By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary!

Two days ago, I went to the mall with my mom and I saw a penguin and a sea lion for the first time. It was truly beautiful. I was amazed to see God’s creatures and thankful to God for giving me beauty to see, as I had prayed to see just that when I mentioned to Him that I cannot see it, and have not seen any love not broken whether by external or internal forces, if it does exists here, and to change my lenses if I am wrong. I did not plan to see these aquatic creatures. I was only at the mall to explore the clothing stores in the hopes that I might find something modest, something beautiful, something affordable, and only stopped when I saw a group of people gathered on the foot bridge above the body of water, and also behind a see-through barrier, so they could see the penguin. I joined them and waited a while to see the sea lion come out next and do tricks. That’s crazy. Who would have thought that a kid from Lagos, who grew up in a household that struggled, would ever leave Nigeria and travel to various countries, and now, would see this. It is a testament to the goodness of God in my life and my heart swells with gratitude and love for God.

I was surprised that I found some items that fall under the category of “beautiful, modest and affordable”. They were on sale and did not cost more than $20 CAD, and some were not more than $10 CAD. It gave me some hope to be able to find them, but also, I felt a desire to design clothes that would be modest and beautiful, because I had tried on some gowns which I thought were beautiful but happened to be too short. In the past, that would not have mattered to me and I must admit I had to resist the temptation to buy them since they were affordable and beautiful. I literally had to tell myself not to compromise.

As I walked out of the mall, I could not help but see couples all around me. I don’t think I ever noticed this in that much detail in the past. I don’t think I cared. On this day, it felt like it was all in my face; it was amazing how all around me, everyone seemed to have someone. I found it interesting. Later on at night, I learnt that someone close to me was in love. I was happy for this person genuinely and wished the person well, even prayed for the person. I found myself later on feeling a longing in my heart for a healthy relationship and said an honest prayer to God about how I was feeling at that moment. My chest hurt a little later on and perhaps this scabby feeling settled over my entire body. I offered it up to God and considered that the hurt felt familiar. I have had nightmares in the past, which have featured head tightness or just an overall scabby, horrible feeling settling all over me, right before the nightmares happened or in the middle of it or perhaps on waking up. Two nights ago, as I sat up in bed, I felt as though I could tie whatever I was feeling to whatever I had experienced while sleeping. I couldn’t help but wonder if I have been bleeding all along while I was asleep. Perhaps, I bleed more easily when my guard is down while asleep.

A while ago, I considered that I could be suffering but did not know it. Recently, I considered the nightmares to be a suffering. I did not think of it that way in the past. It was just one of those things. Another that I have lately been thinking about is my social awkwardness and my difficulty socializing, even though I would like to be social. It makes living difficult. When I watch The Chosen, I am able to relate so much to Matthew’s personality. When I read about his story in the bible, I am able to recognize a similarity in the voice I heard “Seek me” and the voice that called him “Follow me”, so much so that I cannot help but wonder if the writers really got St. Matthew’s personality right without realizing it.

At some point last year, I had a specific intention to God, for Him to uncover where I am bleeding and to heal and help me. Towards the end of year, while randomly scrolling on YouTube, I found a video titled, “How to spot autism in high masking autistic women” on the page of “@Autismfromtheinside”. I almost scrolled past but then I thought to myself, “what if this is it”. However, I was skeptical, but I decided to watch the video, out of curiosity. The speaker explained that the way of coming to an assessment of this is by looking at the gaps in social skills, sensory sensitivities, inconsistent executive functioning, gaps in knowledge and understanding, information processing needs. As he explained further what these meant, I could find myself relating to his explanation. At the end of video, I thought, “Is there something here?”, so I decided to take a test for autism.

I took the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) assessment and my result showed that I could have autism.

When I read this, I breathed out a sigh of relief because everything in my life, everything about me, started to make sense; I felt like I could finally put a name to it. For a long time when I was much younger, I hardly said anything, mostly observed and spaced out (not really thinking about anything). My primary school teacher had written in my report card that I have trouble paying attention. His language had more flair and I had to use a dictionary to understand it. I did not know I did this until I read it in my report card. He never brought it to my attention. I was worried it would get me in trouble at home, but it didn’t. I think because my grades did not suffer. I still struggle with this but I try to mask it and work extra hard.

My secondary school ran a mentor-mentee program for all students. My mentor told my mom about her concern about me, that I like to keep to myself “a lot”. I did not know about this until last year when my mom mentioned it to me, and my mentor never said a word to me about it. My mom had apparently defended me, in saying that it was just my personality. In truth, I had a difficulty. I was always told that I look “lost”. I did not understand this.

Another thing is, I do not like being touched. I cannot always breathe freely when I am touched without giving permission, and even sometimes when I allow it, I freeze, my internal world pauses and I stare at the point of skin contact until the contact stops. Even yesterday, I drew away initially from reach of a disabled old lady who attempted to touch my arm in gratitude but then inched closer for her to touch me, hoping she did not notice.

These are just some of the things. I have always been hard on myself for not meeting up to what I consider to be the functioning of an adult and there have been times my inner thoughts have “shamed me”. It may have pushed me to be where I am now, I must admit, but it definitely is not good for my mental health and makes life hard to live.

It is strange to think of the possible diagnosis of a disorder, but I cannot help but thank God, because I could be in a worse place, and really, it could only be by His Grace that I am here now, because I see all the ways that I am inadequate.

I have read that the assessment is not intended to be diagnostic, and the author advises that anyone who obtains a high score and is suffering some distress should seek professional medical advice and not jump to any conclusions. At the time, I completed the assessment, I did not think I would get professional advice because it sounded overwhelming. Right now, I think If I get the chance to in the future, I will take advantage of it but it is not a priority to me.

I took a different assessment “CAT-Q” today and it came back the same; above average for the female population on compensation, masking and assimilation.

It is good to know. It reminds me to be gentle with myself and to consider that I might be suffering in ways other people do not necessarily suffer. It also reminds me to rely heavily on God to see me through my walk through this life.

On a final note, pray the Rosary!

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.