Temptation

By Cynthia Aralu

Hello everyone! Pray the Rosary.

I hope you are doing well!

I write this knowing that for the past week or so I have been plagued in my body, in an on and off manner, with temptation, and it all started with a dream, in which I saw a form at the foot of the bed. I was so groggy in the dream that when I tried to pray the Hail Mary, I could only begin at “Holy Mary Mother of God”. It disappeared the moment I said that and then I woke up. I concluded it was not able to touch me because I have been wearing my rosary to sleep. I couldn’t say for sure what it was trying to do but what I could perceive was it was trying to unlock a memory, in order to tempt me to impurity, and as soon as I tried to understand my dream better, a memory came to the periphery of my mind which I pushed away but damage was already done. I prayed and then found a recitation of “Hail Mary” on Spotify which I allowed to play on my phone as I went back to sleep.

I have denied my eyes and ears of things that could possibly be sources of temptation, even before this day. I have denied my body as well, but I know my memory is not innocent and I know this is deserved.

I have been praying a lot of prayers. I get better while praying or at Church, especially after receiving communion, but it comes back. I am thankful to God, that my will and my mind is drawn to God, even in my dreams, and this is definitely a grace from God. 

I kept up playing the recording of Hail Mary as I slept until yesterday. In the morning of yesterday, as I lay in bed sleeping, I heard a voice tell me that God will not let me know if an action is a sin or something along those lines. I thought the voice came from the recording playing on my phone because it sounded like it; it even had the same pace of the voice on the recording. I got indignant and my thought was, “That’s a lie. He does and He has.” and I remembered a moment from a time when I was much younger that I heard an inner voice recite the commandment to me when I was about to break it without even realizing that I was about to.

I wondered why the recitation I had on would say that. So, I opened my eyes and turned towards my phone to listen to it, and it only recited the “Hail Mary”. Then, I got confused. To be honest, it is hard to tell if I was dreaming or awake but I had been asleep and then I was awake. I probably woke up when I opened my eyes.

It was trying to get me to distrust God and I think it was trying to play on my worries about the difficulty I have in discerning mortal sin from venial sin. I tend to think it might be mortal sin and it makes me so sad that I have actually missed communion once because of it. I realized I was wrong after studying about sin on EWTN multiple times (Link here: Sin) and praying for understanding, and then later on, the priest during confession told me it was venial. I also came close to doing so again this Sunday, but I prayed for discernment and came to realize it wasn’t mortal sin, although, I still had to speak with a priest in confession to be completely sure. 

Later on after waking up on Monday, I did an act of trust when I looked at the image of Jesus on my phone by saying “Jesus I trust in you” multiple times. 

All through yesterday, I was troubled; actually all along I have been troubled because I do not want to sin, and I would be foolish to underestimate the temptation. So, I prayed to Our Lady of Sorrows for discernment of what was happening to me. Afterwards, I googled “Saints that were tempted in the body” and came across a great post. The post gave me great comfort. I will leave the part which lifted my spirits here. “Temptations have besides the following advantages….they afford us a means of expiating sin in this life…” Of course this is only possible in union with Christ. Here is the link to the full post: Temptations. There is more on polishing and sanctification on the post and an urging anyone who is tempted to pray to God for strength to resist the temptation rather than to take it all away. I pray for both, if it is God’s will.

I couldn’t play the same recording to go to sleep last night after what happened, so I searched on Spotify for a recitation of the rosary and found Bishop Barron’s podcast “The Rosary with Bishop Barron” and kept the sorrowful mystery playing as I went to sleep. I woke up refreshed and to a good tool for meditating on the Rosary. 

My thoughts rest and resonate with the words of St. Paul, “So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin which dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I of myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.”

I also remember and dwell on the words of St. James, “Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” and I have hope that this is not forever. 

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Pray the Rosary. Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A song you can listen to!

Mercy: Blood and Water

By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary.

During Lent, I came to the conclusion, I believe through God’s help, that I have a difficulty feeling empathy for the Passion and Suffering of Jesus, so I begged Jesus, in front of the blessed sacrament, to help me to feel His pain even if I have to suffer. The following day, I experienced suffering that helped me to relate more to Jesus, and accelerated the correction of misconceptions I held in my mind and heart about Jesus’ suffering. I felt healed in my heart to a large extent. Since then, I have had another experience that pulled my mind to His fall on the way to Calvary. However, I still wanted to feel grief when I looked upon the images or depictions of His passion and suffering. I wanted to be cut to the heart like I was the first time I was told by a sibling that when we sin, we crucify Jesus again. The words had evoked a strong image of a nail going through flesh in my mind, and I flinched back from it, unable to bear the thought. “He has died already, why would he go through it again?” I had argued in my head and disbelieved.

My understanding now is that time is not linear for God like it is for humans. So, for every sin I have ever committed or may commit, Jesus suffered in His Body, and that once for all suffering is represented (made present) to us at the Mass during consecration of the bread and wine, into the Body and Blood of Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit working through the ministry of the Priesthood, as commanded by Jesus at the last supper, “This is My Body….This is My Blood…..given up for you….poured out for you….Do this in memory of me.”. Therefore, as Jesus said, so It is.

Although, I could relate to His suffering a bit better through my experiences, I still wanted to be able to look at images and depiction of Jesus’ suffering and feel grief, beyond being sober.

My experiences this week have brought me to praying the Divine Mercy Prayer and the devotion to Our Lady of Sorrows.

I believe I was reading about St. Catherine and I believe she heard from God about the mercy of God. This made me consider beginning the Divine Mercy Prayer because it is my conviction that I need the Mercy of God. After praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet for the first time alone, I kept reading the first line of the chaplet because I found it curious. It goes like this: “You expired, Jesus, but the source of life gushed forth for souls, and the ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world.” Upon meditating repeatedly on the first sentence, I imagined and fixated on Jesus drawing His last breath and the Blood and Water gushing forth from His side upon me, after He was lanced on His side, as though I was right there at the foot of the cross. After a short while of fixation, it felt like a force pushed me back and I held my phone away from my face saying, “Woah.” to steady myself, as though I had been blasted with the full force of His Blood and Water. I felt my heart become different, as though it became calm and more able to embrace Christ in His passion, the image of His love for me. The heart of mercy is love and my heart felt awash with it.

I also stumbled across a note I wrote last year on Friday, Mar 24, 2023 at 03:20 a.m. The note goes that I woke up from sleep at 2:54 a.m that Friday. I thought it to be Saturday and had no inclination of waking up at 5:18 a.m. for prayer that day since I pray later on Saturdays. So, imagining I still had a long way to sleep, I closed my eyes to go back to sleep and I heard a voice say, “Amara, Let Us Pray.”. I opened my eyes and checked my phone, surprised to see that it was Friday. So, I said “1 Our Father, 3 Hail Marys, One Glory Be” three times, and then said some closing prayers I usually say: “Prayer to my guardian Angel, Prayer to St. Michael the Archangel, The Memorare, Jesus I love You (3x), We fly to Your Patronage”, and because I was taking the consecration course to Jesus through Mary during that period, and had been saying the “Veni Creator Spiritus and the Ave Maris Stella” as part of the course, I also said them. Then, I could not think of any more prayers (perhaps I considered the Rosary but I would have been up maybe about 2 hrs later to say it so I didn’t begin it). I wrote the note and went back to sleep. I can’t explain how much I love sleep.

I had forgotten about this event until reading it recently. My focus on the Divine Mercy prayer which is said at the 3 o’clock hour, made it strikingly present to my mind that it was on a Friday at the 3 o’clock hour, that Jesus had passed, and I had heard the voice close to the 3 o’clock hour. I wondered if there was anything said in the Catholic Church about the 3 o’clock hour. So, I did some research and read a post on Catholic Answers that “some claim that due to the large amount of sin committed at 3 a.m., the Communion of Saints often awakens individuals at this time in order to prompt them to pray for others.”. The post also has a disclaimer that this notion is not rooted in catholicism. However, I did wonder about it since I had heard a voice call me to pray and no one but family calls me “Amara”. I did consider my Guardian Angel was waking me up to pray, and my Guardian Angel prays along with me. My mom agrees it could be the Holy Spirit or my Guardian Angel, but definitely a voice from God, and she could not believe I never gave testimony about it until I told her today. I suppose I keep a lot of things to heart without sharing, which may not always be the best thing. It is incredible how I forgot about this until I was going through my notes for something else. So, I decided to add praying the Divine Mercy Prayer at 3 a.m. at least on Fridays.

To the point of the devotion to Our Lady of Sorrows and some of the things which have lead me to saying it; I considered if I should be praying the rosary and meditating through Mary’s eyes. I also recall seeing a video on IG of “Gabi” speak about the sorrows of Mary and how my heart had been gripped with anguish at his description of her sorrow, and how it pleased me to be able to share in her sorrow. I considered again when praying the rosary if perhaps sharing in her sorrows would help me to share in Jesus’ sorrow by extension. I had not at this point considered that “Gabi” might have been referring to the devotion to “Our Lady of Sorrows”. Perhaps he was. I don’t know. It was a reel on IG, not a full video. Later on, I came across the devotion to Our Lady of Sorrows on YouTube, where I watched Fr. Ripperger speak about it, and I considered adding that to my prayers. However, upon reading one of the promises Jesus that “He would impress upon their minds the remembrance of His Passion, and that they should have their reward for it in heaven.”, all I could think is “this is all I want”, and my decision was solidified. Truly, I want to share in the pain of Christ, to feel grief for what grieves Him and joy for causes Him Joy.

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Pray the Rosary. Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

Gregorian Chant for the soul! Have a Listen!

Why We Pray

By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary.

As a little girl, I did not like praying. My mom noticed this and would say so to me. I felt evil for not liking to pray and for other reasons I could not reconcile in my mind; not because of anything she said to me. My mom may have her imperfections just as I do, but no one loves like my mom. She loves you where you are and prays for you to be better, all the while encouraging you to join her. I am not always that patient nor do I have her social skills; I’m still learning this. It was the thoughts that I had that condemned me.

I never once picked up the rosary to pray of my own accord in the past, unless instructed to or called to do so. I remember timing the rosary one time when we prayed together at home. I was surprised it took us 15 minutes to complete the rosary and the litany, because it always felt so long to me. Prayer at home consisted of the rosary, songs of praise and worship and then petitions. I preferred when we ended up only doing praise, worship and petitions because it felt shorter.

I did not go to the chapel at my secondary school either for daily mass, unless forced to do so, which hardly ever happened since I was alone. I was surprised when I found out my sister prayed the rosary alone. To me, goodness came so easily to her, that she has helped people come to the Catholic Faith through only living out her life and sharing testimony. My brothers recited the mass in Latin easily, and I’m talking about on the car ride home or at home, not only in church, and because I can be a bit competitive, I learnt to say the “Our Father” in Latin and tried to master the creed and the gloria. With time, I could say long stretches, almost becoming excellent at singing the creed and the gloria in Latin at every First Sunday mass of the month at St. Dominic Catholic Church, Yaba. If it weren’t for my siblings around me, I would never have risen to even the small level that I did while at home in Nigeria.

I walked away from my faith during the early-second quarter of 2020. I sinned gravely and then started to question my faith. I found holes in it and started to doubt the existence of God. The moment I thought God did not exist, it felt to me as though a film had come down my eyes and I could see things clearly. That is the only way I can explain it, but I was blinder than a bat. Towards the end of 2020, I started getting answers when I wasn’t looking for it, but my heart was so sluggish to repent. Some sense was slapped back into me when I did a devotional with my sister as she suggested. We had studied a verse in the New Testament, which referred to another verse in the Old Testament. I was curious about what it meant so I read Isaiah 45 (I think this was the verse but it could have been different), and I realized the error in my thinking, and I repented internally to the extent that I could back then.

I believed in God but I did not believe in the Catholic Church. I had seen grave sin as a kid, that and other reasons, and I judged instead of loved. I did not attend other denominations either. As a child, I had concluded from what I’d seen that they followed their pastors and not Jesus, so, there was never a sway to be a member, even though I attended a vigil service alone and had felt the presence of God at a Pentecostal church. I do not recall the name of the church. Perhaps, it was the Redeem Christian Church of God. I don’t know any other like that. I just wanted to worship God at a cross-over service so, this visit had been very much without a thought.

Towards the end of 2022, I started watching a lot of videos. I became convicted of the authority of the Catholic Church handed down from Jesus and I gained a deeper consciousness of the Holy Eucharist as the Body of Christ. I felt immense gratitude to be able to attend mass and receive communion. I was also applying for jobs back then and kept getting rejections even after interviewing. My sister relayed to me her past experience of getting a job rejection on her way home, and how she prayed the rosary and it helped her get past it. She encouraged me to do the same. I recalled as well a time in the past when I had difficulty finding a job in London and I went to the place of prayer to Our Lady at St. Joseph’s Catholic Church, New Malden. I prayed for her help and wept some more in the church pews to God. I got a job after. Bolstered with confidence from my memory and my sister’s testimony, I began praying the rosary. I realized that it wasn’t hard to pray so I prayed it when I felt really sad and later on prayed it daily. Afterwards, I got the idea to write it down and maybe publish it.

While I was in the US for Christmas/New Years’, I was really troubled about the job search, so I had gone to sleep. Just as I was waking up, I saw a woman standing at a doorway, shining with so much brilliance, with golden light around what I think was the frame of a doorway. She was so beautiful, and I think she was smiling at me with arms stretched out. I woke up and wondered, “Who is that?”. I told my sister who had walked into the room what I had seen. I kept saying how the woman was so beautiful. Although I cannot even draw her or describe her features because my memory was already fading after seeing her, one thing that stuck with me was that her beauty was astounding. If I had not written it down, I wonder what I would be able to remember now. Anyway, I had an inkling that I might have seen the Blessed Virgin, but I could not voice this to my sister. Soon after that I got a call for a Job interview in Canada. I cut my trip short and went back to Canada, and I got the job in a matter of a little over a week after the interview.

Later on when I heard people describe Mary from her apparitions or visits, one thing they all said was how she was so beautiful and I remembered what I’d seen.

I have also smelt a nice-smelling fragrance while praying the rosary. I thought I was imagining it until I saw a video of someone describing the same. I also wondered if it could be an air freshener. I took my thought to my mom, and she told me she has experienced the same, so I thought that maybe it was real and maybe we experienced the same thing. I also thought if it was the air freshener, it would have been a consistent smell in prayer and outside of prayer but of course, I pray that I experience it again to give confirmation to my experience.

I started the 33 day preparation of consecration to Jesus through Mary in March, 2023. An intention we were asked to make to the Holy Spirit for a certain duration of the 33 days was to increase our trust in Mary. I had a dream during that time. I lay on a bed and felt a hand under me. I knelt up on the bed in panic. I was holding a rosary, so I placed it over the edge of the bed and a hand reached out from under the bed and grabbed on to the rosary, dragging it with me. My intention had been to scare it away with the rosary I was holding and I was shocked it did not work. So, I said “Mother, please burn this evil away.” or something to that effect. The instant I uttered that, the evil was gone. The moment I woke up, I was filled with a deeper trust for Mary beyond the rosary beads. This is not to say that a blessed rosary will not be effective in an exorcism. I needed to trust her and that is what happened.

Prayer comes easily to me now because I pray from a place of love and it has since the end of 2022. I do not stop to think about the time it takes to complete prayer anymore or read the bible or even if saying one word is just as efficient as saying plenty words. I had those arguments with my mom in the past. I think now that it wasn’t because I was evil that I did not like prayer, but because I did not love with a big heart. Because whether or not I said one word, I never sat in silence in His presence waiting for God to speak to me, while those who said plenty did not care about spending a long time in the presence of God, even if their prayer was full of words.

My mom has since told me the time in her life where she had the most encounter with God and received prophetic messages from God was when she attended daily mass, received communion and prayed the rosary. Back then, she did not do the amount of prayer she does now. I have also learnt that her mom, my grandmother, spoke in tongues, which I found surprising since the perception I got growing up from other Catholics is that it is not something believed in the Catholic Church, but my grandmother was very Catholic and a member of the Charismatic renewal. I think my grandmother must have been praying for me too in heaven.

So, even if more prayers are added to an already established prayer, and I happen to be present with the people praying, I will join in in joy. If they sing it, I will sing along with joy. This is because I know the prayer must have been put together by people with deep devotion and love, and prayer really should be about love and not a to-do-list or a comparison of what is more efficient over the other. If the heart is there and it pleases God, i.e., not against God’s commandments, that is most important.

If you would like to learn how to pray the rosary as taught by mom and her parents, see link here: How to pray the rosary

Thank you for reading today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Pray the Rosary. Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

A song you can listen to!

The Right Time

By Cynthia Aralu

Hi everyone! Pray the Rosary.

I think I have been away for over 6 months (correction: 4 months) and I really owe everyone an apology, including myself because this is really atrocious, haha..

On a serious note, I really tried to block out the thoughts of my blog and my podcast, and push off writing and creating posts because of the effort it takes to make the voice recordings. To be honest, I do not enjoy hearing back the sound of my voice. That is why these voice recordings are kind of weird to me. But, I actually enjoy the entire creating process, so, I don’t know what to say.

I hope everyone is doing okay. It’s been half a year, so, I bet a lot of things have happened in that time for you and for me too. If you care to, you can share in the comment section below.

Particularly for me, I have grown a deeper understanding and love for my faith in these 6 months. I am Catholic, just in case nobody knows. My prayer life has been more regular than it has ever been before and I am happy about that. I pray for final perseverance.

I will say for the most part I feel clueless nowadays. I don’t understand a lot of things and I fear God is speaking to me but I do not understand His message because of my short-sightedness. I say this because a recent bible passage from “The Bible in a Year” podcast, mirrored my actions and prayers. It is quite uncanny because this has happened to me twice now, first at the start of the year when this same feeling was strong and again recently, this week actually. I really do not know how clueless I can be as to what God is trying to tell me. I am a bit frustrated with myself. Pray for me that I have clarity. I just paused to pray for it too. Weird how I don’t recall praying for it before now. but perhaps I did.

Maybe I know the answer but I do not want to believe it. haha. And that is quite sad when I think about it.

The answer I can see is that God has sent His angel to take care of it.

So, if that is the case, then I am thankful to God for answered prayers.

Sidebar: I wrote this around midnight. I don’t know how I’m gonna put this all together. But, I created this post around midnight and I was like I’ll go to bed, wake up, say my prayer, come back, record this, and then finish the entire process of creating this. So, while I was on instagram, when I woke up in the morning, I saw an instagram post about “Let God take care of it. Open up the Word and listen to what God is trying to tell you”. So, I decided to listen to today’s bible verses on the Bible in a year. And something stuck out to me: “If you will not believe surely you shall not be established.” And that put a serious fear within me. Because I obviously do not want to be the one who is stopping God’s blessings from getting to me. Because we can do that to ourselves without realizing. So, I said a prayer, “I believe. Lord, heal my unbelief.” And I do believe that there is nothing God cannot do. I think it is that I cannot imagine the strength of His love for me. That’s where the unbelief comes from. I just need to trust in His love for me. To trust in His provision and to just trust in God. I will be back to give a testimony once it is all fully revealed to me by God.

Anyway, I drove recently; this Tuesday to be precise. Not a lot though. I have a learner’s licence here in Canada, so, I have to actually practice driving. Before this week though, the last time I was behind the wheel was 6 years ago. It felt different on Tuesday. I did not have the crippling nerves like 6 years ago. It was almost nice. It could be because my new friend, who was calm throughout, was in the passenger seat and not my brother. I love my brother but I remember him yelling 6 years ago and that was not fun. My friend, on the other hand, was using his phone at some point and when I asked him if he was afraid, he told me he wasn’t and that was his reason for using his phone. I might also have almost enjoyed driving now because I am older and calmer when it comes to handling “new things”, haha, but just a little bit calmer. But maybe that “little” makes such a huge difference on my temperament. I honestly just want to get the learning phase over with so I can move on from it. My impatience is unreal but I am trying to reel it all in. Lastly, it is definitely because I have been praying for a better experience this time around.

During the drive, I mentioned to my friend that my dad is not alive and he was so shocked and sad for me. My dad died when I was 5. It has been such a long time, which I tried to explain to him. Then He asked if my mom ever remarried or if I had any male role models growing up and my answer was “No.” He was amazed by that. I know he meant well, but his questions made me consider how much I might have lacked not having my dad. I had claimed God as my Father a long time ago when I was in bed in London and the memory of my mom’s prayer from when I was a child came to my mind. “You are The Father to the fatherless, The Husband to the widow.” I had said the same to my friend too.

However, when I was alone, I could not help but feel deficient and some things made sense to me. So, I thought it might explain why I never learnt to ride a bike. Maybe I might have been forced to learn how to drive a car, if he’d lived. I don’t know. Perhaps if my dad didn’t die, I would have gotten more confident in my childhood. But also, I would have been so spoiled, like one of those spoilt rich kids, or maybe not, since my mom was so strict. I don’t know. I wondered how else my personality might have been affected. Am I overly independent as a result of his death? Do I contemplate a lot about dying because of his death? Am I unable to form tangible relationships with the opposite sex as a result? Do I distrust the tangibility of human connections just a little bit? haha..

It is pointless to imagine what might have been and yet my mind wondered briefly. My dad is a hero in my memory. I loved him easily and missed him without wondering what the emotion was. Secondary school was hard for me at one point, so, I had informed my mom, out of blue, one morning, just before we got into the car, on our way to the church where I would catch my school bus, that I was okay with her remarrying, all because I wanted a dad.

I am an adult now though and have lived a considerable portion of my life without my father. I suppose thinking these things about deficiencies stirred up some feelings of inadequacies in general about myself, one such being my inability to drive competently. I probably have to address those feelings with myself. I am not my driver status. lol. and I am working towards getting it changed, and that is all that matters.

I have been a late bloomer when it comes to getting over certain milestones in my life. One such being my confirmation in the Catholic Church. I kind of conveniently pushed off attending classes run by my secondary school because I did not understand why I should do it, and my mom did not come down too hard on me for not going. Maybe because she didn’t realize I was not attending though. lol. Because of that, I ended up getting confirmed later, along with my younger sister, at her own school’s program.

I think I was a bit embarrassed then too that I had not completed it when I was younger. However, looking back now, I think I did it at the right time. I was more receptive to the message that God loves me. I think it is the only thing I remember from those classes. I had received the message with so much shock and pleasure; it is so strange, because I don’t know why it had felt personal to me to read about it in a book the instructors made to teach us with. It was like hearing it for the first time; the idea of a personal relationship with God and I felt loved.

So, perhaps, that is how I ought to look at everything else in my life that I do not have or I have not done. Perhaps, it really isn’t the right time for me.

Thank you for reading or listening to today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, Katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.

Pray the Rosary. Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.

The Right Time by Cynthia Aralu (Audio Recording)
A song suggestion. Have a Listen! (mol-74「0.1s」)