By Cynthia Aralu

It feels like everyday I am learning. And although it is really beautiful to learn and to grow, I wish I know it all but I know that I know nothing at all.

I have grown up holding people to certain expectations and getting upset when they didn’t meet them. My mom was the first. And she just couldn’t meet any of them. Expectations I never voiced by the way. She was a widowed mother of 5, hustling and struggling to provide for the family the best way she knew how to, in a country such as Nigeria, and having grown up with certain values instilled into her, my expectations were a bit much. Do you think I would have hurt less if I had been a little bit more analytical of the situation? Maybe.

Expectations are so natural to have for people we care about and we believe our expectations are justified just because we would do for that person what we are expecting from them.

When you would do something for someone but they won’t do the same, it makes you feel unimportant to them. You see, your ego feels slighted and so you get hurt or upset but sometimes, it really is not personal. Granted, sometimes, people are just shit. But sometimes, that’s not the case. It honestly is what they really need because of their circumstance. This is a tough pill to swallow. That they would choose to put their needs over you. Once again, this causes a battle of the ego. It is the heart’s want to be valued just as much as it values. However, do you stop loving because you are not loved back? Or do you move as your heart flutters, for as long as it does? Besides, isn’t it a thing of self love for them to put themselves first? Should you not be proud of them?

I have a weird mind. 

I listened to a woman speak on expectations. She said that us humans expect so much of people, but in truth, we do not hold ourselves to the same standards. Take for instance getting a gym membership because you feel it is important to you that you exercise regularly but you only ever show up once. 

This gave me a greater perspective on expectations. You see, we do not love or like ourselves any less for not meeting our expectations of ourselves but get all worked up and pull back from people who don’t meet our expectations of them. Perhaps, when we get to a point where we are able to meet a considerable number of expectations we have set for ourselves, then we can be upset when someone doesn’t meet our expectations.

I’m not saying that people should not be held accountable when they do unkind things to you. I guess you’ve got to ask yourself if what they did came from a place of hate or an intention to hurt or manipulate. 

Even then, is it worth it to hold on to the baggage of their actions?

Once again, I am not advocating for holding on to toxic people because they will suck on your joy for sustenance until you are just as joyless as they are.

It is so hard not to have expectations. I am still on that journey. But the one thing I seem to be getting right is leaning in the direction that my heart would like to fall. I believe it’s the only way I would be happy.

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