (including myself) without understanding much but loving much, and they felt uneasy; something akin to the feeling of the enemies of the Church encroaching. To those who sense nothing, it is all the same.

I will leave you with a devotion I have prayed for a while now almost daily, known as the “Catena Legionis”. I was given pamphlets for this prayer more than once, by a very strong old woman and urged to pray for the Legion of Mary by saying the prayer daily. I once saw that old woman use her feet to lift up the heavy kneeler of the Church to put it away, and she did it so powerfully that I was left shocked because I know how heavy that kneeler is and it is not easy for me to raise it up with my feet, yet the old woman who appears frail seems to be the strongest of us all. I credit it to her frequent reception of the Holy Eucharist at Mass, her praying the Rosary (which she also would have urged me to pray if I had told her I didn’t pray it), and this devotion I have shared below. The Catena Legionis (Latin for “Chain of the Legion”) is a daily prayer for members of the Legion of Mary, a Catholic organization founded in 1921.

THE CATENA LEGIONIS

Antiphon. Who is she that comes forth as the morning rising, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, terrible as an army set in battle array?

(Make the Sign of the Cross)

v. My soul glorifies the Lord.*

R. My spirit rejoices in God, my Saviour.

v. He looks on His servant in her lowliness;* henceforth all ages will call me blessed.

R. The Almighty works marvels for me.* Holy His name!

v. His mercy is from age to age,* on those who fear Him.

R. He puts forth His arm in strength* and scatters the proud-hearted.

v. He casts the mighty from their thrones* and raises the lowly.

R. He fills the starving with good things,* sends the rich away empty.

v. He protects Israel His servant,* remembering His mercy,

R. The mercy promised to our fathers,* to Abraham and his sons for ever.

v. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit.

R. As it was in the beginning is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.

Antiphon. Who is she that comes forth as the morning rising, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, terrible as an army set in battle array?

v. O Mary, conceived without sin.

R. Pray for us who have recourse to you.

Let us pray.

O Lord Jesus Christ, our Mediator with the Father, Who has been pleased to appoint the Most Blessed Virgin, Your mother, to be our mother also, and our mediatrix with You, mercifully grant that whoever comes to You seeking Your favours may rejoice to receive all of them through her. Amen.

CONCLUDING PRAYERS

Make the Sign of the Cross) In the name of The Father, and of The Son and of The Holy Spirit. Amen..

We fly to your patronage, O holy Mother of God; despise not our prayers in our necessities, but ever deliver us from all dangers, O glorious and blessed Virgin.

v. Mary Immaculate, Mediatrix of all Graces (or Invocation appropriate to Praesidium)

R. Pray for us.

v. Sts. Michael, Gabriel and Raphael

R. Pray for us.

v. All you heavenly Powers, Mary’s Legion of Angels

R. Pray for us.

v. St. John the Baptist

R. Pray for us.

v. Saints Peter and Paul

R. Pray for us.

Confer, O Lord, on us, who serve beneath the standard of Mary, that fullness of faith in You and trust in her, to which it is given to conquer the world. Grant us a lively faith, animated by charity, which will enable us to perform all our actions from the motive of pure love of You, and ever to see You and serve You in our neighbour; a faith, firm and immovable as a rock, through which we shall rest tranquil and steadfast amid the crosses, toils and disappointments of life; a courageous faith which will inspire us to undertake and carry out without hesitation great things for Your glory and for the salvation of souls; a faith which will be our Legion’s Pillar of Fire – to lead us forth united – to kindle everywhere the fires of divine love – to enlighten those who are in darkness and in the shadow of death – to inflame those who are lukewarm – to bring back life to those who are dead in sin; and which will guide our own feet in the way of peace; so that – the battle of life over – our Legion may reassemble, without the loss of any one, in the kingdom of Your love and glory. Amen.

May the souls of our departed legionaries and the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen.

(Make the Sign of the Cross) In the name of The Father, and of The Son and of The Holy Spirit. Amen.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Ave Maria!

Through this Valley of Tears

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone. Here’s your reminder to pray the Rosary.

I told my baby brother last week that it wasn’t until I suffered hardship—not that I hadn’t suffered before—that I could really feel and resonate with the “Hail Holy Queen” prayer. Especially the part that mentions “this valley of tears”.

That line—“To thee do we send forth our sighs, mourning and weeping in this valley of tears…”—felt real to me, as I lived it. Although my past suffering was no less real, I suppose it hadn’t been accompanied by prayer in this way before, and perhaps, it took that moment for me to resonate very deeply with the prayer. I suppose, some things cannot be fully explained.

I will be sharing bits of what has been happening lately. I hope it blesses someone who needs it.

Visual Sensitivity

I mentioned previously that I suspected I might have a visual sensitivity. Recently, my symptoms worsened—worse light sensitivity, worse blurry text on computer screens, new burning, and new pain—so I went to see an optometrist. It was uncomfortable to voice what I’d been experiencing, especially since it didn’t make much sense to me. The initial eye exam showed my vision was fine, but further tests revealed iritis in my left eye and severe dry eyes in both.

Thankfully, the iritis was caught early and only had to treated with prednisone drops. Thanks be to God, it’s now resolved. My optometrist advised me to return if I experience any symptoms like I did, as iritis can recur. But that leaves me uncertain: dry eye symptoms are similar to the symptoms of iritis, so how would I know the difference? I also don’t know what exactly caused either.

While both conditions explain my sensitivity to light and contrast perception challenges, they don’t fully account for past experiences. For example, when I lived in Lagos (Nigeria), there were times I felt pain behind my eyes that forced me to go to sleep to rest my eyes or essentially close the affected eye (I don’t remember which). Back then, I wasn’t using screens much and stayed indoors a lot. When I voiced the pain from when I was younger, my optometrist told me Alberta’s dry air could be the culprit, but I’m doubtful since I lived in humid Lagos (Nigeria) then and I didn’t have the additional symptoms I experienced recently.

I remember a photo taken outdoors when I was a teenager—my eyes were squinted so tightly they were nearly shut. At the time, I blamed the bright sunlight, but now I wonder. I don’t think the others who posed in the same spot struggled. It’s funny how that one moment stuck with me. I had to retake the photo because I was told my eyes were closed, so I’d forced them open, and I think, if memory serves me well, they even watered. That memory resurfaced recently when I watched a video of a mother describing her daughter’s sensitivity to sunlight causing her to close her eyes (although hers is probably worse). It made me pause—was that reaction not typical?

I also remember living in London (UK) and experiencing eye pain and headaches just from looking out a window—even though it wasn’t particularly bright. I figured maybe my eyes had just grown unaccustomed to light after so many gloomy days. There were also times during my walk home from work when I’d feel nauseous and get headaches from the flickering sunlight flitting through the tall shrubs/plants along the path. Something about that shifting light threw me off. I actually recall avoiding the sunlight. Did I wear sunglasses too afterwards? I’m not sure. A similar thing also happened here in Canada, and even while riding in a moving car.

My memory isn’t perfect, and I’ve not really been keeping very good track of these episodes. I just keep pushing through life, managing everything as best I can, without ever stopping to consider that maybe this isn’t entirely usual.

This is just my thought—I could be wrong, and maybe I won’t truly know until I’m face to face with God, or He chooses to reveal something more clearly in this valley of tears. But I think the visual sensitivity was always there. It’s just that the iritis and dry eyes pushed my symptoms from something manageable to something more distinct and disruptive. My optometrist assures me my vision is fine and that we should focus on treating the dry eyes. In any case, I’m giving thanks to God for revealing the iritis in time for it to be treated with just one medication, and for also bringing the dry eyes to light, something I’ll try to manage better, though I admit it’s hard to keep up with everything I’ve been advised to do.

Honestly, I think it was finally putting on those sunglasses on my final driving test that stirred a reckoning within me that there might be something wrong. I believe God was gently nudging me to take it seriously.

************************************************

My Inheritance

Something unsettling happened at work recently. An error was found in a protocol, and the author who is the PI denied making the change or knowing who made the change—implicitly casting suspicion on me. Since in that situation, the modification could only have come from either of us, he did not have to say that I made the change for anyone to believe that I made the change. He just had to deny making the change or deny knowing who made the change. However, I don’t have the authority to submit changes to Health Canada or the REB without the PI’s explicit approval, even if I edit the protocol under his direction or in an effort to improve it. Despite this, a team member, who has often seemed antagonistic, nearly accused me outright, and did so in front of my team lead.

I was placed in a difficult position where I had to defend myself and provide proof—through emails and document history, including the audit trail in our tracked Word protocol file—that the changes had been made by the PI. Even after presenting clear evidence, the tone remained unchanged. My team lead later spoke with the team member who just about accused me, and together they reviewed the documentation. According to my team lead, she only grudgingly acknowledged that I wasn’t at fault.

I felt deeply anxious and unsettled. Honestly, I felt unsafe, but when I shared this with someone, they reduced it to me simply feeling bad. Another had told me that maybe the PI forgot he made the change, but he was provided email evidence twice, and told to his face twice but it did not make a dent. Even if he missed the second email, I had already informed him in person after the first—shouldn’t that have prompted him to check? Was he truly unaware? That’s between him and God. But I don’t think it’s fair to place the burden on me to make sense of his actions.

I think it is difficult for some people to feel empathy until they are on the receiving end. The truth is, I didn’t just feel bad, I felt unsafe, accused and undermined. Is it really unreasonable to think that I would feel this way?

In any case, I’m profoundly grateful to God that I had the evidence to support myself from every angle, because even someone tried to bring forward an angle of how it could also have been my fault, which I had to refute to the person’s silence.

Bits of a bible passage came to my mind during this period, “You will refute every tongue…it is your inheritance.”, or something like it. Here is the full passage:

“no weapon that is fashioned against you shall prosper, and you shall confute every tongue that rises against you in judgment.
This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord and their vindication from me, says the Lord.”

Isaiah 54:17

Now, what if there were no emails or document history, what would have happened? Even with truth available, I still received hostility.

I could see the availability of evidence as a gift from God and I felt the weight of responsibility to handle this well. I came close to going too far in defending the truth, but even then, God called me back. I am thankful to God for His mercy on me.

I wasn’t perfect. I felt like a mess. But my baby brother reassured me that I was taking the necessary steps, and that meant a lot. I found myself voicing emotions I hadn’t expressed before, navigating unfamiliar territory in how I responded to others who acted strangely to me. I don’t have all the answers about this situation. I’m still learning how to act toward those involved, and I’ve wrestled with whether praying a Psalm for my accusers is the most charitable thing to do, but it is a prayer from the Bible, and it is the Word of God, which I cannot dispute is good. However, I have been commanded by God in the Bible to bless my enemies and not to curse them. I told God that I don’t wish for their destruction. Still, I prayed the Psalm because it is the Word of God, as well as variations or inspirations from the Psalms, while also praying for their shame and repentance and trusting that it is all up to God. I do not say all this here so you follow in my footsteps. I don’t know the truth. Ask your priest. (PS: I hadn’t gone looking for the Psalms. It was simply there—on the facing page of one I recite often—and I think for the first time that night, my eyes caught the brief description at the top of my childhood Bible: “Prayer against accusers” and I jumped at it because there was a prayer for what I was going through).

I think I felt lighter the morning after praying that Psalm and listening to others as I lay in bed before sleep. Afterwards, I believe I brought everything I could remember and understood to bring to confession, including the things I was unsure of. I didn’t receive any counselling at confession. I received absolution and penance which I believe God felt is sufficient.

One thing I know for certain is: without God, I am nothing.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

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A great song to listen to!

No Small Feat

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Here’s your reminder to pray the Rosary.

Today, I am going to share my journey towards obtaining my driver’s license in Alberta. It has been filled with setbacks, imperfections, and difficult moments. Yet through it all, I’m thankful that God sustained me, never let me go, and faithfully brought me to the other side.

It all began in 2023 with me studying for the knowledge test. It took me such a long time to go through the driving manual from front to back. Still, I failed the knowledge test on my first try and barely passed on my second attempt. By God’s grace, I managed to guess the last few questions correctly and scored 25 out of 30—the minimum passing mark. I was overjoyed. I had assumed I would fail again with only maybe one or two questions left, so this felt like a miracle. I want to preface this by saying that many people do pass on their first try—like my older brother, whose “really?” face I still remember, when he heard I had failed. I don’t think the knowledge test in Alberta is excessively difficult. It was just challenging for me.

The next hurdle was learning to drive on the road. I enrolled in a driving school’s program that included an online course and road course package. Completing the program would earn me a certificate that could help reduce insurance costs and shorten the Class 5 GDL (probationary license) period from two years to 18 months. Driving was tougher than I expected. Ten hours of instruction didn’t seem enough. My instructor suggested more practice, so I drove occasionally with my older brother and rarely with a friend who lent me his car. The driving school required me to meet a certain score on their evaluation sheet before issuing the certificate.

In late 2023, I paused lessons because of winter approaching and the thought of driving induced a lot of anxiety. But when spring or summer arrived in 2024, I reached out to the school, determined to earn the certificate. I completed 18 hours of road training in total with the school before she declared me road-ready and issued the certificate, but I still didn’t feel confident. My heart would pound every time I sat behind the wheel. The criticisms I’d heard were loudest.

I took my first driving test using a registry car. Its analog accelerator gauge was unfamiliar, and its acceleration was jerky and the brakes required extra pressure than I was used to, so my nerves grew, and I missed a stop sign while entering a parking lot. We didn’t get on the highway. On my second attempt, I had the same tester. My anxiety was worse. He believed I should’ve paused for a vehicle with the right-of-way, but I proceeded, thinking I had enough space and time. I failed again. I don’t clearly remember the next four tests. At one point, I even considered taking herbal medicine to calm myself down but I don’t think I wanted to rely on that so, ultimately I decided to leave everything to God. I prayed a daily novena to Our Lady Undoer of Knots (although it is supposed to end at 9 days), even when I wasn’t driving. After I failed the 6th road test, which I’d felt God called me to go ahead and take, I took a break from testing in 2024. During this final test of 2024 (attempt #6), I sensed the anxious feeling quietly leave me while I drove. I realised that praying the Novena to Our Lady undoer of knots daily worked so I continued it.

Around Christmas time, I drove with my sister. Her presence felt calm, safe, and warm. I did not sense any anxiety in me or her. She let me know after the drive that I could drive, made small mistakes and I just needed more confidence.

In 2025, I resumed lessons with a different school. After a series of sessions, my instructor informed me that I could drive and he seemed almost guilty to take my money for more sessions. He recommended driving on my own with some support. I felt hesitant reaching out to him again, but I eventually trained with another instructor from the same school who helped me improve in areas I knew I struggled with.

In 2024, I had purchased prescription polarised sunglasses, and found out that driving in socks helped me control speed and steering better. But by 2025, I realised I could still manage with snug shoes even though wearing socks gave me better control, and I felt comfortable enough to not rely on the prescription polarized glasses. Most importantly, my heart no longer raced uncontrollably while driving, although a trace of apprehension lingered before the drive. So, I assumed I was calm while driving.

I failed my first road test this year (attempt #7) due to visual and spatial awareness challenges. I missed crucial road markings and misjudged the lane of an approaching car as I attempted a right turn. The tester applied the brakes. He allowed me to complete the test and I could surmise from the skills assessment I received that I would have passed if not for that mistake. His assessment gave me hope so, I rebooked another test about two weeks later, believing I could succeed.

I still didn’t wear my prescription polarised sunglasses. My plan was simple: if am unsure, I’d just let others go first. I wanted to drive in socks, since it had noticeably improved my speed and steering control during the earlier test. But during a lesson prior to my next attempt (#8), my instructor had noticed and insisted I wear shoes. Even though he was not present for my test, I didn’t want to be disobedient, and I wanted to honor him, so I complied. To be clear, I can drive with shoes. It’s just harder to sense the pressure I’m applying to the pedals due to low proprioception. That low sensory feedback means I could unintentionally speed—and in a test situation where everything is heightened, that is too risky. Speeding can happen in a heartbeat. So, it did on my second test. I went 40 in a 30 zone—an automatic fail. The tester let me finish the test and once again, from his assessment, I would have passed if not for that slip. I begged him to reconsider, pleading for mercy. But he refused, saying, “I cannot lie”. I was surprised by his wording. I hadn’t viewed my plea as asking him to lie—just asking for mercy.

I can’t say that I felt I had done something wrong for begging. I had even told my younger brother that maybe I should’ve begged during the first test this year (attempt #7), but I’d wanted to follow the process. Later that day, though, I reflected on the tester’s words. I had asked him for something that could compromise his integrity. And he’d declined. I felt terrible for asking, not because I intended deceit, but because I realized I had tempted him to sin. I genuinely believed mercy to be in the hands of the person who you plead your case with, and in this instance, it was this man. But, I suppose he is human and not God; and he has his responsibilities and I was placing the wrong request on him.

I felt a distrust start to creep in that God was not going to help me. Not even because He couldn’t, because He is God and He is all powerful, but because there must be a good from me failing that I cannot see or understand. I had prayed. I had faith. I worked hard (to the best of my ability), and yet I failed, even though I knew how to drive. It didn’t make sense. Life didn’t make sense. I felt kicked, beaten, and abandoned at the curbside. I felt truly defeated and I caught myself slipping back into old pattern of swearing as I spoke to my brother. It was like watching myself from the outside, stunned: I’m swearing. Why am I swearing?. By God’s grace, I stopped even though the pull was there to continue.

I considered taking a break from testing for a while. But my younger brother said “no”—firmly. He insisted I could drive and just needed to be careful. He hadn’t seen me drive, but he believed in me because minus one error I would have passed. He urged me to book another test right there at the registry. I sat on a bench close to registry, under the hot sun for a long time, until I finally went in. Later on, my sister echoed her encouragement. She worried I sounded defeated about the next test I had booked. But I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t understand. I couldn’t guarantee a different outcome. I gave thanks to God, but praying felt difficult. I felt sinful and like a failure in both my spiritual life and my earthly efforts. I felt abandoned by God and not helped by Him. Yet, I knew God had helped me because I remembered how I used to drive with my heart racing uncontrollably. And now I don’t. That change was real, even if I didn’t feel helped. I felt like nothing.

Before my first road test this year (attempt #7), I had prayed earnestly for God’s guidance—should I postpone or proceed? In the final moments leading up to the test, my prayers were answered. I received an unexpected opportunity to practice, and the weather shifted dramatically in my favor, contrary to the forecast. Even my Uber driver remarked on how beautiful the day was. I gave thanks to God out loud, taking it as a greenlight from Him to go forward. So, when I failed, I couldn’t help but wonder: Why would God tell me to go ahead if I was going to fail? I know it was definitely for good but I could not understand it. Maybe I thought I heard wrong but the answered prayers were so clear.

Prior to my second road test of this year (attempt #8), by God’s providence, I stumbled upon the story in Scripture where the Israelites (11 tribes), sought God’s guidance on whether to go to battle against the tribe of Benjamin (1 tribe). God told them to go, and they lost. Twice. It was only after they wept, fasted, offered sacrifice to God and returned to ask, not just whether they should fight, but whether they would triumph, that God assured them of victory. And they did. That story stayed with me and I decided to act like the Israelites: I fasted and prayed, seeking God’s voice not just for permission, but for outcome. During Mass, a passage was read about Jacob (Israel) wrestling with the God—a relentless grip for blessing—and leaving with a limp. That same day, my ball and socket joint had flared up and I limped slightly too, so, in my spirit, I concluded God had blessed me as well. I took it as a sign that I would pass. I can’t remember if anything else affirmed that conclusion, but I decided to have faith. So when I failed, my confusion came back, and I think I began to wonder if I’d been hearing my own voice all along and mistaking it for God’s voice. I questioned whether I had ever heard from God ever in my life. I questioned whether people deluded themselves when they said God spoke to them. I believe I concluded from scripture that God truly speaks to those He loves… or perhaps I concluded God speaks to those who truly love Him. Unclear at this point, but I think both are valid.

I went to confession the day after my 8th attempt. The priest told me that God’s message to me that day was the same one He gave to St. Paul: My grace is sufficient for you. St. Paul’s words came to me also: “I will boast all the more of my weakness”. He counselled me to trust in God’s grace and mercy, but I struggled to understand what it really meant to trust God’s mercy and grace, or what it meant to have faith or how to have faith. I questioned whether my faith was ever genuine because of my poor actions.

Daily, I ask God to interrupt my plans if they’re not aligned with His plan for me, and to move me into conformity with His plans. I’d heard someone online say this prayer, loved it and adopted it. In this time, I couldn’t help but wonder if this was just my prayer coming true. I felt a slight temptation to stop but I continued it because genuinely deep down, it is what I want even if my being revolts against it. 

I had been told by the priest at confession that the ability to do better is a gift from God and that I have it. So, in the six days leading up to attempt #9, I looked inward: what could I do better? I remembered my Apple Watch alerting me that my resting heart rate had hit 120 bpm before the previous test so, I’d removed it prior to the test to avoid distractions. I decided to check the data for the period I practiced, and my heart rate had climbed to 132 bpm. I think at the time I may have thought my baseline or lowest heart rate to be in the 50s, but I can say now that it got as low as 50 bpm on July 15th (a day before the test). So, I think it is safe to take that as a baseline. The thing is I never sensed any rise. In the past, I would hear my heart race uncontrollably but that stopped and I assumed I was calm, but the reading said otherwise. I realized my body had adapted to driving under pressure. However, the anxiety slipped into my feet, triggering unconscious sensory-seeking behavior to ground/regulate me: pressing harder on the accelerator (tactile/proprioceptive input) without noticing, due to low proprioception. I recalled all my reading last year (which I believe were guided by God) about proprioception and sensory seeking, which I’d pushed aside and did not prioritise because I didn’t feel qualified as a doctor to give a diagnosis. But on considering all of this, I decided to drive in socks on my last road test.

A day before the test, I noticed the early morning sun—mild for most—felt intense to my eyes. I got a headache and felt nauseous. I considered that perhaps my eyes could be sensitive to the sun, considering other times when I had the same reaction to what appeared to be low intensity sun but read to my eyes as high intensity. I’ve also had moments when the road appeared washed out and made it impossible to detect bends or markings but I can’t say I truly fully believed I had visual sensitivity even though I purchased prescription polarised sunglasses. I’d held back from wearing them while driving this year because I did not want to seem arrogant to the examiner and I seemed to be doing better without wearing them, but I suppose when this happened, I decided not to take any chances.

Another thing that helped me was that I stopped obsessing over each driving maneuver. I simply got in the car and drove on my 1-hour practice a day before, and my 1-hour practice the day of the test and also on the test. I also prayed “God forbid” whenever I felt trepidation sinking into my gut, and the fear retreated. This made me suspicious that perhaps, there was a problem which the enemy capitalised on and so the fear became excessive. To my mind, “God forbid” was my way of praying to God to rebuke it and also me coming out of agreement with it. I enlisted the help of everyone in Heaven (I believe), including my Guardian Angel, and I also braced my mind to accept whatever type of road condition I face. I stumbled upon an encouraging video about John Gurdon, a Nobel Prize winner in Physiology or Medicine, whose teacher had told him his ambition of being a scientist were ridiculous and a waste of time because he was bottom of a class of 250. I suppose it is already striking to me that he won a Nobel Prize in Medicine but what stood out most to me was what he said upon being congratulated and told the teacher was wrong. His response was, “Are you sure? You don’t know how many times I have done experiments that don’t work”. It was all humorous with a tinge of truth. The video spoke of perseverance and it felt God-sent.

I took my third road test this year (attempt #9) wearing prescription polarised sunglasses and socks. I passed with only 30 points off, the maximum allowed being 75, and I looked cool doing it to the glory of God. The points off were for hesitation and judgment related to hesitation (I’d wanted to be safe and to pass, and I got honked at once at a red light, where I thought it safest to wait for the person with the right of way to go by, but I’m supposing in the tester’s judgment it was not enough to fail). I learnt later on at Mass that that day (July 16th) was the Feast Day of Our Lady of Mount Carmel. When I considered it, it felt like a gentle Heavenly wink. This road test was harder than the previous two. I was taken through unfamiliar roads for the most part, which were busy, had tight corners, and construction zones. Yet, I was able to apply every lesson from my past training, including those failure had taught me. I had the same examiner as the last two times (attempt #7 and #8). This time, he opened the car door to inspect my parkings (parallel and downhill)—something he hadn’t done before and none of the testers before him ever did. I suppose he was being thorough. Good man.

Later on, I checked my heart rate data. From what is available to me, it appears to have started at 113 bpm, but during the test, it dipped into the 70s, peaked at 80 before settling at 77 bpm at 11:04 a.m. The test finished at 11:07 a.m. and I don’t have data for 3 minutes. But, essentially I was at resting heart rate for a time. And I said to myself: God is real. My heart rate seemed to spike up after the test at maybe 11:11a.m. to 127 to 130 bpm, but my assumption is that at that time, I was expecting to hear I had failed again, as I waited for his corrections to be over, but instead I heard him say I passed and that I should go inside to upgrade my license.

Someone I told about passing the test, praised my perseverance—but I overheard them say they didn’t think I would pass because I hadn’t driven much, I am guessing between the last fail and the final test or perhaps because of how spaced out my lessons were, and all the other times I’d failed. But you know what, I could not tell either, but it goes to show that human perception is limited and God’s mercy does not depend on the thoughts of people. This was no small feat.

If I could list the factors that made learning to drive especially challenging, they would include:

  • Anxiety — pervasive and gripping, especially during tests.
  • Criticism — I have come to understand there is a difference between correction to build a person up and criticism which tears you down. One corrects and proffers solution, the other tears down with no solution proffered such that the individual becomes the problem and not the issue at hand being the problem. Correct them but if they don’t take you seriously, limit your performance of anything important to you in their knowing or presence and if you can, surround yourself with people who correct to build up. You’ll be surprised how much wonders this will do for you.
  • Photosensitivity, contrast distortion & Vision Issues — The glare and reflection of sunlight sometimes caused the road to appear completely washed out, erasing clear distinctions between bends, lane markings, and surface textures, and sometimes my glasses felt insufficient to help with my short sightedness.
  • Low Spatial Awareness — gradually improved, but still not perfect; I’ve reached “safe” levels for driving. I’m more attuned to positioning, movement, and distance, though I remain mindful.
  • Low Proprioception — particularly in my feet, which made speed control and steering unpredictable at times.
  • Unclear Guidance from Instructors — Sometimes, they didn’t clearly explain how to perform actions, just expected results.
  • Lack of Regular Access to a Car — limited my ability to reinforce lessons through practice.
  • Instructor Misalignment with Examiner Expectations — I wasn’t properly taught about the expectations of the tester. For example how the tester expects a shoulder check to be until a tester flagged it. Afterwards, I exaggerated my head turns during checks, even doing multiple—and testers praised me on it in a manner I thought felt excessive but it boosted my confidence in that area. Another area was that none of my instructors even pointed out my wide right turns apart from the testers. I had to share that with them and still they didn’t tell me how to fix it, they just expected me to know. I had to figure out I had to steer a lot more. Seems simple now but I really didn’t know.
  • Low Awareness of My Body & Needs — I was often disconnected from what my body was experiencing or needing while driving.
  • Poor Nervous System Regulation — fight-or-flight responses were common and uncontrollable.
  • Difficulty Processing Test Directions — My ability to mentally process the verbal testing directions felt slow and labored, which led to delayed reactions and poor execution which triggered anxiety and a sense of panic, clouding my confidence and making it harder to perform tasks I had otherwise prepared for. This got better with time and failure.
  • Difficulty Remembering Rules to Apply them: Failing caused it to stick to memory better. I also learn better through experience than verbal communication. I process that better.
  • Discomfort with Examiner Presence — their watchful silence made me more anxious and less intuitive.
  • Discomfort with New Roads: New roads or places can feel disconcerting to me, although that didn’t seem to matter on my last test. Although I was disconcerted, letting out a shaky, thoughtful “hmmm” at certain moments, my mind and body seemed to have adapted under pressure, such that I was able to drive safely, thanks to God.
  • Difficulty Prioritizing My Comfort — I often chose to “fit in” over choosing methods that helped me drive better (like socks over shoes).
  • Distrust in My Instincts — I resisted decisions that felt right for me in order to follow what seemed normal to me or others.
  • Agreement with Anxiety — Somewhere down the line, I don’t know when, but I had accepted anxiety and this had to be broken.
  • Choosing Times Based on Traffic Hope, Not Mental Readiness — I’d select quiet times for tests, rather than mentally preparing for any road condition that God permits, and I’d face the opposite.

To anyone who thinks I’ve over-spiritualized this, I’ve come to believe that we’re meant to spiritualize everything. We are body and soul—not separate—but one integrated being, only divided at death, which was never part of God’s original plan. In the resurrection of the dead, there will be a resurrection to life and a resurrection of judgement, and in both, body and soul will be reunited. St. Paul even tells us that the battle is not merely physical—it’s a fight between the forces of God and the powers of darkness. Beneath the surface of daily life, there is a very real war between good and evil. So, I don’t believe it is excessive to examine life through a spiritual lens. It is right to honor what our natural senses are often too limited to perceive. I give thanks to God for He has done a great thing for me, undeserving as I am. Indeed, it is hard to believe. I also thank Mother Mary, my Guardian Angel, St. Joseph and all the Angels and Saints for their intercession.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot was used as an editing tool.

A great song you could listen to!

Other Posts from Me

To Jesus Through Mary—A Personal Reflection

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

I recently realized that I may not have been entirely clear about the sources of the information I’ve shared regarding devotion to Mary and the path to Jesus through her. I had thought I was, but upon reflection, I see that I could have been more precise.

My last post, ‘We are sons, not slaves,’ was inspired by two books—the Bible and True Devotion to Mary by St. Louis Marie de Montfort—as well as the teachings of the Heralds of the Gospel, a Catholic International Association of Pontifical Right that has learned from both teachers and St. Louis Marie de Montfort’s writings.

At times, I reflect on the fact that I do not have a spiritual director and have expressed this to Mary, and claimed her as my own. Yet, I also think it is fair to consider the saints as my teachers, particularly St. Louis Marie de Montfort in this case. I do not possess half of his devotion or love for Mary—and if I claimed to be close to half, that would be generous—but his words resonate with me as though they were written about my life. His prayer to Jesus feels as if I could have spoken those very words myself: “Ah, would that I could proclaim throughout the whole world the mercy that Thou hast shown to me! Would that everyone might know I should be already damned, were it not for Mary! Would that I might offer worthy thanksgiving for so great a blessing! Mary is in me. Oh, what a treasure! Oh, what a consolation! And shall I not be entirely hers?”.

I have used strong words to describe Jesus’ complete giving of Himself to Mary, stating that He wrapped Himself in her flesh. I am unsure where I first encountered this phrase. Initially, I thought it came from St. Louis Marie de Montfort, but now I am uncertain. Perhaps it arose from the saint’s reflection on a holy person—also a slave of Mary like Jesus—who was described as being wrapped up in her. Regardless, the intention expressed by those words is that Jesus is the seed of Mary from her flesh, and that in her 2 natures were united Divinity and Humanity, at the incarnation. It reveals the profound intimacy of the incarnation. I don’t believe my expression was literal but rather an expression of a mystery—one the heart understands if it is open. However, who could truly claim full understanding of the mystery of the Incarnation or how it came to be? If in truth, even a minute aspect of it meant Jesus walked among us with flesh wrapped around His divinity, I wonder if such simplicity could be dismissed if echoed by Jesus on the last day. Additionally, Mary’s womb is the sacred dwelling place where Heaven and earth met in the Incarnation, where God and man remain united in Christ, and where souls continue to be formed in holiness, grow mature in enlightenment, in experience and in wisdom, and in a short time reach the fullness of the age of Christ.

In St. Louis Marie de Montfort’s words: the principal mystery celebrated and honoured in the true devotion to Mary is the mystery of the Incarnation where we find Jesus only in Mary, having become incarnate in her womb, it is appropriate for us to call the devotion, “slavery of Jesus in Mary”, of Jesus dwelling enthroned in Mary, according to the beautiful prayer, recited by so many great souls, “O Jesus living in Mary”.

He further explains that these expressions show more clearly the intimate union existing between Jesus and Mary. He writes: “So closely are they united that one is wholly the other. Jesus is all in Mary and Mary is all in Jesus. Or rather, it is no longer she who lives, but Jesus alone who lives in her. It would be easier to separate light from the sun than Mary from Jesus. So united are they that our Lord may be called, “Jesus of Mary”, and His Mother “Mary of Jesus”“.

Here are his brief remarks on the incarnation:

  • The Incarnation is the first mystery of Jesus Christ; it is the most hidden; and it is the most exalted and the least known.
  • It was in this mystery that Jesus, in the womb of Mary and with her co-operation, chose all the elect. For this reason the saints called her womb, the throne-room of God’s mysteries. It was in this mystery that Jesus anticipated all subsequent mysteries of His life by His willing acceptance of them. Consequently, this mystery is a summary of all His mysteries since it contains the intention and the grace of them all.
  • Lastly, this mystery is the seat of the mercy, the liberality, and the glory of God. It is the seat of His mercy for us, since we can approach and speak to Jesus through Mary. We need her intervention to see or speak to him. Here, ever responsive to the prayer of His Mother, Jesus unfailingly grants grace and mercy to all poor sinners. “Let us come boldly before the throne of grace”.
  • It is the seat of liberality for Mary, because while the new Adam dwelt in this truly earthly paradise God performed there so many hidden marvels beyond the understanding of men and angels. For this reason, the saints call Mary “the magnificence of God”, as if God showed His magnificence only in Mary.
  • It is the seat of glory for His Father, because it was in Mary that Jesus perfectly atoned to His Father on behalf of mankind. It was here that He perfectly restored the glory that sin had taken from His Father. It was here again that our Lord, by the sacrifice of Himself and of His will, gave more glory to God than He would have given had He offered all the sacrifices of the Old Law. Finally, in Mary He gave His Father infinite glory, such as His Father had never received from man.

I would not have esteemed his words so highly had he not spoken of Mary with such profound love and devotion. Nor would I have valued them had he not been a canonized saint, speaking alongside other canonized saints who shared the same devotion. His words, which I already held in high regard, carried even greater weight when I learned that Pope St. John Paul II himself esteemed them. More recently, my appreciation deepened as I renewed my consecration to Jesus through Mary last month. During the 33-day period, I came to see how his writings resonate profoundly with my own life—as though I were reading the truth of my own life. It would be helpful to exercise discernment when listening to perspectives contrary to the words in this book. Listen with discernment, always seeking to uphold and honor Mary and Jesus—with prayer for yourself, for those speaking, and for God’s mercy. Should you choose to respond, do so with all the angelic kindness and deep humility of Mary—or most perfectly, with all of her virtues.

It can be confusing to sort through these perspectives. I once heard a very Catholic man confidently state that Mary was just like everyone else before she gave her Fiat: “I am the handmaid of the Lord. Let it be done to me according to your word”. His brilliance on other matters captivated me, so I didn’t immediately reject his claim that night. Yet, I didn’t accept it either. Whether it lingered in my mind out of unease or temptation—or perhaps both—I’m unsure, as time has passed. But the next morning, as I prayed the Rosary, his words resurfaced, and deep within, I felt a conviction that his words did not align with truth.

I acknowledge that Mary is human like everyone else and that doesn’t change at the point of her Fiat, so I can see that this is not the point being made. The only change in state that I can see is that she went from being the predestined Mother of God to Mother of God, and yet who else was prepared for it by God. Given this, would it be fitting to consider Mary just like everyone else until she gave her Fiat—especially in light of the dogma of the Immaculate Conception? After all, the angel Gabriel’s greeting at the Annunciation affirms her unique grace: ‘Hail, full of grace’.

For a long time, I wondered where the phrase “full of grace” in the Hail Mary originated, since some Bible translations render Luke 1:28 as “Hail, O highly favored one”. By God’s grace—and through Mary’s quiet ordering of my life—I stumbled upon an insightful explanation in a Q&A on Catholic.com which illuminated the richness of the original Greek.

The answer I found was that meaning can sometimes be lost in translation. I’ve even experienced this with my own Igbo name, Amarachukwu. At one time, my mom explained that it meant more than the Grace of God. It apparently carries a deeper blend of grace, mercy, and goodness (or so), in its meaning—particularly directed toward her and me—which is difficult to fully express in a single English word. Yet, if asked, I will say it means Grace of God, as that is the common understanding. According to the writer of the post, the same challenge applies to the translation “full of grace”. The Greek phrase pleres charitos is what translates literally to “full of grace” and it appears in reference to Jesus (John 1:14) and St. Stephen (Acts 6:8), with its meaning shaped by context, such that we can infer that anyone who has recently been baptized or received the sacrament of confession is pleres charitos. In Luke 1:28, however, the angel uses kecharitomene, derived from charitoo (meaning “to give grace”). This verb, kecharitomene, is in the perfect passive participle tense (which I learned is more accurate than ‘past perfect’), signifying that the action of grace was to the fullest, in the past and with enduring effects. The verb is used as a title. Gabriel does not say “Hail Mary, you are kecharitomene” but rather “Hail kecharitomene” 

I am not a theologian but to my mind the greeting could be rendered as ‘Hail, one who has been graced to the fullest and enduringly, the Lord is with you’ or perhaps colloquially as “Hello, Your Royal Highness, Immaculate, the Lord is with you”. Kecharitomene appears to be used within the context of Angel Gabriel’s greeting as her name, revealing her identity as the Immaculate one, and revealing an action of grace given in a complete and enduring way, implying that purity, holiness and sinlessness is intrinsic to her very being rather than something temporary. Since sin and grace oppose each other, could one who has been graced in a complete and enduring way bear even the slightest stain of sin?

It begs the question: when was her identity given to her by God, and when was the spiritual action completed? To explore possibilities, we can look at how God has worked with His prophets throughout Scripture, preparing them uniquely—sometimes even before they were in their mother’s womb.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”  

“For he will be great before the Lord, and he shall drink no wine nor strong drink, and he will be filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother’s womb.” 

God completely prepares the ones He calls to fulfill their mission. Throughout the Old Testament, we find prophecies and typological connections that foreshadow Mary’s role—the New Eve who will crush the serpent’s head (‘I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your seed and her seed; (s)he/they shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his/her/their heel’). While this verse carries multiple meanings, my focus is on one at this time. As well, the Ark of the Covenant and other symbols—which I cannot fully expand on here—suggest that she was predestined to be the Mother of God (taking into consideration her freedom to surrender her will completely to God, where the first Eve did not).

If we believe that God never changes and He doesn’t, it follows that He would act in the same way with her, preparing her to be a worthy dwelling place for God Himself. Considering how profoundly God prepared His prophets, would it not be fitting that His preparation of the one entrusted with forming and shaping Jesus would be even greater—since Jesus, being perfectly obedient to her as a good Son, honors her to fulfill the commandment?

Catholic dogma holds that Mary was preserved from original sin from the first moment of her conception through the merits of Jesus. While this might seem difficult to grasp, it is entirely possible—especially considering that at the Last Supper, when Jesus referred to the bread as ‘His body that is given for us’ and the wine as ‘His blood that is poured out for us,’ He spoke of His sacrifice as if it were already accomplished in intention and grace. In doing so, He applied the merits of His sacrifice to a time before it had fully unfolded for us—extending this grace prior to His bodily presence in the moment of His sacrifice. To those who have faith, it is believable that His sacrifice and its merits are not bound by time. Fitting, since He is God eternal. This makes me pause, especially when I consider that He gave thanks to the Father for it, or that He could still pray afterwards: ‘Abba, Father, all things are possible to thee; remove this cup from me; yet not what I will, but what thou wilt’. He could still hope, and it remained possible to pass from Him, even though the mystery of His sacrifice was already completed and accepted by Him—unfolding for us yet still awaiting His physical entry into the moment of His sacrifice. So, it is okay to have hope, even when a poor outcome seems inevitable. Yet, there is a right way to hope—a hope rooted in trust, surrender to God’s will, and profound acceptance of whatever He permits. I could not sufficiently penetrate the infinite depth of this, being finite myself. However, in all things, it is always good to give thanks to God.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Throughout this process, I prayed to Jesus through Mary for insight, renewing my consecration with the words inspired from True Devotion to Mary: ‘I renounce myself completely, and I give myself entirely to you, Mom’. To explain briefly, to give oneself entirely to Mary, is to give oneself entirely to Jesus, since she belongs entirely to Him. There is a need to renounce our evil dispositions and corrupt nature, since our perception of our good intentions is colored by self-love. While we can always go directly to Jesus, going through Mary to Jesus is a reliable way, direct and sure, since Mary purifies your intentions, calls down the mercy of God on you and shapes you and your intentions to His liking.

In addition, I used Copilot as a thought partner and writing assistant to refine my ideas, improve readability, and explore deeper connections.

A song you could listen to!

Music in Me

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone. Remember to pray the rosary!

When I was a kid, I would sometimes hear an orchestra playing in my head. The music was so beautiful, and I wished I could play it out, but I didn’t know how to play any instrument other than the recorder, and I wasn’t very good at it. I told a friend on the school bus about it, and she didn’t call me weird. Later, I watched the movie “August Rush,” about a boy who could hear a symphony in his head, and I think I wondered if people might think I was lying if I shared my experience. I also found it interesting that a movie portrayed a kid experiencing this. As I grew older, I stopped hearing the music.

Two nights ago, I had a dream where I sang a song to Jesus, and I woke up with the tune still playing in my head. I recorded it and sang it a few times during the day, and I could hear in my head how the production would sound, even the symphony and blend of voices. It wasn’t until today in church that I realized I had heard music again. I could not help but wonder if perhaps a part of my innocence had been healed. Sometimes, healing comes so subtly that you don’t even realize it has happened until it has.

Recently, I’ve been learning that attraction can be manipulated by the evil one, even if it starts off as something good or somewhere good. I found it difficult to get someone out of my head. You might wonder why it’s a bad thing to think about someone you like. The thing is, I didn’t know this person well, only a general awareness of him and his actions in church, and he smiled at me. I could only see virtues which made him attractive to me, but I didn’t know him well enough to say I liked him; at best, I was curious.

Another reason I found it problematic was that I did not have custody of my mind. My thoughts never wandered to anywhere sinful and never beyond my encounters with him or fantasies of what could be, but still my body was weak and easily excitable. Even my perception of him was altered. He appeared more physically attractive to me. Like he had a glow and my eyes would catch him everywhere my head turned. I prayed to God several times to take it away and to help me have control of my mind. I also went to confession hoping for the grace I have always received to overcome any vice I bring forward to confession. It persisted even after confession. Then, I admitted to Mother Mary that there must be a part of me that wants this even if I did not like it. The bible says, you will know the truth and the truth will set you free and I wanted to be free, so I was careful about admitting my fault with that in mind. I left the church that day feeling exhausted.

During this time, I leaned into praying to the Holy Spirit for self control. I learned to see all men as my brothers and nothing more. This revelation slightly deadened the attraction, and I felt a freedom within me when I decided not to kiss a man until marriage. I believe this is the way it is supposed to be, although, others might argue differently. I have a hard time believing a couple could “always” exchange chaste and pure kisses. I realised as well that humans were made by God for truth and to recognise the truth. The reason we do not always do this is because of sin, and “the man” was blessed with a knowing of this truth at his creation. It is the only way he would have been able to name all animals in the garden of Eden and do it excellently without sinning. So, a man fully aligned with God’s will, will always be able to recognise the truth with God’s help. This isn’t to diminish women, but I wonder about where the saying “woman’s intuition” comes from, and about the manner it is used as though it is a special gift limited to women when “the man” was first blessed in this way by God. I want a man who is lead by God to know the truth because he is in alignment with God’s will, and I do not want love to be awakened in me until it pleases, so to speak. It is one of the reasons I did not trust my feelings. It went against my beliefs and desire.

Anyway, I still didn’t have full control of my mind until I asked God some questions since I could not figure it out. “Do I like him?” “Am I attracted to him?” “Should I be attracted to him?” or something similar. It felt like a fog lifted, and I regained custody of my mind. Later, I asked similar questions to God for good measure. “Do I like him? Am I attracted to him? Should I be attracted to him? If I should not be attracted to him, then please take it away”. However, since the first time I asked the questions to God, I have had control of my mind in that area. So, I was being unnecessary, surely out of a desire for it to be permanent.

I remember feeling weird and perhaps melancholic afterwards that day, and when seated in front of Our Lady of Guadalupe in church, because it felt like I had been on a high only to crash quickly. I was grateful to God for everything I had learnt but I was annoyed that my feelings had been manipulated so, I prayed against the evil one, as I felt so aware of his plans to destroy me. I was also concerned that my feelings were so easily manipulated and wondered if I was really okay. So, I prayed to Jesus about it for His healing. I am thankful to God for His grace. I believe I have been healed.

There were some “God coincidences” during that time, which are really no coincidences at all. I remember a thought came to me during that time, “Be open (Ephphatha)”, and I recalled the bible passage where Jesus healed the deaf and dumb man. I prayed for God’s help to be open to His will and to do His will. Then, I heard the bible passage about the healing of the deaf and dumb man read in church during daily mass. I considered the creation of Adam and Eve, and then it was one of the passages read during daily mass last week. Another was that I remember praying a rough form of “God’s will is my will” at some point during that time, and afterwards, stumbling across an Instagram post about a quote from St. Alphonsus Liguori, that one should accustom oneself to saying in times of trial, “It is the will of God; it is my will also”. Now, I often pray, “God’s will is my will,” and I feel my will bolstered.

I can’t say that I know everything about this series of event. In fact, I have a feeling there is still more to learn that I do not know yet. It is the reason that at first I hesitated to write this post. But, I suppose I will worry only about today and bask in the joy of knowing that I am able to hear the music again and that God is in my midst, a Warrior Who gives victory; Who will rejoice over me with gladness, Who will renew me in His love and Who will exult over me with loud singing as on a day of festival.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Note: Co-pilot might have been used to refine this write up. I honestly can’t remember at this time but in recent times, I have found it to be a handy tool for editing.

A lovely song you could listen to!

A Happy Death

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Remember to pray the Rosary!

Have you ever wondered what a happy death is? I did at the start of my reversion to the Catholic faith, since I prayed the Rosary regularly; the intention of the 4th Glorious Mystery (The Assumption of Mother Mary into Heaven) being a “Happy Death”, and presently, it is regularly on my mind.

I suppose at the start of my reversion, I might have imagined a happy death to mean a good death. I am trying to recall what conclusion I came to at the start. What is a good death? Is it to live comfortable, amassing wealth, love, fame, and then to die, and to cease to exist? The Catholic belief is that those who die in God’s grace, go to Heaven eventually, after a purification process. The Word of God says, “Nothing unclean will see God.”. So, is it possible to go straight to Heaven? One would have to be completely purified at the moment of death for them to go to Heaven straight away and how many can be so confident, without being foolish, that at the moment of their death, they have renounced all attachments and cling solely to God. I think I have heard it spoken of that it is also a Catholic belief that you can go straight to heaven after you die. Blessed Carlo Acutis spoke of going straight to Heaven. I think St. Therese of the Child Jesus did as well. St. Therese is a gem amongst gems. Then, there is St. Cecilia, who I learnt of recently and I was so in awe of. I think she went straight to heaven. She is so pure and beautiful. When I think of the saints, I think of how I am nothing like them.

I think I heard it said a “Happy Death” is to die in God’s grace and not about living a good life and then dying, by man’s standards. I suppose I might have imagined dying in my sleep, free of troubles and illness, when I considered a “good death”. I know of someone who prayed to die free of illness or long illness. I do not know if she died that way. I came to a place of no fear about death, and even thought recently that I could be dying while I slept one night. I felt myself floating upwards in that dream and thought, “Am I dying?”. I resigned myself to it and prayed, “Father, welcome me into your arms”. Then, I remembered I ought to pray for the forgiveness of my sins, which I did. Immediately, I prayed a prayer of contrition, it felt like my soul was slammed back into my body. I don’t know if the following happened right after, but while my eyes were still closed, an image of a smiling woman carrying a baby took shape in my head. It was like a drawing coming to completion. I remember clearly that at least either the woman or the child had chubby cheeks, possibly both did. And their youth, beauty, and cuteness was so evident. I have never seen that drawing in real life. I thought it was Jesus and Mary as I watched. This happened the Sunday of the first week of October.

I have watched people say it is normal to regret not doing a lot of things before dying. I have also heard it said it is naive not to fear dying even a little bit. Additionally, I heard it said it is foolish to just want to die, without considering the need to receive final rites or viaticum, and that it is the way to have a “Good Death”, and perhaps there was talk of a battle that happens at the moment of death. This is my interpretation of the things spoken. Perhaps, I misunderstand these people. I have considered those lines of thinking and perhaps I am the most foolish of them all for not being encumbered by such ways of thinking.

I have concluded that those ways of thinking produce fear, and I lay all my fear and anxiety at the feet of Jesus, at the foot of His cross, begging Him to redeem it and redeem me to glory of His Name, for my salvation and the salvation of others.

While having final rites done for you is a good thing, do I think everyone who have died or will die without final rites do not have a fighting chance of going straight to heaven or that they have less of a chance? The battle is God’s after all. Do I think I have a fighting chance at any point in my life, apart from the abundance and unending nature of God’s grace and mercy and Mary’s intercession for me.

I imagine even if I stood before Him and I was accused of the most heinous crimes and they were all found to be true, He is justified in condemning me, because He is all good and all righteous and I will accept His righteous judgement as true, without forgetting as well another truth, that even though there is no good in me, the Mercy of God never ceases, and I would beg for mercy with all the confidence of a child that knows it is loved without measure. This is a prayer and hope of mine. And so, I pray frequently and earnestly for a “Happy Death”, knowing that I will never be surrounded by love on this earth to the magnitude that I would be when I get to Heaven. I also earnestly run to the Blessed Virgin, ever confident in her love and intercession for me. I pray that Jesus and Mary are there at the moment of my death to lead me to Heaven. Knowing me, I will get lost without them.

I imagine a “Happy life” will be dictated by union with God after death or should I say a “Happy death”. I will be able to say “I lived a full life”, when I am in Heaven, not before. I count my life as loss, if it means I am separated from God. A happy life to me, is a life which terminates in friendship with God, whether rich or poor, loved or hated, young or old. There is no reason to despise the rich or to despise the hated or consider them going to a worse place than you are when death comes. You do not see their heart or know their destination and you could be wrong about them. The same God who loves you, loves them too. You would be better off praying for them to get to Heaven, not forgetting to pray for yourself too. So, I think there is no right station to be assigned to in this life, only a right way of living; a life lived loving God with your whole heart, with your whole soul, with your whole might, a life lived loving your neighbour as yourself. Go and learn what that entails by seeking God through Jesus, while He still can be found, and do it in truth. He will draw near to you.

I think I should say that I am not encouraging sinning so that God’s mercy presses even greater upon you. It should be obvious but it isn’t always.

I will end this post with the prayer from the Divine Mercy Prayer that I encourage people to pray and meditate on: “Eternal God in Whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion inexhaustible, look kindly upon me and increase Your mercy in me, that in difficult moments we might not despair, nor become despondent but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will which is love and mercy itself”. You see, it really is in showing mercy or in the abundance of mercy that is in us, that we are able to hope that mercy will be shown to us. I just realized this.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song! Take a listen!

Dreams or Visions

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By Cynthia Aralu

About 4 or 5 days ago,

I dreamt that I saw Jesus. 

I would have known the exact day,

if I’d written it down when I told myself to.

He was so large and I was so small. 

His face was neutral one minute,

The next, He had a frown. 

His eyes were exquisite.

They gleamed with so much power and fire. 

There He was, only looking at me. 

There I was, staring right back at him,

truly a mixture of awe and question.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary!

It’s been a while since I published a post on my blog. I have been resting. I noticed myself getting extremely fatigued much more frequently, crying a lot more, and so I had to withdraw inwards and become even a lot more quiet, so as to be able to focus on the “need to do(s)”. I am feeling a lot better now and also learning to take deep breaths when I feel overwhelmed and allow stimming. I find deep pressure, such as hugging myself tightly, to be very calming but I can’t do it everywhere as it can be seen as standoffish but I don’t think about any of that when I am in church. I give thanks to God for strength.

I had a dream maybe 4 or 5 days ago. I wrote it down today and felt a desire today to share it while praying this morning. So, that’s what I’m doing now. It is a memory stitched back together, so take the meaning behind the general story without a focus on the details, that is, if there is a meaning to you. Only God knows. 

It so happened that in this dream, I walked into one of the rooms in the ground floor of my family home in Nigeria which used to be storage for a long time, and there was a black cat there which I perceived was a curse, so I just thought something along the lines of, “I’m over this scene and I’m going to God”. So, I began to rise upwards into the darkness until I reached a place where all I saw was Jesus. He was so large and I was so small. I remember feeling this way. He stared neutrally at me and then frowned and then shooed me away (His approach towards me felt that way. I felt fear.). I went back down to the earth into a room I do not know. I wondered if He was truly Jesus since He looked angry. It is possible that a better description could be that He looked severe. He came back to look down at me. I looked up at Him through what seemed to be a large aperture leading upwards to the sky above, from where I stood on the earth. He was larger than everything. I was surprised He came back. I thought, “He came back”. I was impressed by the gleam and fire in His eyes, and unsure of the reason He was frowning. I don’t remember much of what happened next, if I inched closer, maybe. 

I woke up wondering if I am doing something wrong or done something wrong. And if I’d really seen Jesus. 

He looked like one of the depictions/icons I have seen in Orthodox Christianity or Byzantine Christianity. Even the dimensions of His eyes; one is not the same dimension as the other, similar to how I perceive the Christ Pantocrator. I think His eyes were lighter but my memory of this is vague. What I know for sure is that they had been gleaming, striking and alive. Thinking back now on June 19, 2025, when I am including this update, I think his expression could be said to have been severe (which I had interpreted as a frown).

A day before this, I had my eyes closed and saw a snake slithering on the ground and then suddenly a light skinned strong feet crushed the serpent. It all went black after that and I opened my eyes. I don’t know if I was dreaming or if it was one of those moments where I close my eyes for 1 minute and I see a short clip of something. I have read it is unusual for dreams to occur soon after falling asleep. How do I know those short clips happened after 1 minute of closing my eyes? Well, I don’t have a timer on when it happens but it feels like 1 minute, like I’m sitting in front of the Tabernacle or at the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe and I doze off for a minute and at times but not all the time, I am jolted awake; that’s how it feels like. I also didn’t have much time to stay at the places I mentioned before I had to go off to the pews to join the mass or move on. So, I deduce roughly 1 minute, but it could be 1 – 10 minutes. Again, in university, it even happened while studying and also when walking back to my room to sleep. I was sleepy every time and I saw people I don’t know, in motion or chatting away or both, as if I am watching a video in front of me. One time, I became a part of it but that could have really been a dream or maybe not. Maybe it was just my imagination since I could rewind the action. I read about hyperphantasia because I wanted to understand this, but that does not explain it, since images in my head are of a poor quality when I am awake and I feel a strain in my head when I try hard to remember images. I only get a clear burst of an image for like 1 second before it is faded/hazy, or I am only able to call up an image in fragments, until I have seen parts of the images in my mind, but God helps me and uses it to heal my heart, even if this is the extent I can be present at the scenes during His life on earth.

Anyway, dream or vision or not, it took me a while to really think about what I saw and write it down, but at least it was on the same day. I kept thinking, “What did I see?”

This week, I received good news which I cannot share yet but I give thanks to God for it and I also seem to be better and more confident at driving, according to my mom, although my brother begs to differ, that I lack awareness and I drive weird. Honestly, it did not faze me because I am different and I am starting to embrace it. I struggle with noticing all the road signs because driving is an overwhelming sensory experience for me, and it is my tendency to not take in the wider picture but to focus on one detail. I am getting better at this, the more I am behind the wheel and I am getting used to the motion and the feel of the car. Sometimes, at stop signs, I have caught myself zoned out because I was overwhelmed. It was embarrassing because I was with my instructor. Sometimes, she had to tell me to move. I get better when I am more comfortable with my environment, the car, the person, the movements, the roads or when I am successful or day(s) after I fail, and with repetition; this is even the same when walking and using GPS, just more amplified when driving because I am moving fast. I have gotten lost multiple times while walking and using GPS. It is such a hard and overwhelming feeling to be lost, that in the past, I even dreamt about being lost and being rained on. I woke up on the verge of tears and the feeling carried over for a while, so, I curled up in a fetal position and hugged myself tightly in a bid to force the tears out or chase the feeling away until I calmed down.

I have been praying a lot about driving, pushing myself to keep going and disregarding the feelings which make me not want to drive. I think I have improved from the first time I got behind a car; even from 6 days ago. I know God is with me, taking care of me and I am pleased about the drive yesterday even if my brother is displeased. I am not seeking understanding. I hardly understand it all myself and I am not great at voicing out all that is happening to me. Sometimes, I lack the interoception to do so. As I understand more, I learn how to make accommodations for myself. One in particular is a low spatial awareness, which I only learnt about recently and everything in my life makes sense. I am thankful to God for bringing me this far and for leading me to Conquer Driving on YouTube and some other YouTube videos, who have given me tips which have helped me. I just need to make accommodations when driving, and do well enough to pass the road test and improve some more later. God is with me. God is for me. I give God thanks for His goodness, love and mindfulness to me.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you could listen to!

Heartbroken

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary.

I wondered if I should post this. I wrote it down in my notes to remind me of the goodness of God to me. I considered if it will ever go up here, prayed about it as I edited my notes, and left it alone. But on seeing a clip from The Chosen about Jesus begging Thomas to stay with Him, I feel it is right to post this here.

Last week Wednesday on 17Jul2024, I got to work, sat at my desk, logged on to my computer like I normally do, ready to get to work, when suddenly the thought which had occurred to me earlier as I got ready for work came back to me, and I began to sob for close to 10 – 15 minutes or more. My thoughts began at not being skilled at anything else but clinical research and also not being the best at what I do. Then, I believe I sobbed about everything going on with me; I sobbed about how it all overwhelms me and how I do not know what to do. I felt so tired deep in my soul and my heart hurt, so I massaged it several times that day. I reached out in my mind for a hug from Jesus on the cross. My prayer felt so much stronger later in the day, when I said the Divine Mercy Chaplet while meditating on the sorrowful mystery. My eyes welled up with tears as I prayed, although it did not come crashing down my face. I think my heart hurt all through work and I tried to stay cheerful but mostly did not speak that day, not that I speak a lot normally. I surmised that I was heartbroken. I could imagine that it could be a little of how Jesus felt since He was a man of sorrows, well acquainted with grief. That thought brought me a burst of joy in the midst of grief. 

I went to church after work and prayed at the shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe and I told Our Lady about my exhaustion. I didn’t say much by way of prayer. I mostly just sat there. Then, I moved on to the tabernacle where Jesus is, and knelt to pray. While I prayed, the hurt in my heart went away without a trace, and I felt strength and consoled. So, I said to Jesus, “Look how powerful You are. I am here and I am better.” I hadn’t even prayed for the pain to go away. I was in the middle of giving thanks for God’s goodness to me, being penitent and telling Him about my day (mingled with petitions), like I usually do, when I realized it was gone. 

My feeling and thought even as I marvelled at the power of Jesus was that, “I don’t want to be here”, and a part of me wondered if His healing meant He made me better so that I can keep going. I didn’t want to be ungrateful, so, I gave thanks. I know He could turn the situation around with less than a breath, less than the minutest of energy, but I did not want to be here to find out. I don’t know how to describe this feeling. I was grateful but also didn’t care about seeing it all come to be in the future. So, I told Him that I still don’t want to be here and asked Him to take me out of here; “not the church per se, but here”, I kept saying. Deep down, I knew, “here” meant “this world” and I know He knows this too. I apologized 2 nights ago to God because I think I was ungrateful on that day, and also, I felt the ache at odd times 2 days ago. It is not here today as I write this.

I do not think it is thoroughly virtuous to feel this way because I would still want to choose how it happens, however, there is still some virtue and complete honesty in it and for that I give thanks to God.

On writing my notes about my grief of this day, I have become aware that I had the dream about Our Lady of Perpetual Help in the early hours of 17th of July, the same day this happened to me, and also came across the prayer card that night. It makes me realize Mother Mary and Jesus were trying to tell me they are here for me and I am thankful to Her and I am thankful to God; Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

All glory and praise be to our God! Amen.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A good song to listen to.

Charism: Prayer?

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By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary!

I have thinking that it is possible that my charism is prayer. I do not know this for sure but I have a strong belief of this.

Maybe 2 or 3 nights ago, I had a dream in which I was lying in bed and I thought I was awake. An intrusive impure thought attempted to come into my mind, but I immediately began praying out loud against it like I normally do when I am awake. I do not fully remember the words I said. I think I prayed for God to strengthen my will, fortify/cleanse my thoughts…, and I am certain that I ended the prayer with “May the souls of all the faithful departed through the mercy of God rest in peace. Amen.”, which is new. I only say that when praying the Rosary and the Chaplet of Divine Mercy. I felt my head tighten as though I was having a “tension headache” when I began praying and it stopped while I prayed. I wondered when the tension headache began if I was really awake since the “tension headache” was familiar, and occurs whenever I am having a “bad dream”. I woke up and realized I had been dreaming.

The night before this/early hours of 17Jul, I was reciting prayers in my dream, almost as though I was learning to say the words, first, “Our Lady of Perpetual Help, pray for us”, and then, “Most Sacred Heart of Jesus, Have Mercy on Us” My memory is vague on the prayer to the Most Sacred Heart of Jesus. I believe I said them again, this time starting with, “Most Sacred Heart of Jesus…” and then “Our Lady of Perpetual Help…”. I do not pray to Mary under the title, “Our Lady of Perpetual Help”, although I have been praying to Mary lately under the title of “Our Lady of Succour” after learning about an apparition in Sciacca. I don’t know if the titles are linked. Later that day, I flipped open my bible which I do not use and so do not go through (I use my e-bible instead) and found a prayer card to Our Lady of Perpetual Help which I had placed there earlier in the year but forgot about. I had brought the prayer card with me from my travel to Nigeria back in January, because it is Mary and I love Mary; that and my bible from my childhood. I had the bible and prayer card blessed months after bringing it back. I don’t remember when. Anyway, I flipped over the prayer card and said the prayer there and have been saying it ever since.

A night before this, I awoke to myself praying out loud, “Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the Living God, have mercy on me a sinner and on the whole world”. I basically realized the words coming out of my mouth on waking up.

Nights before this, I awoke to my fingers moving as though moving along the beads of a Rosary.

I think it is great that while sleeping, I am praying to God or that my body remembers the movements of my prayer or devotion. I like the thought of prayer being a constant part of my life.

Have you ever thought about charisms? This is what the Catechism of the Catholic Church has to say about Charisms:

“799 Whether extraordinary or simple and humble, charisms are graces of the Holy Spirit which directly or indirectly benefit the Church, ordered as they are to her building up, to the good of men, and to the needs of the world.

800 Charisms are to be accepted with gratitude by the person who receives them and by all members of the Church as well. They are a wonderfully rich grace for the apostolic vitality and for the holiness of the entire Body of Christ, provided they really are genuine gifts of the Holy Spirit and are used in full conformity with authentic promptings of this same Spirit, that is, in keeping with charity, the true measure of all charisms. 253

801 It is in this sense that discernment of charisms is always necessary. No charism is exempt from being referred and submitted to the Church’s shepherds. “Their office [is] not indeed to extinguish the Spirit, but to test all things and hold fast to what is good,” 254 so that all the diverse and complementary charisms work together “for the common good.”

I just love that God is glorified even when I am sleeping and I love the thought that I could be helping people through my prayers. I am also grateful to God for protecting me.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A lovely song you could listen to!