I think I’m okay for the most part but earlier I caught myself unconsciously teary eyed when I remembered the words I wrote about a negative experience.
As I’d stared off into the pitch dark night, from my seated position by the window, I couldn’t help but wonder, what possible character had been built by this experience. Was I more closed off as a result of it – more so than usual?
My mind had stumbled and been stuck on three words I had written in the past—“and it hurt”.
There’s no truth like a memory unfettered of an overactive mind; no truer emotion. I had marveled at the tears I’d felt sitting on the brim of my eyes, never falling, but this awareness had been enough to call my mind to its baseline hyperactive state and dry up my tears.
The strange thing is I did not shed a tear when this negative experience from memory had occurred to me. It had hurt like hell in my chest but I never cried. I couldn’t. It stopped hurting when I didn’t think the experience or emotion important.
It makes me wonder if I have many unresolved scars within me just like this one. Could it be toppled over, this well-preserved reality I have moulded of me being okay.
Perhaps it never topples over. This, I hope for. Perhaps this reality only fortifies itself. Always. So that I’m okay. Always.
There is also the explanation that I had written so well that upon re-reading, my words had struck a nerve and lingered in memory long enough to evoke emotions once my mind stayed still.
However, this is my mind, as usual, attempting to make sense of emotions, of me, just so I can survive.
I think I’m okay for the most part but sometimes, I do wonder.
Thank you for reading or listening to today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new blog post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
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It is entirely possible to get an ego stroke when you find out someone feels any of the above for you. Common sense would be to allow this person to share this information with you, if you’ve come across the information from a source other than out of their mouth and straight into your ears, before you let it get to your head.
Besides, time changes things and who says a crush felt at some point would persist beyond the day it is brought to your awareness. Anyone wise would not place much stock on a crush. A crush is basically a cute way of saying infatuation. It isn’t based on knowing a person. Once one becomes aware of certain negative characteristics of the object of attraction, a crush dies. I guess someone who is immature might handle the knowledge of someone having a crush on them poorly.
A crush bears the potential of evolving into a “like”. A moment that for me would feel like, “Yes, I can say with my full chest that I like this person. I am proud to be associated with this human.” That “like” is still cautious, to be honest, because I have to reach a point where I can categorically say, there is nothing you can do that will stop me from loving you; a choice to love this person. It sounds like falling off a cliff and I think that’s what love is; only beautiful, when you’re falling off that cliff with someone. And therein, lies the bungee rope, that saves you from certain death; reciprocity and selflessness. It is such a huge gamble, with an incredibly enormous reward, only if you’re blessed by God. It tracks that people would want to experience this.
I have had someone tell me after 4 cerebral phone conversations that he thinks he might be falling in love with me. I was flattered at the idea of someone feeling so strongly for me after such a short period of getting to know how my mind actually ticks. However, we did have quite a lot of profound conversations every time we spoke, so, it is entirely possible that he got to know an idea of me on an extensive level, and this was enough to evoke such strong feelings. I was not in the right frame of mind to even go there with him and I don’t think I felt that spark. I loved his mind thoroughly though and the conversations were amazing. I think that is the reason our conversations were always great. We sort of thought that the other’s mind was awesome. I found him therapeutic and I learnt a lot about myself, which I put to good use, even after we stopped speaking, out of respect for his feelings.
I took away from that experience that I am amazing and I should not settle. I did not make him feel uncomfortable about his feelings. Because feelings are just that; feelings. They cannot be helped. Feed them and they grow. Starve them and they die. Ultimately, feelings should be acknowledged, understood better and respected.
Thank you for reading/listening to today’s post. Remember to like this post and share it with your friends if you enjoyed it. Follow me on my blog, katmira’s blog or my podcast, Amara’s Musings, to receive notifications whenever I have a new post. You can also subscribe below to get an email notification whenever a new blog post is out. This is particularly helpful if you don’t have a WordPress account.
Let it be, until we meet again or “Ka ọ dị” as it is said in Igbo.
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